Hard case of: NoFap Challange accepted (this time with social support, I hope)

Hello community, you are about to face a really complicated case.
Maybe it is going to help to write something down, even if it is anonymous.

Lets get to the facts

Fact 1:

I am a student of physics in germany, this is my second term.
I have a fucking lot of ambitions, but most of the time not enough mental focus and energy to fully achieve something.

Fact 2:

I had a lot of relapses until these days. This urge comes really waywardly.
In a moment of inobservance, which may occur after a few days,
or sometimes after a few weeks, it pulls you back to the old habits.
I can hold back the urge for a few days. But it accumulates really diabolically,
its like getting a boner just by putting on new undershorts.
If that accumulation releases, this may lead to a hardcore faping session, with tremendous headaches afterwards.

You are not going to like what follows now, but I hope you understand.

Fact 3:

Online Pornography is just one out of many options to get a kick. I would say in my case:
Online Pornography was just a trigger of the following.
I am not proud of what I am about to write now. Sometimes, if there is the possibility, I take action and make my own porn. What I mean by that is for example: If I am in a swimming pool, and two aspects come coincidentally together, urge and possiblity, I take my smartphone camera and do records at suitable places, like the changing cabines.
Live and self-made voyeuristic pornography.
That gives me a kick that goes far beyond online pornography.
So I unfortunately found a way to get even more kick than pictures on a screen, made by others, would provide.
Another interesting point is, that I always deleted the videos immediately after I faped on them,
so I had never collected anything, the videos themselves were not important, but the way I got to them.

Believe me or not, I was caught 2 times.
The first time I was able flee.
The second time was face to face. But I was able to delete the videos quickly to avoid punishment. Instead of getting frightened, I developed new techniques to hide better.

Fact 4:

To stop this boundlessly unfolding insolence I simply stopped going to public swimming pools.
I know this development is going to be dangerous, especially not only for me.

Fact 5:

I want to stop it. This is gutless, nutless, timewasting, energywasting, pointless bullcrap.


To some extent my bahavoir may be normal, but the trend is now getting out of control.

I watched some videos of that nofap-guy on youtube, who made a video on : cold shower therapy.
I took that challange for a while, about 2 weeks I put the water to the coldest setting. The first time it was great and promising. After a while it was getting more and more difficult, painful and energy-draining. I stopped it, at least to some extent.
I now only take a quick cold shower at the end, not at the coldest setting.

But I hope you do recognize, that I am already trying different attempts and give me a feed back.

How can I investigate? How can I get feed back? How does this community work? I cant help anyone, because its me who needs help.

 

Thank you very much for your reactions.
You have both mentioned important points.

first of all:

Something has changed with my incitement to approach goals,
since I started these Faping activites a few years ago but
I cant exactly place the events chronologically, cant even say if this is directly related to that.
I remember the days when I was deeply interested in a topic, and was motivated to learn about it, most of the time very exaggerative.

So I know what it feels like to be deeply motivated and determined, for me this has become kind of a measuring stick, or reference value of motivation.
Today this drive has lost some of its quality.
I am not motivated like I was before, tired, bored, sometimes lethargic.
Sometimes there is a glimpse of high motivation.
But there is also a new component, which I would call competition component.
This is also something that probably found its way to my mind through the education system, at least partially, but partially set up by the stupid urge of gaining acceptation and honor.
Very primitive and stupid.

I have a feeling of blackout, I am insensible for that kind of serious inner determination. It feels very cold, my hands are most of the time, even in summer, dead cold. Its like sitting there and only waiting for the death to come, even though I am not sitting all the time, also go the gym, riding moutainbike. But it feels like a superficial amusement, therefore it feels like nothing.