I walked past a girl today

I caught her making eye contact with me from a distance as she was waiting in line at the check out stand. I had already paid for my lunch at the deli and I was walking towards the exit. I quickly stopped making eye contact, but her head was still facing me and I could see in my peripherals that she was still looking at me as I walked closer to her. I finally past her and I could tell in my peripherals that she was getting ready to turn her head after I past her to watch me walk away. I didn't look back, but I knew she was watching me. She was young and pretty with natural blonde hair and blue eyes. Why did I quickly look away? Because I have a feeling that if I talk to her, it will get in the way of my goals.

I have been doing this with other girls lately, not looking at them with my head up, acting like I'm too good or already taken. I know if I start talking to a girl, I will want to bang them and think just think about their body. I drive a lot and I see a lot of extremely hot girls walking around like they're some sort of tease. Lately I have been telling myself " do not look, do not look, do not look." I have been getting better at this. Because I know if I look, the first thing I'm looking at is her butt, breasts, and then her face and making an overall judgement. And i'm not just looking, I'm staring lustfully.

Do you think I made the right decision, by disciplining myself to act like I did not notice this beautiful girl? I thought about this afterwards and I realized maybe I should have looked at her and started a conversation. Because It doesn't mean I have to make love to her. I could use her as an accountable person to strive for. But then again, at that point I wouldn't be staying abstinent for myself anymore, and I would be having "thoughts" about her. I'm a little confused on how I should react about this. It is still early in my recovery at day 10. Even though I have made it 75 days this year, I do have that to add to my recovery. I thought that was a long time and thought I was well rebooted. Boy was I wrong because I fell into a 4 month relapse. I think my reset/ relapse had to do with asking a random stranger out who walked by me everyday for months and I was rejected in the nicest way possible. And that could be why I unconsciously made it 75 days, was for her. I reset 2 weeks later. Then 2 weeks after that I reset again and fell into a horrible relapse because now I didn't have someone to look forward too.

I think this is why I am telling myself to not interact or make eye contact with other girls.

 

Thank you for responding to my question. This is the answer I was looking for. I am starting to understand more and more on this journey of abstinence. I must stop blaming life events for the choices that I make. I must not avoid suffering or fear rejection anymore. I will eventually get better at this. Your wisdom will help me make better choices in the future. Thanks again.