I listened to a song today that made me cry

the song name : Lionel Richie - Hello

Even though at that time i was a PMO watching gay/transwoman porn addict , i did not have hocd and considered myself straight

I remembered always putting this song and to think about a girl i love (a classmate) i remember the feelings of happiness,of joy and of love when only thinking about her. I remember the urge to tell her i love you and for her to be my girlfriend,i remember how time passe by real quickly talking to her and the butterflies i get just from seeing her

Now I am emotionally dead , getting attraction to guys or anxiety i do not know
you may ask me how do you know that these attraction to guys are not real ? well to tell you the truth, what kinda reassured me is that before HOCD i've never felt anything for a guy and even now i'm getting attraction/anxiety on childhood friends, friends i considered as brothers for almost 20 years, feeling some thing when i watch one direction songs and i remember very well i've felt nothing when watching them i remember myself saying i wish i was in a band and i'll be like Zayn and if that happens i'll have a lot of girls , i remember even in my childhood wishing if there is a machine to tell you if that girl loves you

Now, I'm lost