My world is crumbling around me...

I'll try to keep it short and sweet. My addiction began over 5 years ago. Started out of curiosity and quickly became more. Met the girl of my dreams just over three years ago. As the relationship became closer and deeper I let her in on my deepest and darkest secret. I told her everything. She was accepting and helped me to, what I though at the time was, conquer and overcome the addiction that I had. We were married and I was clean from P and M for over a year. We had a healthy sex life and things were going well. And then it happened; I relapsed.

Thinking that it was just a one time thing I brushed it off, didn't tell my wife, and continued on with life with the same determination that I had before to continue on and not indulge in P or M. Not sure how long I made it after that relapse, I imagine it was a few months, and then it happened again. These relapses continued to become closer and closer in time until I knew that it was an issue again. All along my wife had no idea what was happening. She had told me before we were married that if I ever did have a problem that she would be there to help. She would ask me every now and again how I was doing. Since I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt bad for what I had done, I told her that I was doing well and that I hadn't had any issues. I lied to her. I lied to protect her. I didn't want to crush her. I didn't want to ruin the good relationship that we had. There were times along the way as my addiction became worse and worse that I came really close to telling her that I had relapsed and was really starting to struggle again. I just couldn't build up enough courage to do it. 3 months ago that changed.

One night I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I told my wife that I had been struggling for a few months. At the time I didn't feel like I could tell all. I had already hurt her so much and I didn't want to hurt her any more. I couldn't gather the courage to tell her that it had been almost two years since my first relapse. That night was the longest and most painful night of my life. I spent the next three days at my parents house to give her some space. After returning home things were still rough and rocky. Next, what seemed like years had passed but in all reality was only two month. We fought (verbally) and argued what seemed like all the time. Other things happened during that time that really put added stress and burden on our already fragile relationship. Two months after I broke the ice the day finally came where I decided that I needed to lay it all out. I had to tell her everything that had happened. I was done lying to the one that I cared about the most. And I did it. I told her. I had done it. I had come clean.

Needless to say it didn't go over very well. She had been there all along for me to help me if I had any issues. But my addiction had turned me into a liar. It made me lie to the one person that meant everything to me. I lied to her for years about my addiction. She thought I was doing just fine and not having any problems and then I dropped this on her. Now our lives are in pieces.

That was a month and a half ago. Soon after I told her everything she decided that she needed to move back home to be with her family. She needed to get away from me. She needed to get away from the environment that she was in. She needed to remove herself from the situation so that she could reset and get herself well before deciding what we are going to do about us. A week after I told her everything she left.

And that brings me here. Here I am, 27 years old, living at my parents house, going to church where I grew up, seeing people that I grew up, seeing friends and families that came to my wedding reception and asking me about my wife, who is 900 miles away, and me here along trying to fight this addiction. I've been clean since a few days before I told her everything. It has not been easy. I have come close to relapsing but I am doing everything that I can to remain strong and to fight this terrible terrible thing that is ruining my life and has ruined so many others. My world is crumbling around me...

 

This is what keeps me going. I know that I did the right thing. I could not keep lying to her. She deserved to know. I have to get better regardless of the outcome of our relationship. Being honest is the first step.

 

Thanks. I have learned from the addiction recovery group that I am attending that writing is a helpful tool in the recovery process. I will definitely keep updating on here. It has already been therapeutic to me.

 

Thank you for your support. I told her because I care about her. I wanted to get better. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I needed and wanted to change. I have seen how it has broken her and it kills me. She is extremely broken. I am hoping once she recovers and rebuilds herself that she will realize that I am trying to get better and that I will get better. It would mean so much to me if she was there to support and help me through this. She was in the past and I unknowingly took advantage of it... :/

 

I am hoping that is what happens. Things are on the rocks and there may be no future between us but time will tell. Regardless, I have to get better.

Thanks. Really appreciate that. It has not been an easy thing to do but I know it was right. I am hoping for the best. I live my life by many saying and one rings true in this circumstance with her (I've changed it a bit but the message remains the same); "Expect and hope for the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised." If you are expecting the best but have also planned for the the worst and are prepared for surprises then nothing can get you down. You will be ready for anything life may throw at you. Take it and run with it. Be prepared to fight and keep fighting for the best and for what is right. Never lose hope and one day we will succeed! I am expecting and hoping that best it yet ahead but prepared for the rough journey. I CAN DO THIS!!!

 

I understand and appreciate your concern. It is rough not having here by my side to help me through this. However, this is only my part of the story. Her side is not portrayed here. I focused this on me and what I have done wrong. She has her reasons and I accept that. We both have things that we need to work on personally and being together made it hard to do that. Regardless of what happens between her and I this addiction has got to go. I can not live burdened down by an addiction like this.

 

I am really starting to wonder guys. I am doing everything that I can and I feel like there is no progress being made in our relationship. Even though I am getting better. It's been over 50 days now. She doesn't believe that it has been that long and I don't blame her because I destroyed all trust. I don't now how that can be rebuilt when we don't really talk. It seems as if she wants nothing to do with me. I know I need to get better regardless but it makes it so much harder when she isn't around and doesn't believe me. It's like she is dragging me down. She still doesn't know if she wants to be married anymore. It's been almost 4 months since I initially told her and almost 2 months since I told here everything yet I feel as no progress has been made. I don't know what to do anymore...

 

I have been PMO free for 50 something days. It's in my signature. I am doing everything I can to stay good and free. I am continually getting better and better. It's easier and easier to resist temptations. The difficulty is in our situation is that she has left. We are separated by 900 miles and in different states. She told me she wanted space so I am trying to respect that and give her space. 3 weeks ago she told me she didn't want to talk to me for a few weeks so that she could sort things out and figure out what is going on, what she is feeling and thinking. Maybe we will talk again tonight and see what's the latest... Regardless of what happens I am stuck here due to work obligations until at least the end of September. Same with her, she just started a new job where she moved to so she can't come back up here either. I would just like to know whats going on...