Have you heard of FANOS?

You're welcome. Seriously, we now agree that the bulk of our marital issues can now be traced back to PMO. Sometimes it feels like that game, the six degrees of Kevin Bacon. (an actual board game) My favorite food is pasta? Pasta is comfort food. I'm numbing myself due to unhappiness due to ... drumroll ... my husband's PMO addiction. LOL

 

Perhaps it's not for you then. Just as a quick side note, for us we needed the routine of building our communication back up again. But it doesn't have to be daily and the format can be adjusted to fit needs. Best of luck to you!

 

Someone in the training was also trained in reiki, she told us a bit about it but not enough for me to be able to tell if it's similar. Healing touch is something that has helped both my daughter and I a lot. And our local hospital has nurses trained in it. So it's alternative, but starting to go a bit more mainstream with some nurses. It's kind of something that has to be experienced to be believed. Also, side note, because of this audience, PMO addicts, I do like to mention that although it's called healing touch, it can actually, on request, be done without touch, and would not, in my opinion, be a trigger for relapse.

According to Healing Beyond borders: "Healing Touch is a relaxing, nurturing energy therapy that uses gentle touch to assist in balancing physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Healing Touch works with your energy field to support your natural ability to heal, is safe for all ages and works in harmony with standard or allopathic medical care."

I completely agree on some being so quick to dismiss. I have relatives and church members who are clear that they think it is evil. Oh well, their loss. As far as I am concerned, God created everything, including our energy fields, so why assume working with the energy field is bad?

 

I do understand. I think the fact that you are crying and working through your feelings, though hard, is important. You said, "All the times I've cried in the dark feeling that I was somehow failing him and wondering if I would ever be enough for him." I did the same thing. I blamed myself. It's so important that you get to the point that you fully understand: This is not your fault. You didn't cause it and you aren't responsible for fixing it. (A spouse can choose to be supportive but the addict has to do the work to fix it.) It took me a lot of therapy to be able to say that and believe it.

I found out about my husband's P addiction about 7 years ago, after 5 years of marriage. I took the route of stuffing my feelings (even though I went to counseling and did deal with them somewhat) and mostly concentrating on "fixing" my husband. Guess what? It didn't work. Yes, he stopped looking at P but he continued to MO and fantasize so the P still had a hold on him even nearly 7 years later. And the issues in our relationship, him not being able to truly connect or communicate with me on a deeper level, not being able to express his own feelings or handle mine, continued. I now believe those issues, which caused the bulk of our marital troubles, were caused by his P addiction. P numbs. Now he's finally healing with the help of the reboot and FANOS and I've been able to work through some of my buried pain as well.

I highly recommend individual counseling for yourself. You've been through a trauma and you need help healing. You also need to address the question of, is he truly willing to work on this and change things? And what do you do if he isn't? Often an addict has to hit rock bottom before he or she is willing to change.

As I said, my husband may have stopped looking at P but we suffered through nearly 7 years of emotional distance because I didn't know how to insist that he address this problem nor did I even truly know if what I was begging for, crying for and trying to be the good wife in order to get, was actually something he was capable of giving. (The changes he has gone through with FANOS and the reboot show me that he is capable.)

I look at the cuddling as helping the wife get something that some P addicts have a hard time giving. P trains them to expect an instant gratification O. No mortal woman can compete, even if she's interested in/willing to have frequent sex. With my husband and me, we had become roommates who had occasional sex but we had lost the love and tenderness due to his difficulty in connecting. So the cuddling helped get me what I needed beyond just sex and helped us regain that tenderness. You not being ready for cuddling at this point is totally understandable. But do attempt it eventually. The first time we did scheduled cuddling I bawled my head off and it felt like I was cuddling with an unresponsive stone. It gradually got better.

The goal of FANOS, I think, is three fold.

1. Give the couple a platform for checking in on sobriety. I hear from women who aren't sure they want to do FANOS because what if they learn of a relapse? But on the other hand, they are also terrified he is relapsing and not telling them. I get the terror, I really do, but I think the only way through is honestly. It's a compulsion, an addiction, relapses are likely to happen. Have you heard of a drug addict, a smoker, an alcoholic or even someone attempting to lose excess weight that didn't fall back on old habits before actually successfully quitting? For me, a relapse was painful, yes, but not nearly as devastating as the idea that he would continue the lies.

2. Help the addict learn to communicate, especially on his emotions. For my husband, he had been so numbed by P, and then for years after that, by methods he attempted to use to numb himself to the shame he felt for PMO, so he didn't have to feel those feelings, that he really has a hard time identifying and talking about his emotions. With FANOS he is slowly starting to be able to do that. He has had the most trouble with F for feelings and N for needs, but can now express them as we do FANOS. In the beginning he said, I don't know and then, eventually, I don't know but I want to know and I want to tell you. It was slow but measurable progress.

3. Give the spouse time to communicate. My husband also had a very hard time handling my emotions. Plus, our marriage had deteriorated to a point that we just didn't communicate much at all.

I understand being terrified your anger will cut him down and also wanting to be supportive. It's a delicate balance. We as hurt spouses do need to be able to express our feelings. But if all we do is rage and retaliate in an unhealthy way, we can't get to the healing. I think that's where individual therapy for the spouse comes in. To sort through those feelings. On the other hand, we CANNOT stuff our feelings down and only play the supportive wife. That's not healthy for us and it's not forcing the addict to confront the pain the addiction has caused. Being supportive doesn't always mean being kind and loving and forgiving, although some addicts would wish it that way. Because then the addiction can continue to flourish and they will always be forgiven. Sometimes being supportive means, being willing to work on the marriage but also making it clear what the limits to that are.

One more thing. If you happen to get a counselor that claims there's nothing wrong with P, insists PMO isn't an addiction or even just downplays what you are facing, GET OUT. Walk out right then, if you can. I have talked to multiple therapists about this issue in the last 7 years and the majority have been very helpful to me. But our marriage counselor did downplay the role of P in our marriage and another counselor I had just wasn't as good as the others and gave me some bad advice regarding PIED. One of the best advices I have been given on therapists is, not every therapist is a good fit for every client. If you don't click, don't waste your time. Find a new one. Because there are some very good therapists out there and you deserve a good one.

I hope my babbling here has been helpful!

 

Yes, very true. It does have to be a balance though. Both spouses need to be willing to work through it. Not addressing it or doing nothing but screaming, neither are healthy.

 

You're asking a wife who was lied to for five years of marriage. I passionately believe that this is not a secret that should be kept from a wife. For me, it wasn't even the P addiction that was as painful, it was the lies. I believe you need to come clean with her.

You say you don't want to make her concerned. I would bet money that she already has concerns. P is an intimacy killer. It numbs addicts. I knew something was wrong. I had even asked him about it, over and over. When he said everything was fine, I assumed it must be my fault. She very well may be doing the same thing.

I think you need to tell her. Realize that it may take a while for the information to sink in. Realize that she will need to talk to you about her anger and pain. (FANOS helps with that.) I also suggest individual counseling for both of you. She is also welcome here at NoFap and we have a private group for significant others that has been very helpful to me.