1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

I haven’t had sex in three months; I should get a medal for that! Or should I?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Jun 20, 2016.

  1. From my No-porn journal. Possible triggers; read with caution.

    June 18, 2016

    Yesterday was the eve of my three month landmark of abstaining from porn and masturbation for a year. I was with a woman last night, a woman I get along with and find attractive. Let’s call her Alice. Why? I think Alice is a cute name. Alice and I met in the evening with friends for a poetry slam. We had a damn good time; we laughed, played off each other’s jokes, completed each other’s thoughts. We flirted, we touched, we shared secret smiles and prolonged glances. We weren’t on a date, not an official one anyway, but most guys would consider these to be good telltale signs of one. I wasn’t so sure myself. See, I can be pretty naive and thick-headed about these things. I’m never sure when a girl is into me or just being friendly. God knows I’ve had previous occasion to believe that a girl was into me for the same telltale signs, only to learn she was a lesbian and not into men at all. Go figure.

    As we left the poetry slam I offered her a ride home. I got the impression that she’d been expecting the offer. On the way we decided to go back up to her place and smoke some marijuana. It was a spontaneous decision, stemming from the great night and the poetry we’d heard which had left us with a need to live in the moment. She was also drinking wine out of a stainless steel water bottle, which I’m sure helped the impulsiveness. Back at her place, things continued to go well. She was easy and fun to get along with. We rolled two joints and headed out to a park. We lay back in the cool wet grass and looked up at the dusty sky. We talked about living and life, shared secrets and fears, our mistakes and doubts. Funnily enough, the best moment of the night came before we started smoking, when our thoughts were as clear as the sky and our speech free from reservation and the echoes of ego. We lit a joint and lay back down. We held hands and cuddled. I was in the moment, with the stars, cool air, her hands in mind. A small and distant part of me knew that I hadn’t been this close to a woman in three months. A small and distant part of me knew I hadn’t ejaculated in three months. I was aware of this part of me; like a fly in the periphery. But that’s all.

    She flew higher as the night went on. I cruised just above the troposphere. She also continued drinking. I don’t drink or do drugs often, so I wasn’t sure what to attribute her behaviour to. She was laughing, smiling, swaying, using not so subtle innuendo in her jokes, at one point even alluding to “blowing my mind.” I was high, but not so high as to not appreciate the meaning behind the words, the consequence of such an event. I got hard just thinking about it; finally. Final-fucking-ly! I would find relief from my sexual fast. To those of you abstaining from porn and masturbation to break a bad habit, I’m sure you understand.

    As the night went on, I saw another part of Alice. A part that was vulnerable and insecure. A part that made her doubt that she was worth love and happiness and the company of good people. I started to see perhaps why she brought me over and wanted to get high. To be certain, I think she liked me and considered me someone who was or could be a good friend. She saw in me someone she could be herself around without the fear of being judged. But she also saw in me someone who’d listen and hold her, tell her she’s fine as she is, and that she didn’t need to try too hard. As the foreign substances started to affect her mind and mood, this became more apparent. My libido was pushed aside by sympathy and love. Not the love of lust, or the love that comes with knowing someone over time, but the love of another human, a human in need of affection, of affirmation, a human in need of a hug, understanding, and acceptance.

    We ended up in her bed. I held her tight, without reservation, her legs draped over mine, her breasts pressed against my chest. I could smell her hair, feel her warm breath in the crook of my neck. And yes, I was hard. Really, really fucking hard. I was aware of a screaming in my head, saying, “fuck her, fuck her, fuck her, fuck her, fuck her, fuck her!” I was confident in my ability to seduce her. But I wasn’t sure how much she wanted it or what part of her wanted it; whether it was the part that felt lonely and insecure, or the part that hadn’t been with a man in a while, or the part that simply liked and trusted me and wanted to be with me. I knew if I made a move, she’d welcome it.

    I didn’t do anything. I just held her. I just held her. . .and held her.

    In the morning, I made sure she was okay. I tucked her in and said my goodbyes. As I walked out the door, I remembered a scene from one of my favourite TV shows, Friends. Rachel’s father had had a heart attack, and she was feeling particularly vulnerable. Ross comes to comfort her, when she throws herself at him, looking for sympathy sex. Ross, hilariously, denies her, saying it wouldn’t be right, given her emotional state. As Ross walks out of Rachel’s room, he says out loud, “I haven’t had sex in four months; I should get a medal for that!” That’s how I felt.

    But should I? Should Ross?

    See, most guys are raised in a guy-culture inside this patriarchal bubble where the pursuit of sex and sexual gratification is glorified and considered to be the thing most worthy of pursuit. This culture pushes for and rewards the pursuit of sexual gratification over things that are considered morally decent and morally considerate in other bubbles, like in mixed-sex company or public forums. This culture is cultivated and nurtured from before we even reach puberty. It’s cultivated in our TV shows; from Joey in Friends, the not-so-bright but well-intentioned playboy who elicits jealousy from his other friends because of his dating life; from Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, the charming, smooth talking prince of one-night stands whose sex life is the envy of every straight guy. It’s cultivated in our Hollywood heroes; from James Bond, the womanizer spy living the sexual and lifestyle fantasy of every straight guy; from Phil in Hangover – a guy movie if ever there was one – who is the alpha male of the wolfpack. Phil is cool, confident, and good looking, what every guy wants to be. He is also married with kids, but he never hides his intentions of infidelity as he goes to LA for his friend’s bachelor party. He even tells his friends to keep it a secret from his wife, and they never once reprimand him. This culture of ‘sex above all!’ is cultivated in the pop songs we listen to, which glamorize and glorify one night stands and sexual pursuit (“I’m up all night to get lucky”). We consider getting laid getting lucky; an opportunity not to be passed lightly. This culture rewards and affirms the pursuit of sex with pats on our backs from our peers and calls of, “you dawg, you!” This culture is reinforced in our minds with the jealousy of our peers, those too ‘unlucky’ to not get laid. This culture is perpetuated in our guy-jokes with married friends and those in committed relationships; how we mourn them for never being able to sleep with another woman again, or have sex again. These jokes, all of which contain some truth, show we value sexual gratification over intimacy, getting laid over fidelity. This culture is manifest in porn, which feeds off and exacerbates our deepest sexual fantasies; what guy doesn’t want to have sex with hot, young women – different women! – every day?

    These individual attitudes, fictional characters, songs, movies, don’t mean anything. Even sex with other people while in a marriage is fine, if both parties are privy to it. By themselves, these are all harmless fun ‘things,’ like porn. Add them together, and that’s when you create a culture: a culture where getting laid is more important than anything else; more important than being nice, more important than being considerate, more important than being empathetic, more important than trying to preserve another human’s dignity.

    I didn’t have sex with Alice because that’s not what she needed, though it may have been what she wanted. She needed a friend, an ear, a shoulder, and two arms around her. That’s all. Anything else, and she might’ve regretted it. Maybe I would have.

    During these three months, there have been times where I felt I need a fuck; I need to stick my dick in something, someone, or else I’d lose my fucking mind. This is something only a porn addict trying to quit will understand. Before this year is over, I’m sure I’ll feel this need again. I certainly felt it last night. But amidst the voices screaming in my mind for attention, it was a quieter, gentler, and kinder voice that subdued the rest. A voice that said I needed to be a human right now. A decent, fucking human being. I needed to be a better man right now. I needed to think with my heart, not my dick.

    Should I get a medal for what I did? If you’re giving me one, I won’t say no. But I don’t know if I deserve a medal as such; that would mean that we, as a culture, value a guy’s sexual needs over the consideration of someone’s emotional state of mind. It would mean that we, as a culture, think it’s a grand achievement that a guy didn’t take advantage of a girl – another human being – when she was in an emotionally vulnerable state. Is that who we want to be? Is that how we want to be seen by women and the community at large? Do we want to be seen as a gender that prioritizes our libido over . . . what? Someone’s heart? Soul? Dignity? I don’t know. What do you think?
     
    zauvek, yousuff, TheIdealMan and 3 others like this.
  2. TrueHuman

    TrueHuman Fapstronaut

    207
    167
    43
    Haven't had sex in 2 years cause I've been isolated.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  3. keri123

    keri123 Fapstronaut

    37
    7
    8
    I must say i dont reply much in this forum but you man,you are amazing,i have no words to describe how accurate you wrote this and how much u are right!
    You deserve even 2 medals but its not we who give you the medals,its the medal you earned yourself by doing what you did and that the most important thing.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  4. Thrivelife

    Thrivelife Fapstronaut

    144
    50
    28
    Great read man, brings a lot of value to the table.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  5. Sorry to hear that bro. Sounds tough. Good luck on your journey.
     
  6. Thanks man. I'm glad you found value out of it. It certainly opened my own eyes on a lot of things as I wrote it.
     
  7. Thank you @Thrivelife. This whole journey thus far has been very valuable. I'm having to relearn many things I thought I already knew about women, sex, and porn.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    You, sir, are amazing. I grant you one metal for holding her when she needed it and 22 metals for your realizations about the society we live in.
     
  9. TrueHuman

    TrueHuman Fapstronaut

    207
    167
    43
    Well actually its been a year an a half but I've been rebooting for most of that time so yea
     
  10. Have netflix, mate? There's something you should watch. It's called 'The mask you live in'.

     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. That looks really powerful @TheSumOfAllBeers. Thanks for sharing. I'll have to find a way to watch it.
     
  12. TheIdealMan

    TheIdealMan Fapstronaut

    127
    50
    28
  13. Thanks @TheIdealMan. I hope it helps you and others like us trying to leave behind a bad habit. Feel free to share it with other Fapstronauts.
     
  14. yousuff

    yousuff Fapstronaut

    451
    496
    63
    You awake so many morals in my mind. Believe me, I've added many ethics from your post. I wish one day I could express my feeling the way you did in this post.
    We need to be more human, more compassionate, more supportive instead of dick head men.

    Thanks ,man, for your wonderful and thought evoking post. I am a feminist and feel so proud of you the way you treated Alice.
     
  15. Thanks for your kind words @yousuff. I'm glad you found something of value in this story.
     
    yousuff likes this.
  16. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    700
    1,044
    123
    You appear to have realized that you may have wanted to put your dick into something, you realized that the "something" was a "someone".

    Feeling good is not confined to sexual pleasure. Feeling good includes the feeling of being there for someone when she truly needs your presence.

    The feeling of sex lasts momentarily. The feeling of a good deed is long and everlasting.
     
  17. Hey @Veritech, I think you have it right. She was someone to me at the beginning of the night, but she was also simply 'something' - something to put my dick in, as you said. As the night went on, she turned into so much more.

    Truth be told, I still struggle with the issue, despite my revelation. Part of it could be the extreme horniness and lack of sexual release, but I wonder if this is inherent in all men; unless we've established some emotional connection with a woman - a potential sexual partner, specifically - they're all just 'something' to us. To be certain, I think part of it - perhaps most of it - is enforced and perpetuated by the culture we live in. But how much of it is just some inherent, primal quality of being a sexual creature with the programmed imperative to spread our genes? How much of it operates on a plane that we're not even conscious of?

    These thoughts also stem from my NoFap journey. Some days I feel stupid for doing this. Fapping to porn, getting off on women, the desire to simply fuck them. . .all of this seems so 'natural.' To fight it, to question it, to rebel against it, seems . . .abnormal and trivial sometimes.
     

Share This Page