Recovery Journal

Hello NoFap,

So my story is relatively similar to all members of the community. I am addicted to pleasure.
From staying up late to eating shitty food and masturbating to porn, this lack of discipline in my life has started to take its toll on my emotions and self esteem.
I thought I could stop at any time, and get back on track with a normal life but I was deeply wrong. I realized I had been feeding this demon inside me for to much time,when I realized that I was powerless in front of it when I tried to conquer it.
Out of every habit of mine, watching lesbian porn has by far the deepest roots. It began in my childhood when, naturally, I felt an attraction for the beauty of the female body. As I got introduced to porn, I found myself seduced by lesbian interactions. I don't think I ever watched any other type of material since.
Now I am almost 23 and I noticed that this is a hidden plague that has hindered my potential for all these years. Hitting rock bottom multiple times trying to escape the urge and failing as well as the lack of satisfaction in real sexual contact scared me profoundly. I feel dissatisfied with myself, distanced from emotion and incapable of fighting against the current.
I realized I cannot do this by myself as I am living alone and, as you know, the urges are harder to conquer when you have no one to talk to. Feeling deeply ashamed of talking to anybody else, I perceive in you guys the last chance I have for recovery.
I need your support in fighting through this. Can you please help me?
My name is Vlad, and I am an addict

 

Day 3
I have been here before and nothing that happens after so little time confuses me. The withdrawal symptoms like the so called superpowers did not make themselves noticeable, and the urges have been easy to keep under control.

I am also aware that triggers exist, and the underestimating of a small impulse can leave me back to square one before I know it. As I mentioned before, I am a pleasure addict which, as one may assume, is prone to amassing a great number of unhealthy habits such as smoking or staying up late. Experience has shown me that entertaining one unwanted behavior empowers the urges generated by the others. Therefore, for example, smoking a cigarette will lead to staying up late because of the lack of oxygen accelerating the heartbeat. The brain will then have conflicting thoughts and give birth to masturbation urges, that most of the times find success through my lowered defenses. Furthermore, the post orgasm thoughts as you know, are not that self assuring; so staying up another hour thinking about how mentally weak I am, seems all the more plausible.

I decided to get rid of all of these in unison, and therefore, this is the change I am not accustomed to. Having a proper sleep schedule is something that I have lacked since I can remember. I am feeling somewhat better physically but mentally it is a great gulp of fresh air. That is where I am starting to regain health and see through that fog that has polluted it for so long.

All beginnings are easy. I have not hit any obstacles yet so I was not properly tested. Writing about it is the new strategy that I am employing this time..it really seems to help!

 

Day 10
Even though urges appear stealthily and have deceiving strength, I have somehow managed to resist them so far. The superficial nature in which I approached life in general is slowly starting to fade...and it heals me greatly.

I have noticed I have started to be more self-centered and go after what I believe is mine. It baffles me that I am inclined to sacrifice this hard earned fulfilment that embraces me for just a few seconds of dirty pleasure, but I am aware that I need to suppress instinct's desire with the power of rationality.

You were right more than you think...exteriorizing it really helps in diminishing its strength. I am sad that I still need to keep this secret hidden from my close ones. Maybe in the future, shame will also fade in strength...