Tori's Journey

@Tori S. :
I just had 2 months of being addicted to watching cams – 2 months of being completely numb. God helps me, now i already stopped. Here are some of my experiences about it:

money: i never thought i would pay for adult stuffs, but this time i did. At first, i just wanted to spend a little bit just for fun, but then i kept craving and spend more and more.

Time: life of a cam model can be very lonely, she was sitting in front of a computer for hours waiting for tips or private shows. Life of an audience is lonely, sitting, watching, tipping, and especially waiting. I remember i had been waiting for days and doing nothing just but waiting for her to go online.

A fantasy of love: always thought my rational is always sharp, but i was wrong. There were moments i thought i was in love with a model, also though she was in love with. A perfect fantasy of love had started. As a result, i kept coming back to cam site just to experience that love again. I pay to buy her appreciation, i pay to buy her smile, i pay to buy love. It felt good ... for a short period. At the end of the day, loneliness grows stronger than ever.

Addictive as porn (maybe more): camming can be addictive to both models and audiences: camming makes both roles feel less lonely. About porn, after i release, it's done, but about camming, it keeps going. Actually i didn't fap much on cam sites, just watching mindlessly, and chatting with models. I just needed the emotions they gave me, not really expected something sexual.

My withdrawal symptoms after stop watching: just like pmo, but more numb, memory loss, losing of concentration ability. This was the worst major depressive episode i've ever experienced. I couldn't do anything, just sleeping, couldn't think, couldn't feel. It wasn't even empty, it was completely blank instead.

So many bad things happened, but i gotta forgive myself, yes i made a mistake, i admit it, but beating myself up would bring me back to the addiction in the future. I'm thankful to those models for making me feel love which i have lost for such a long time. I'm thankful, but that love is just...not real.

The more i feel happy in the fantasy, i more feel numb and lonely in real life.​

i'm still thinking about the way out. as a person who has been with depression for long time, i think the way out is to wake up my anxiety which i mean mindfulness.

 

Wow man, that's an amazing story. It really made me realize how scared and fragile we are ,not because that's normal, human nature is actually the opposite, but because of the society and the excessive use of technology society that promotes isolation separates us. After reading your story I've made a decision, the time spent on Internet (fb, youtube, nofap and other sites) will be cut in half. I already stopped playing video games and this will be my next step.
Thanks again, keep growing strong.

 

I definitely hear you on that, Tori! Sometimes I've just had to sit in a quiet corner and take deep breaths, far from anything online. If it comes down to waging the battle not day by day but hour by hour, or ten minute period to ten minute period of freedom, that's the way to go. Best thoughts for you!

 

I hear ya.... gonna have to find a distraction and resist temptation! Easier said than done lol

I've been trying to get back into playing guitar, it's kind of medatitive.... distracts the hands and occupies the mind!

 

yup, camming is one of my weaknesses.... spent way too long on those sites and spent way too much money lol

Finally got around to deleting all my porn yesterday, which was cam related stuff featured heavily...


...it felt good to get rid of it! Just clutter that i never watched and kept largely due to the money spent on it... can't seem to delete things like my MGF or MFC accounts yet though lol FML

 

It's easier than it looks to learn.... but a complete mission to master. Do you have any other interests that you can fall back on?

 

Well, that would certainly be a distraction anyway lol


You just stay strong, if you really want to do this.... you're better off without camming anyway, I know what it's like... it can be great fun, but most of the guys are just arseholes....

 

That probably makes it worse then.... if it's all positive!

 

Well, i don't have much in the way of advice to offer then.... perhaps just being on here is enough of a distraction anyway. Just have to find a way to control the urge or distract yourself from it... me, i think i'm gonna go geek it up on youtube for a bit... I'm mad into videos about physics at the moment... can't get my head around pretty uch most of it, but it's certainly a good distraction... and i'm not gonna get triggered there, that's for sure!

 

Which instrument would you like to learn to play, Tori? The ukulele can be fun and it's easily portable; same for the mandolin. I agree that playing music focuses you in a different and quite positive direction!

 

I second this.

If you feel like you're going to relapse, use the panic button at the top right of your page. Works good.

 

Hope you made it through, though if you didnt refocus and get back on track with your reboot.

If you know what triggers your urges, it may be better to find out how to avoid them. You mentioned when your alone in the first post is when you are tempted...so maybe get out in public or get an accountability partner, someone to take any of the sexuality you get with camming partners. Its fine to have relationships and people to talk to outside of the boyfriend and you need to engineer a situation where you have to talk where it doesnt feel like cheating. The community in the forums is great however you may need a more personal alternative.
Obviously if that's off point or avoiding urges isn't possible having a couple easy go-to's for distaction is a great method too.

 

Tori, is there something you get out of camming that you feel is lacking in your life or relationship otherwise?

Though I was more into watching broadcasts than broadcasting, I think I can see the appeal. People pay compliments (and money) and it sounds like it feels positive. For me, I am a huge flirt at times (usually with people I shouldn't be) and that bit of attention I can get from a stranger is a huge rush.

But it also isn't real. That person has their own issues and inadequacies they are dealing with. They don't really know the real you any more than you know the real them.

Real relationships are generally much more boring in some regards compared to the thrill of new people and all...but they are better in many other aspects to them... It is a slow steady burn rather than the over-too-soon bright blaze...

 

Good luck, okay? You can, you will.

 

Welcome! I am also a college nursing student so I can feel your struggle haha. Good luck with everything!