greetings from a new member; advice appreciated

Hello everybody!

I am a 35 year old man, very happily married for 5 years. I wouldn't say that I have a major problem. Sex is at OK-ish frequency, and is good (though there is always room for improvement). It could be more frequent though, and it is usually my fault that it is not.

I do masturbate in-between sex occasions though. I do not do it excessively, it is more like once per day in average. I would not say that I am addicted to hard porn: I usually watch either very soft porn, or just watch a sexy music video, or browse through the pictures of a hot celebrity. In rare occasions I do watch hardcore porn though.

I have not really discussed this with my wife, but I know for a fact that she would be very sad and upset if she knew about it. I know that some people think that masturbation when in relationship is healthy and good, and some think the opposite. She is definitely in the latter group. She never masturbates, and would be very hurt to know that I do it.

I feel very bad for several reasons. Firstly, because I feel that I am living a silent lie with my dearest one. Secondly, because I also believe that masturbation should not have a place in a serious relationship, that it is harmful for it and a bad sign. Thirdly, because I am very much against the existence of hardcore porn, as it is a horrible industry that mistreats and harms the people working in it in terrible ways. And finally, because I hate things like sexy music videos and sexy talent-less actresses, which are not real art and just pollute the internet and distract from real art, and I feel like a big dumb-ass hypocrite when I jerk off to them secretly.

It is hard to make a change about such things. I decided to see if being part of this community, and loudly announcing my intent to change my life, will allow me to do it.

Starting today, I will:
1. no longer masturbate (I never have and do not want to have nocturnal emissions, so that would mean only having orgasm when with my wife)
2. no longer stimulate my genitalia in any way; no edging
3. no longer watch any porn
4. no longer deliberately seek, and in general will avoid as best as realistically possible, online content I find sexy

No duration. I want this to be my life from now on.

Please wish me luck, and also, any advice will be highly appreciated!

 

Thanks man. Yes, I guess I will use this as a journal of my... attempt to change.

 

You are on the right track. Stick to it! Although masterbation once in a while can be healthy, it isn't when it is taking away from your relationship. When spending your sexual energy by yourself, it leaves you without a need to be with your wife. And of course it is so much worse when porn is involved.

Although some say you shouldn't tell your wife, she already knows that something is not right between you two and it is probably hurting her more than you realize. This addiction changes your behaviour in daily life, not just with sex. It numbs your emotions and that causes a lack of emotional intimacy and lack of communication. During your reboot, you may experience side effects that will cause more problems in your relationship when she doesn't know about your addiction. As an SO of an addict, I do suggest you tell her so that she can support you during this struggle. It helps you stay committed and accountable to your reboot. It will be hard for her to hear the truth, but your upfront honesty will ultimately mean much more to her than if she finds out on her own.

Good luck and stay strong!

 

Glad you're here! I identify your situation. I used porn daily for many many years. Having quit drinking and smoking, I thought porn was a relatively minor vice I could sustain. But addiction is addiction, and the PIED became too much to bear. My only advice for what it's worth is to consider setting a short-term goal shy of 'forever.' It helps me anyway to know that when I hit 90 I'll have really accomplished something. But it's totally your call of course. Keep us posted.

 

@MsPants thank you for your message. I completely agree with you that she is sensing "something" being wrong. And I completely agree with you that this makes me not only less available for sex, but also more distant in other ways. And I agree with you that the transition period will probably be hard, as I will probably be irritable at times, but I will try really hard to fight that and compensate for that. The fact is, I simply wouldn't be able to tell her now. I would be able to tell her after I have been who I would like to be for 2 years or so. And even then it will be hard and I will understate things very heavily. But I simply cannot now. I will be on my own during this transition. She helped me in so many other things. I have to manage with this on my own and maintain appearances during the tough times.

@Mooses67 Thank you. I had to quit many things too, and to adopt many good habits. And I was also thinking that this is OK in comparison. That's one case where the internet helped... it helped me realize how this is creating more problems than I imagine. I was considering setting a goal, a time mark, but I decided to rather take the approach of considering my addiction like cigarettes... Quitting cigarettes does not work well if you smoke one every 3 months... the analogy might be wrong, and I might be making it harder, but this is how I feel at present.

 

Well, the first couple of days were not too bad. I caught myself thinking quite a few times "well this sucks but afterwords I will jerk off... oh wait". Apparently I commonly use masturbation as stress relief.

I already had the feeling that the distance between my wife and me has gotten a bit smaller. I guess that other times I have feelings of guilt, and that makes me more distant. I enjoyed giving her a lengthy foot massage, without getting impatient during it. She seems happy with the attention I am paying to her.

So, so far, I am really happy with this. I need to focus on it so that I don't forget it and relapse by reflex. And I am more tense. but other than that, no big deal. Feeling great, actually.

 

@iceman40 There is definitely room for wild sex in a marriage, but I guess it is something that does not happen extremely often. It happens when one or both participants have undergone an important event, or some catharsis, or during great holidays, etc. There is definitely room in a marriage for a lot of not-so-wild sex, for regular, good, pleasant sex. And, of course, there is also all the additional intimacy, which is nice in a long-term relationship: cuddling together watching something, hugging and kissing every now and again, and so on. I think all of these are very important and very pleasant in a marriage. And I think all 3 are harmed if the man indulges in masturbation.

PS: and thank you!

 

Yep! Analogies to other vices are tricky when it comes to giving up porn. I think the addiction part--what's happening in the brain--is the same. Feels the same to me anyway. But it all breaks down when I consider the girls who make the shit I was addicted to and what their lives are or must have been to get them where they've ended up. I'd always been able to set that aside with one rationalization or another, but that's changing. Anyway, we're doing good work today. Keep at it and keep thinking and stay kind.

 

@Mooses67 Guilt can be a horrible thing. It does not bring any value, but can make it much harder to make something good out of the future. I have suffered from guilt many times... Guilt makes it virtually impossible to change.

On the other hand, being free of old rationalizations is a great thing... Allows to move forward.

Good luck to you too!

 

Well, it looks like "blue balls" can be an issue. Yesterday evening with my wife we did a bit of foreplay, but it did not evolve into sex, as she was feeling under the weather. I could sleep well in spite of the arousal due to being very tired. But the "blue balls" are a discomfort and distraction today as I go around doing my stuff. Any advice?

 

Hello husbandengineer!
Before I start let me wish you all the best and good luck with your commitments!

I'd like to address your four problems as you have specified them.
1. Lying: I believe that life can get very messy and we all do things we regret from time to time. All of us. It seems to me a fact of life. It is what happens after what in my opinion really matters. Being able to be honest with your wife might come as a greatest reward you might imagine!
2. Masturbation have no place in a serious relationship: I used to think the same way but not any more. Personally I'm not able to masturbate in that way but I think it can be a positive act, thoughtful of a loved person.
3. Porn industry: I agree with you. What breaks my heart however is that there is a lot of anti-porn movement, but in some communities pro-sexuality voices are non-existent. Between total abstinence from esx until marriage and porn I (suprisingly?) ended up with the latter. Our society lacks balanced discussion, and places like this forum where we are free to admit our imperfections.
4. Talentless softporn/pop culture: I thought I'm the only person with this problem!

Sadly I can't advice you on a "blue balls" problem. I only think that once your wife feels better, being together will have an added value of looking forward to it.
Good luck and keep posting.
mk

 

Thank you @mk2.7182818284 ! Why do you no longer think that masturbation has no place in a serious relationship, by the way?

Currently progress is actually really very hard, much harder than I expected. My wife being ill now is a bad coincidence. I can feel my prostate, and it is not a great feeling; I constantly earn for relief. I have the strong feeling that I will not be able to keep it up much longer. The idea of turning it into a permanent lifestyle is more and more scary...

 

Well, attempt number one ended very early, it only took a week or so.

I had greatly underestimated the challenge. And my wife was ill, which meant no sex then. Which can of course happen, but I guess the timing was poor...

I am planning to start attempt number 2 tomorrow. I am not sure how to prepare, if that's possible at all. Blue balls, prostate pains, and being so horny that I cannot work or sleep, are all worrying things that I am not sure how to deal with. Today I should have some time to think about a strategy.

 

@husbandengineer It is possible to prepare and do better in this attempt. Check out the guide in my signature, I believe it might help you to prepare better for this attempt.

Good luck!

 

Hello @husbandengineer:
Good luck with your second attempt! Setting the right goal seems to be the key. That's how I slowly get rid of work procrastination - before I would struggle trying to get "from zero to hero" in one go.
Answering your question: If someone is separated from their loved one for a prolonged period of time longing can take variety of forms including sexual. A masturbation with a fantasy of that person being near seems to me only natural. That of course seems heavy-hearted and possibly being an easy slip to fantasize about other things. That's why I think it's not possible for someone who is still heavily dependant on P.
I hope it makes some sense to you.
Best,