Doing this

20 y/o male

Started with MO in early teen years (13-14). Took another year before I started with internet P. Had a period where I would PMO almost every day and regularly multiple times a day (16 or something). Decided that it was to much and cut it down to 2-3 times a week and sometimes even less.

I have never been a social person. Had anger management issues during primary school, got that fixed. During that period they also concluded that I was highly intelligent. Made it through High School on the highest level with minimal studying. It came with a few disadvantages: light autism, almost no social skills, never was really popular in school and very bad at dealing with emotions. Couldn’t manage to keep conversations going with girls Not that I was better with guys…

However I managed to get a girlfriend, just kind of happened doing voluntary work at the same organization as her. That was 1,5 year ago. About a little more than a year ago on her birthday her parents weren’t home, so we had the house to ourselves. We both wanted to have sex, but it didn’t happen. Was the first time I saw a real women naked, but nothing happened down there.

The reason? I think a combination of PIED and anxiety. I did not know how to express emotions, but thanks to my gf this has been improved a lot. But it takes a lot of time, during some of our attempts to have sex I would completely shut down mentally and freak out. After a year of trying it finally happened.

During the relationship I sort of managed to keep of P. Spend a summer vacation without P, did a 3 week streak without PMO, which was broken by an O from a BJ J (which I still remember, almost passed out. Sucked the energy right out of me ). I never really stopped with MO and relapsed a few times with PMO. Goes fine for some time and then there’s a bad week

And now: two weeks into a 6 month internship away from home in which I also want to get myself together. Decided not to bring P, but last week has been bad. PMO’ed multiple times. Then on the last of July I was reading in the Christian diary my girlfriend bought me, it was about porn and it struck me. Deleted the P I collected that week and decided to start NoFap. Signed up and PMO free for almost 3 days.

Goals:
- No more PMO
- Being able to have a normal conversation with a girl and maybe even make some female friends
- Regain my focus and concentration
- No more ED

Girlfriend does know that I watched P in the past, does not know that I still struggle with P, especially the last few months. She is fine with MO. Not sure if I will tell her and if yes, how?

 

Thank you. Interacting with a computer screen is much easier than real life. I have no problems interacting with woman if I need some information from them, hell I can even sell fashion to them. But if I need to get out of my comfort zone or in a situation where I am not in control, oh boy "Emergency shutdown of all common sense and communication functions".

Guess I will be honest with the GF and tell her. Might take some time before I am alone with her again.

Can I start a journal here or should I do that in the reboot section?
Day 5
Still going good, not really urges to watch P. Part of me want to MO, but resisting it.
Last midnight after our shift we sat down and apparently the P channel is working again, looked away as soon as the image came onto the screen and we changed channel. Could resist the temptation to keep my eyes on the screen.
Tried meditation, went better than expected. Will try to keep doing this starting with 3 minutes each day and slowly increasing.
Starting showering with warm water, finished cold. Felt refreshed and will keep doing this, goal is to go cold for the whole shower.