My husband is a porn addict part 2

Dear sister ,
Make his porn habit replace by other good habits. Hack his phone and porn source hacked to porn . Divorce is not a right decision , can't think about a child growing in the hands of divorced parents , his future may be ruined. The reason why you are here is not for divorce , think about the reason why you are here. You can get help here .

 

Talk to your counsellors about all of this. I am scared that my SO will relapse one day and I don't think I can handle that so I know how you are feeling. His addiction has sparked your past and you have every right to feel that way. Sometimes the only way to get through is for them to feel the rock bottom of losing everything. That is what happened in my relationship and it made him realize that he needs help and was able to actually recognize that he has an addiction while we have been living apart. Seeing the change in his thinking about all of this and seeking help is what has kept me from completely closing the door and ultimately now actually working on our relationship together.

Losing everything may be the only way he will realize what it is he really needs to do and do it for the right reasons. You and your son should be the immediate choice. Him admitting he needs time to think this over really is a punch in the gut and I am sorry that he couldn't just step up and make the right choice immediately. His relapse may have already clouded his judgement, or maybe there are other things he is trying to consider, like how to fix this?

Sometimes you have to make yourself and your children YOUR first choice when someone else can't do it for you. Sometimes things work out shortly after a break up of sorts (rock bottom) and you may feel better about him once seeing he is ready to fully commit to you and your family. I hope he can commit without having to lose you, for the sake of all three of you, but that may have to be the course taken for the time being. I am sorry you are going through this. All we want is to be his first and only choice...

 

Trust and faith in the one person who is supposed to protect you is what is so devastating to us. You do deserve to feel at ease. You do deserve to have a strong partner and co-parent! I do not blame you for feeling this way and have felt it myself. Sometimes you just need your partner to stand up and choose you (which should be every time!) and when that person cannot do what you need, you need to do it for yourself. Maybe you need to choose yourself right now, maybe things will work out, maybe they won't. But you will not feel good about yourself if you ignore what you need. Obviously the ideal is to stay together but not at the cost of your dignity and your child growing up with what you had to endure. I wish you luck and hope you choose the best for you and your son, which ever choice that is.

 

That's what I have too with migraines with aura. My story is so much like yours but without the baby. But that is my biggest fear, getting back together with him and bringing a child into a home with a known addict. What kind of a role model will he be? What kind of parents will we both be if he relapses and our child could see that we were not okay. Just like we knew something was wrong so would our child. It's all so heartbreaking.

 

Hi @Letsrun123

I'm sorry to hear of what you've gone through and for how you feel. Can I ask, where did his addiction start? What triggers it? Aside from PMO and the other areas it has reached in his life, do you guys see a future for you both... or is that as being ambitious? Do you love him? Does he love you?

Start with a foundation of what you know to be absolute truth. You might find that you're taping together a mess anyway... or you might be reminded of what is gold with just some impurities in it.

Can I perhaps add some insight into why your husband may have said he needs to think about the ultimatum that you've given him? Because PMO addiction CANNOT (and I repeat: CANNOT) be quelled with an ultimatum. It's not simply a choice that addicts make to relapse... there is far more involved. It's not like telling a child to not touch the stove. He probably doesn't want to lie to you anymore, so not having accountability that even he cannot promise he can reach is the better option than having a task that (right now) he perhaps believes is impossible, no matter how much he would want it to be a reality. And the pressure and stress that is involved in achieving breaking this addiction will almost certainly end in relapse. It's not a good foundation for quitting.

Here are some good foundations: stress-free love and support... listening... understanding the cause... eliminating judgement... pure honesty and approachability.

The problem is, it doesn't sound like you would realistically be able to do these things, at least not yet... because you are coming from your own unique place of hurt. You're yearning for him to understand you, and perhaps (silently) he's yearning for you to understand him. While he's the one who's done wrong, it doesn't change that in his own way, he's a victim. You are the immediate victim, but his issue needs to be cleared up first in order to bring you both relief... and this is a process. He needs to quit (first and foremost) for himself... not for you. I know that's painful to hear... but it's just the absolute truth, and anyone here will tell you the same. It's the only way that you can express true love... first, love yourself... then you can love the others around you.

Another issue I can see is that you've attempted to compete with porn. This absolutely never works, because porn is an industry that is the best at what it does... but it's also vapid and empty. What you really want to offer is the things that porn does not offer... love... comfort... support. Competing with it can cheapen intimacy, and then the innevitable failure leads to feelings of worthlessness. I'm sorry that you have had to experience these things... but please know that you are not worthless, and what you have done is out of sincerity... which one day, perhaps, he may appreciate. But if your goal is to really help him (and by help him, I don't mean police him... as this is inneffective and makes you an opponent, not an ally), offer him affection... something he cannot get from porn. Offer him warmth... offer him love. Offer him understanding... a listening ear. Use your words wisely. Find support for your own history, and then at the right time (not just yet) fold that into your discussions with him.

At the same time, soliciting sex and being sneaky are all horrible, terrible things. They could be subsets of his porn addiction (which should give you an idea of how ingrained the habit is... and how far he will have to travel to conquer it), OR they could be just facets of who he is. If they are subsets of his PMO addiction, then he is salvagable... otherwise he sounds like a really terrible person who will continue to give you heartache, and innevitably seek out other sexual partners anyway.

Stay strong. I firmly believe that a supportive SO can well be the antidote to PMO addiction, as a lot of us became addicts because of negativity and feeling unloved. Usually related to abuse of some sort as a child. Countering with support and true love can be very powerful. It requires patience and skill, as does giving up this addiction. You both must be partners/allies... not police officer and criminal... that will absolutely not work.

But I'll say this as well... none of what I just said either condones his actions... and no, you don't deserve what you've gone through. All that is a given. But in order to treat this with balance, emotion has to be generally eliminated, as it clouds accurate judgement.

There is a wealth of wisdom on these boards, and many in your same situation. Milk them for information. And remember, you have people in your corner!

 

Hi
Sorry , about posting without knowing your childhood.I hope you find your childhood love with your son

 

@Letsrun123, It is no surprise to me that your husband has hid things from you and relapses almost immediately after saying he will quit. The truth is he can't quit. Not on his own. I haven't been able to by myself. Keep in mind this has nothing to do with you, your level of attractiveness, or how you act. That doesn't mean you are helpless. Your best options are to assert your boundaries in a loving way resulting in him feeling the full force of the consequences of his addiction. I really recommend boundaries in marriage by Henry Cloud and Robert Townsend. It is really helping me and my wife figure out how to stay married while we struggle through this. My wife is forgiving since I am literally putting everything I can into my recovery. It's taken a ridiculous amount of pain for both my wife and I to get to this point.

There is hope. Your husband will figure out recovery is the only way for him be happy one way or another. I really recommend joining S-Anon. It can provide great support and help you break away from being emotionally dependant on your husband. Everyone has dependency on other people and bad habits. That's what it means to be human. It does not make you lesser than. Both you and your husband are good people. Your husband is a sick person, not a bad man.

It was no joke to get to a place where I realized I needed help. Denial is a HUGE part of addiction. But if you assert your boundaries he will realize he has a problem. It must be done in a loving way though. Even if done right there is a chance you can drive him away to the point he leaves you. I don't know what the appropriate boundaries look like. It may involve kicking him out of the house for a couple of months, until he shapes up, it might involve making him sleep on the couch. Don't stop loving him though. You can be happy no matter the circumstance if you manage to break your dependency on him yet love him.

I hope that helps. I don't know if you are a religious person, this certainly is somewhat of a spiritual perspective, but has worked for both my wife and my serenity.

 

I am not perfect. No man is. There is no excuse for what he has done.. but from my experience... exposure and repetition over time is difficult to conquer.

Imagine waking up and taking a smoke, or coffee.. chemicals in the brain altered over time.. perception of opposite sex altered.. This isn't just a choice; but an imprint in one's psyche.

One's behavior is affected from the chemicals that release. And over time, dependency is sequenced into one's routine.
Consider all the current backlash on sex disorders.. some people take it as a joke. "all guys look at porn" .. as if this generality has legs to stand on.. I believe this whole thing takes time period. Time to heal. Time to change habits. Time to re-train the brain to be at peace w/ one's life beyond imaginary domains.

Right now, I am not married, but just trying to find a woman to love. I have gone through periods now without looking at porn; and honestly, I am different in my thoughts and actions.

My behavior is more open; but I continue to fight looking at women sometimes in a sexual way. I think its awesome that you still have faith and love someone even though they might be going through this... I think with time.. this can be mended.