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Need Advice On Escalating Things With This Girl

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by volt2187, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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    Let the fish out man, you gotta give the line time as pulling on a 120lbs fish is real tiring. Let her aproach you now dude. She's aware you're going to it which shows you don't lead a boring life so what you gotta do now is let her come to you. Dont contact her now dude and instead go work on yourself and then she will contact you. If you're difficult to get she will want you more.
     
    volt2187 likes this.
  2. Yep, I wholly concur with this. The last woman that I liked ended up hooking up with another guy. I felt betrayed and frankly didn't want to see her again. I blocked her number and moved on. Later, my ex-manager told me that this woman came by looking for me. Not only that, a mutual friend that she worked with told me that she had been asking about me. This mutual friend also told me that the woman had been seeing this other guy as a means of getting me to make a move.

    This is a woman that slept with someone else and she came running to find me as soon as I cut off communication. Imagine how powerful that is. I was completely heart broken and wouldn't have her back, but it did teach me that this is a powerful tactic if you want to get a woman's attention when she is losing interest.

    In other words, I recommend not texting her or calling her until you get a response as well. Don't keep using this over and over or she will feel dicked around. Just for now and once she gets at you, then make the date. No long texts anymore, use texting as a means to set a date. Then save the conversation for the date.

    I know that it's hard as hell because each time she texts you is like a dopamine hit. Seriously though, she will start to lose interest if all over conversation takes place over the phone and texting. Your idea about the staircase mountain was ingenious! Keep going for stuff like that. It's a highly arousing environment in a neurological sense.

    There was this study done where there were two different environments used for a date. One was a short bridge over a creek and the other was a high swinging bridge over a canyon. Every time, the people on the the high swinging bridge had stronger words to use about the person that they went on the date with. Keep using that to your advantage!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2016
    volt2187 and insert name here like this.
  3. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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  4. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    I know I need to and it's so hard for me to adopt this mindset because of my lack of success with girls in the past, because as @Dante Alighieri said, getting messages from her, or any girl, is like a dopamine hit for me because admittedly it's a great feeling (probably why girls message so many guys on Tinder, Facebook and the likes). BUT, there's a connection to why I haven't had a girlfriend or anything longer than a few weeks with a girl and it's because of my neediness, coupled with escalation issues. So yes, this is fantastic advice, I knew it (because I read that bodybuilding forum post months ago), but sometimes my mind goes off track and I revert to my old ways.

    I also know I need to slow down with the texting, but part of why it started so heavy between us was because I was only briefly introduced to her for like 10 seconds by my sister, and we didn't get a chance to talk other than to exchange names. She is fairly shy and has insecurity and anxiety issues she's working on just like me, which became clear shortly after I started talking to her. The first night I started messaging her, after talking for about a half-hour I asked her out and she avoided the question. I asked a few more times and she was a little more warm to it, but still nothing. After hanging out the first time about 2-3 weeks after talking, mostly by chance as she went with friends to the same bar I went with my friends, it escalated from 0 to 100, because her friend was pushing me to, and alcohol was involved haha.

    This scared her and was probably too fast for her. I'm 99% sure she's only had one boyfriend, and is at a stage where she is working on herself (like me, ugh!). That next week her guy friend was there and he was all close to her (not in a sexual way, but they were doing shots and he was leading her around), which completely fucked with my confidence. I stopped talking to her for a week and a half, picked it up again, and 2 weeks later she asked me to go out. I asked her about the mountain incline multiple times, but after our 2 nights out, this time when I asked her, she instantly said yes and we set it up. I've also picked her up twice so far and this tells me she's really beginning to trust me.

    My sister told me to ask her one last time to go to the concert with me before I left and when I told her I was going alone she was shocked. I told her when she told me about the concert that I was interested in seeing the bands, and I don't think she thought I was serious. If I would have stayed home that would have communicated to her that I only wanted to go to the concert for her sake, to be with her. Instead now it shows that I didn't need her, or anyone else (because she kept asking me who I was going with) to enjoy myself, which is probably why she responded so strongly to me last night.

    I did mistakenly ask her last night to hang out tonight, mostly because she kept telling me she regretted not going with me to the concert. No reply yet, but it was late and she works all day. I bought her a shirt there so we'll have to meet up at some point! But yes, I've put in my work and now it's time to step back again and let her come to me. The next time she does though it's go time and I'm not going to hold back any feelings with her.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2016
  5. ws01

    ws01 New Fapstronaut

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  6. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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    Bravo.

    I actually like the train idea that i've read before. Men have to be like a train, we have a destination to get to and we will reach it. Now women can get on our train as a passenger but they can't and won't be allowed to change the direction or destination of the train. Like a train many people will get off of it because they don't want to go to the end of the tracks and so get off as we are travelling to our lifes goals and dreams but like a train, many people can get on at different stages in our life, these people may bring us experiences and things that better our lives but they to cannot change the course of our journey.

    It's great that you have found someone you like but it seems you have developed oneitis, a very toxic disease that must be vacinated. I believe you need to go meet other girls so you don't put all your eggs into one basket so to speak as it seems you are betting it all on this one women.

    Just because i like to eat ice cream doesnt mean i can't eat chocolate. Sure once i decide to do a diet i have to stick to certain foods but currently dude you are not dieting so go try different foods.
     
    Dante Alighieri and volt2187 like this.
  7. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    ^Your right, I am, I can tell I'm starting to fall for her, which as you said isn't good this early on. What's different between now and past girls is before I would get clingy instantly, where as now it's been slowly developed, still not good though. Doing some self-development and working on myself has helped me put girls on the back burner per-say, as I don't focus my attention on pleasing them and on not fucking up with them.

    I think she noticed me getting clingy back when we drunkingly made out, which is why she backed off and things got stagnant. So in that sense I've already experienced the fish strategy, which is confidence boosting. Today marks a new week and I'm going to start backing off again, letting her come to me. She did a little last night, asking what I was doing (hasn't asked me that until recently) and apologizing for not replying the previous night.

    Hey and thanks again man, and everyone else who's posted in here, you guys seriously feel like older brothers to me right now, with all the advice and everything. I've always went at this alone in my past and never adjusted my mindset so I basically just kept spinning my wheels, only to get frustrated. It feels great to finally begin to break that old mindset and to begin to assert myself more in general, and I know things will get easier for me from now on forward.
     
  8. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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    It's strange because you're a guy on a internet forum that i don't know or may never know but i actually really want you to succeed so i'll give you the only thing i can; these links:

    Now we have been checking to see if you can handle your liquor with small sips of light beer and you have been drinking it fine so i think you're ready for the stronger stuff.

    We can keep giving you sips of the drink but maybe it's best you drink the whole glass so you can get drunk and have a good time.

    This one is to start you on your journey, call it a shot of tequila to get you started on your night out:

    https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/4radyp/collected_advice_and_methods_for_beginners/

    So you finally got into the mood with that first drink and so i present to you the open bar, you are about to get wasted then a hangover will pursue as you awake to the truth and boy oh boy your head is going to hurt with this one but fret not for the pain will subside and you will sundenly smell bacon cooking and thus your rebirth will be complete:

    https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/

    what i have provided here could be seen by many as misogynistic or sexist but everything i have advised you on are core principles of the red pill. You may not agree with some of the stuff you read but i assure you it is going to help you.

    This for example, is a forum about oneitis in which everything checks out:
    https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/39cgki/the_rule_of_2s_how_to_avoid_oneitis/

    You are about to go on a wild ride of mind blowing stuff but you will come out a better man. I wish i was opened up to this when i was younger.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  9. You are absolutely welcome! We are all here to help you. I never had little siblings. I have several older brothers and one older sister. So, I guess being the youngest and never getting that brotherly advice I so wished for made me want to be an older brother to other people that needed help. My brothers, nor my dad, never taught me shit about women. They all wifed up the first woman that would have them, even my dad. I watched them and never wanted that for myself.

    This is part of why I said that it would be a good idea to practice with other women. I am further amending that to saying, even try to go on a date with another woman. I used to think this was being a player, but it's not. You can do this respectfully. It's about being honest with the women you are seeing. You just tell them upfront, that you are dating around. You could also say that you are looking for a long term, meaningful relationship because it seems to me like you are. There isn't anything wrong with that and stating what you are looking for further asserts your manly qualities in knowing what you want.

    I totally get where you are at and I've been there. It's so easy to fall in love for me that I have to be careful that I don't give too much away to a woman commitment wise right away. You don't owe this woman anything commitment wise. You haven't girlfriended her up, so as far as she is concerned. She is a free agent and so are you. There is nothing wrong with being open to her still.

    Maybe it would be a good idea to ask your sister to be wing woman again. It sounds like her and her friends were being awesome in getting you to approach. That's what you need a wing person. Someone to help you fly. You've got wings, my friend. It's just a matter of knowing that you can fly alone. Once you have a wing person help get you to approach many times. It will be all the easier to approach alone and whenever you want, not just in a bar. You don't need to be with a woman just because she's the first one you have a bit of chemistry with. You're a cool guy, there's no reason why you can't connect with other women you're attracted to.

    Here's an interesting thought that I shared with someone else on this forum:

    You are a car. Your physical attraction for a woman is the ignition for that car. Which is great, as it makes the car start up so that you can maneuver around. However, the car needs gas in order to keep going. That gas needs to be replenished every once in a while or the car will break down. The gas is a woman's qualities.

    Make a very detailed list of the qualities that you would like to see in a woman that would be the best mate for you.

    Don't be vague, as in don't just say:

    Smart
    Funny
    Cool

    Instead, think deeper:

    Smart, but not a know it all
    Funny, but not in a cutting hurtful way
    Cool, but not too cool for school
    Loyal, but also has her own social circle
    Decent taste of music and open to different artists
    Not a flake, always keeps her dates and has good reason why on the very few occasions that she does flake
    Etc...

    Your own list will and should differ from mine. Think about the women you've fallen in love with. What were their best qualities? Take that as far as it can go. Raise your standards higher than you ever have. This sounds counter intuitive, but it makes you the evaluator and not the evaluated. You are deciding if this woman will make a good partner for you and a good mother for your children. Not the other way around. It will make you feel less anxiety on approach because you have all of these traits in mind besides physical attraction and chemistry. This is so powerful because it gives you the ability to say fuck it and walk away if they seem like too much trouble, which saves you time, energy, money, etc.

    As an excercise, ask a woman you know what qualities she looks for in a man. Think about those qualities she lists and really contemplate on your own list. Get a little mini composition notebook from the Dollar Store and write the qualities you want in a woman down. Keep it with you. As soon as you think of another quality, write it down. Women more often than not have a very long list of qualities like I mentioned. Which is why it can feel like as men we are being tested and evaluated at every step because we offer ourselves up to be evaluated.

    Don't let them, you do the evaluating and they will be so thrown off that they can't really process evaluating you until they get home and are like, "Wait, wtf just happened? He's not like other guys somehow." Which will make her think about you when she's not with you, which is what you want.

    Every time you get lonely from now on. Think to yourself, "I have chosen this. I have high standards. I will NOT settle for mediocrity. When I do find someone. We are going to be great together! It's going to be worth all of this."

    While I have agreed with a lot that you said, this can be misconstrued and taken to an extreme. I agree that dating around in this situation is a good idea. However, there is nothing wrong with having eyes for one woman if she displays the qualities that make her deserving of this. It's all about reciprocation. If you like her, she likes you and there isn't any question about it, such as her not answering messages or acting distant, then there is no reason why you should be seeing other people. If you find a golden opportunity to have the relationship you want, that's a situation in which "oneitis" is not a toxic disease at all. In fact, it's something very beautiful indeed.

    I'm sure that's what you intended insert name here. I just wanted to clarify this because I've seen guys fall into the "red pill" trap of never ending one offs and not being able to lock down a relationship. Which, is fine if hooking up is all you're after. However, it sounds like OP is wanting a relationship, not just to hook up. Am I wrong about this? I've read phrases like falling in love. That's good stuff, don't lose that heart and exchange it for a cement filled player's heart.

    There is some good advice on that reddit, but like you said there is confusing misogynistic bullshit there too. This is why I've taken most of my advice from Hayley Quinn. She's all about an ethical approach and she was actually a ghost writer for some of the guys in the "Pick Up Artist" industry before she realized how unethical and contradictory a lot of the advice was. Just my two cents on the matter.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2016
  10. @volt2187 the only thing you must think about is :
    - if you don't ask her out it'll never be possible to start a relationship with her
    - if you ask her out and she rejects you, you can still be friends because she enjoys your company

    ...but anyways I'm pretty sure she wants you
     
  11. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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    Nope being friends with a women who has rejected you is a bad idea.That's the kind of advice that got him here in the first place.

    Volt the only real advice you need is to follow my newest post above this. I can't force you to but i can just promise you that if you take the journey then you sure as hell won't be needing to be getting advice on women again.
     
  12. I more or less second this, unless you give it a lot of time and allow yourself to date around for a while. Otherwise, the love will only keep growing and it will get harder and harder to be around her. Let's try to be positive here though. The situation hasn't gotten to this point. There is still hope. Just don't give her too much more than she is giving you.
     
  13. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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    I also welcome you to take the journey offered to volt as i believe it would be valuable to you aswell shown in my post above. it is a choice though and i can only offer it to you.
     
  14. Ok, I decided to read some of it. It's got my seal of approval so far. The first thread I came across was something like, "Dating a Married Chick". The first response was,

    "how about having a moral code? the first time was an honest mistake. now you know she has a family. leave it alone."

    The second was, "
    Russian? Married? Cheating? Crotchfruit? Fucking RUN FORREST RUN!"

    I just read about shit tests. I wholly believe that no matter what shit tests a woman throws at you. If you go in as an evaluator, they won't phase you one bit. This is good stuff, so far.
     
  15. insert name here

    insert name here Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you are enjoying it. The red pill came together from a group of guys that couldn't get laid or get girls despite what society had told them like how you need to be nice to women and do things for them or protect them. They then joined together and discussed topics like attraction,game,self improvement and female nature and thus the red pill is where it is today. The thing that shines about it is that it promises nothing but the truth and doesn't try to sell you something.

    With the knowledge and mindset i have now i could have avoided all situations where i sucked with women.

    The first date i went on with a girl went wonderful until it came to the end and i needed a ride home and asked for a lift and then i get home and after not answering my calls for a few days i get a text saying she doesn't think we should keep dating. At the time it kind of sucked but now i can look it and see how by needing something from her i lowered my sexual market value i was also temping at the time and so because i didn't have a solid means of income i was of low value to her and thus dumped where as when we met at a night out i was confident and cocky and it helps that i work out alot and have a good body aswell as it helps draw them in and she was totaly into me. Dating is like walking on a tight rope as one mess up and it's all over.

    Another thread from the red pill
    tps://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2pbk76/fr_i_am_too_tired_for_sex/ this one is golden
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  16. Meh, I don't know about all of that. You can't assume every woman reacts the exact same way. I'm reading more on this subreddit and the more I'm reading... The more I see it as purple Kool Aid.

    This is misogyny at it's worst. It may be "free", but there are some serious mind worms in here that can fuck your head if you're not careful.

    Like you said, there is some knowledge to be found. We have to be sure as individuals that we don't ever drink the Kool Aid and always drink water. Water being what we know to be true and Kool Aid being the poison powder that misogynistic idiots mix in with the water.

    The problem with red pill is that it substitutes true confidence in the self with a general distrust of women and fear of manipulation by said sex. I whole heartedly disagree with this. It's basically pick up repackaged with even more misogyny, which I didn't think was possible.

    Women are just people. They aren't out to get you, they don't want to steal your money, they don't want to use you for sex. And if they do, they aren't the kind of women you want in your life.

    I'm sorry, I'm not trying to spark a big debate here. If you want to talk more about it, we should be respectful and PM as it's straying too far from the thread.

    The real red pill is this. People are people, male, female, white, black, brown, whatever.

    Saying that all women will stop calling you because you need something from them in the beginning is total bullshit. On my brother's second date with his, now wife, he and I set up a private birthday celebration for her. Just him, her and I. We decorated and stuff.

    Halfway through the night, my brother's back flared up. He had to go to the hospital, she helped me get him up off of the floor and to the car. That is the most vulnerable you can possibly get. They are married dude, married. He needed her and she was there.

    So, by your logic, she should have never spoken to him again. Instead, she was a good person, was there for him and realized how much of a catch he was. I might mention, he's poor as fuck and was back then in a super shitty apartment.

    You should seriously re evaluate your views on women. Things are not as "Red Pill" makes them seem. They really are just people that are aroused in a different way and it's up to us to arouse them with our personalities and how we behave.

    Not only that. Relationships are formed on trust, if you start the whole dating phase off distrustful of women in general. Even if you get far, it will not be healthy for the relationship.

    I don't want you to think I'm just trying to be contrary or a jerk. I am really am looking for both men and women out there when I say all of this. It's very important to me. I hope that you take this in the best possible way.
     
    EscapeVelocity and AnotherWay like this.
  17. SDPS

    SDPS Fapstronaut

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    Hey Volt mate, thanks for sharing your story. It is so familiar that I'm almost convinced we are the same person. It gives me a little boost to know that I'm not alone.

    I am 28, (29 in a week,) and have similarly little experience with girls. Went to an all-boys high school and then when I went to university I pretty much shut down socially. Joined the army after that, no chance there. After that I just wasn't very social, not experienced enough to have the courage to seek someone out and meanwhile my "needs" we're being satisfied by an increasingly prevalent PMO habit which I'm currently getting on top of.

    But eventually I did start working on my social isolation and as tends to happen I met someone. Unfortunately I was similarly paralysed with what to do. I clumsily attempted to forge a relationship but wasn't able to actually commit. I was too backwards in coming forward. Then, at the same time as I was actually making some progress, a family situation happened that threw me to the darkest level of depression I ever faced. In climbing back to where I was I have managed to address a number of personal issues that I have needed to address for a very very long time - but I also fear I have missed my chance with this girl. I'm not sure what I can do about it. We're still good friends but there is an unresolved issue thanks to my inability to grow a spine or waiting for the perfect time or the clearest sign or whatever.

    But like I said, it's good to know I'm not alone. We'll both continue working on it - best of luck.
     
  18. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    Update time:

    We've been lightly chatting, nothing major, but today I told her about a concert in November that's one of her favorite bands, so I wanted to let her know. She of course freaked out and when I brought up going, she said "we should goooooo". When I asked her if she wanted me to get a second ticket for her (because of course I want to go as well) her reply was: PAH leeeez???

    Fucking lol.

    So, either she's so giddy about the show she didn't realize it's 3 months away or she has feelings towards me, because that's a long time from now. Of course shit can change in a instant, but I'm still feeling good. The only thing that still nags on me is coming on to fast/strong to her. Granted we've been talking since May, so it's time I man up and start escalating, but it feels too that she's happy being single right now. I'm not desperate in the sense that I HAVE to have a girlfriend (I would rather take it slow with someone than go from one girl to the next anyways), but I DO want a girlfriend so I need to make that known. Just need to make my intentions known with her so it's on the table at least and so she knows and isn't confused. I feel after last week though this isn't a mystery to her.

    Another thing that makes this hard for me is I don't have a lot of friends, or at least close friends. I get along great with my coworkers and have hung out with them a few times but they're not close friends, and my sister's mutual friends are still new to me so I'm not close to them yet either. I'm going to join a run club and crossfit so that'll help me in that aspect. I've reconnected with an old friend recently too, so that's good. Gotta just force myself out there with both genders with the intentions to gain friendships.

    But anyways what makes this hard with her is that I have the tendency to instantly want to hang out with her at every chance I get, which isn't healthy and will cause this to blow up in my face. My head tells me no, but my heart says yes, so it's just another bad habit that's held me down over the years that I need to break. I know if I'm ever going to have a chance with a relationship with a girl I gotta cut back on the clingyness, and let things grow over time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2016
  19. volt2187

    volt2187 Guest

    Absolutely man, I do it mostly because I'm tired of accepting how I've been for all these years and want to make the changes I need to improve myself. I'm not ashamed of my past or lack of success with girls, it is what it is, and knowing that I need to change how I handle these situations motivates me to push myself on a daily basis.

    Sorry to hear about the issues you had with your lady friend, but if it's meant to be you'll find a way to work around the issues. And if it doesn't work out try to learn from the experience so you don't go down that road again.

    To the rest of you guys with the new advice, I'll go through it slowly and try to digest it all, there's a ton there and from briefly going through it I agree with it. Going on more dates or even talking to other girls will help me a ton. In my past, every time I would begin talking to a new girl I would instantly start going on and on in my head that I have to date this chick and make her my girlfriend, which would instantly put me in the needyness mindset, which would always chase them away. Having little intentions will do me great in the longrun and is what I need to break from any one-itis I gain towards girls.
     
    SDPS likes this.
  20. SDPS

    SDPS Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I tend to overthink things too. You put so much pressure on yourself. There is no way in Hell it's meant to be as difficult as we make it for ourselves.
     

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