Sudden Chronic Loneliness

Thanks for all the encouragement @Adrenaline Junky. Today I have made it four days since I've PMO'd. This may seem insignificant to many but for the past few weeks I was trapped in a hell of relapsing every three days. Today I have broken out of that nightmarish cycle but I'm not clear of the danger yet. At various points today I felt compelled to PMO, but I resisted.

Something I try to think of is all the women who are part of my life: family, friends and colleagues who I care about and respect a lot. I try to see this struggle as a way of improving my relationship with them and acknowledging their dignity as persons.

I am still dealing with the loneliness that I face daily, but I cope by immersing myself in work and getting excited about upcoming projects. I haven't seen a doctor as yet because I haven't worked up the nerve. My doctor is very busy every day attending to patients with physical maladies. I think that it would be poor use of his time dealing with me and my mental issues.

Sometimes I imagine what it'd be like to be 30 and never having been with anyone. This is very much an eventuality for me, but it isn't the most pressing thing on my list of things to worry about. It lingers below the surface of my daily life when I see couples arm-in-arm in the streets, malls and coffee shops, or when a coworker casually mentions something that his girlfriend said or did, or when I attend an event and nearly everyone is seated next to their partner.

I am not upset or jealous of these people. Being with someone is a natural part of their reality, just as not being with someone is a natural part of mine. I am in the process of accepting and making peace with the fact that this is who I am; a trait interwoven into my fabric. Part of this is searching for medication that could rid me of sexual desire as well as feelings of romantic affection. I've been doing a lot of research into various drugs available for the former, as well as reading research being done on the latter. The former is attainable but the solution to the latter exists on the frontiers of biomedical research that are still being explored.

Hopefully within the next 10 years, scientists will make breakthroughs in that regard. I'd be more than willing to participate in clinical trials.