This will be a long post- These are the effects porn has had on my life- This is why I'm here

Before starting nofap, I had no idea the kinds of effects the addiction could have on me.

Firstly, I was bullied from the start of elementary school(USA student here)- through junior high. Toward the end of elementary I started porn, and was quickly fascinated. At the time it was slow speed dialup- using google images. That alone wasn't quite so bad, because it wasn't so easily accessible, but using it as a coping mechanism for what I was experiencing was. This habit laid the foundation for the rest of my addiction. In sixth grade I met a girl I was really infatuated with. She moved in across the street from me with her two brothers, the older of which I became good friends with. Over the course of the next few years going into jr high, me and her began to like each other more and more- and it got close to dating. But at the time I was masturbating so much that I didn't quite have that same drive one would normally have to give things that push. I mean that in a totally consensual way. There needs to be strong enough chemistry on both sides otherwise the ends of the rope will fray. I came to find out the parents they were staying with(birth mom, step dad) were abusive(lots of visits from the CPS occurred at that house), it was mainly the mom. The girl I was into began fooling around with other guys, and eventually without a word ran away from home to live with her dad who would treat her better. At the time I was very hurt that she'd do all that, because I thought we had something going. However I didnt consider my own responsibility for how things were developing, nor did I consider her feelings. She was being abused, and all I cared about was my dick it seemed. But I didn't know that. When she left my addiction swelled, and I began using more and more. I had a short term relationship in jr high without much development- then went into HS.

In HS the bullying stopped because I switched schools. I met a girl I was into, she was into me, we dated for a week, then she broke up with me for unexplained reasons. I believe it was because of my awkwardness at the time- considering I was already underdeveloped socially from my porn usage prior. Then came another relationship that lasted extremely short. She broke up with me without much reason. I know at the time we were trying to become more physical, but I was just too afraid, and didn't have that spark I spoke of earlier.. Then came another relationship, where I felt empty inside during it, and I broke up with her out of lack of interest. All the while these relationships were happening, I was going home and fapping relentlessly, not at all thinking about the consequences. Whenever the girls would break up with me or I would them, I would feel as if they hurt me. My insecurities grew, and my usage skyrocketed. The end result was a lack of motivation for much of.. anything, really. I began using websites like chaturbate regularly (spending my hard earned allowance) to fill a void I felt inside. I had another relationship before HS ended, with a beautiful girl who Im still friends with today- and I think at one point, I actually loved her. But I broke up with her, twice, because I was unsure of myself. And I honestly expected her to come back again- not expecting her to not be as comfortable with me in that way.

I graduated HS with a surprisingly OK GPA, considering how much I slacked. I went to college where Id proceed to partly waste my time because I would often drop classes. The classes I kept I did good in, but I didnt have much drive to push myself to where I know I could be. I'd spend time narcissitically in my head, worrying about women, oogling over pictures on facebook- making awkward and dumb attempts at flirting because I had no idea how to- then Id turn back to porn all the time because it was so much easier. Especially with chaturbate, because when Id cam with them itd feel like I was connecting in a way.. (no pun intended).

Porn has ruled my life, destroyed my relationships, left me sexually underdeveloped, and numbed my pleasure response to real world activities. And that's why I'm here. I'm tackling this one day at a time. And I might fail, but I know that if I keep trying again and again- I will one day succeed. 14 days in here, just about. Its been a year since Ive hit a streak this long. My streaks are progressively getting longer, and my confidence since beginning nofap has been steadily growing. I've transferred to university from my community college (which I actually had a 3.0 in, despite my habits), and I plan on attaining a 4.0 in Uni. With the support of my friends and family who I've made aware of my problem, I plan to destroy this addiction, and climb out of the pit. It'll take me facing my insecurities, but I can do it.

 

I believe it..

I was hooked on VR porn at one point too- and Im deeply concerned for what that sort of thing holds in store in the future.