Life as you know it. (NEED SERIOUS HELP)

IWANTABETTERLIFE · Aug 25, 2016

I am in my mid 20's and i am not happy about my addiction. It went from watching porn/masturbating to paying escorts. I first started watching porn when i was around 13/14 years old. I started to increase watching porn as i got older. When i was 18 i had my first relationship and she started to live with me right away. Things went downhill from there. I started to watch porn so much it really wasnt good, i started to need to watch more hardcore porn to a point where i know now that it isnt good to watch at all. The relationship started to fall apart after the abortion. I felt i was in a black hole and i couldnt get out. Every single night before i went to sleep she would remind me that it was my fault. Suddenly she had to move far away to live with her father which was good thing because her family was trying to fix itself. She moved away with a snap of a finger, and i didnt really know what would happen to the relationship. When she did move, i went on craigslist and you know the rest. I told my ex girlfriend a day after on what i did. I told her the truth. I felt ashamed. Things went really bad from there but she was willing to make it work. After two months on trying to make it work, things weren't the same and arguments was increasing. So the relationship ended.

After the relationship ended, i started to watch porn even more and hiring escorts. Not only i was doing that i was going out more getting drunk every single day and trying to hook up with random girls. As i gone out more getting drunk i started to slowly stop watching porn & hiring escorts but still having craving for porn and hiring escorts. My usual nights of going out to bars/clubs i met this girl at the club and started to like her. She eventually becomes my recent gf now. I remember that she caught me once on looking on bp. I am so addicted to watch porn and look up on BP, its fucking disgusting. I still remember that day when she caught me. Things went downhill from there and i really really started to watch porn even more. Things worked out because i told her the truth on how i really didnt call or do anything to the girl that was on BP. but since getting caught looking at BP, things started to spiral downhill as i constantly watched porn. Things got a little better with the relationship but my brain been programmed to watch porn and when i do watch porn i want to do the same thing and so i then want to hire an escort. To keep it real after years of being in the relationship i suddenly increase on going into massage parlors and escorts. It use to be maybe 1 time a year to 3-5 times a the next year and started to increase so much that i am sick on how my life is.

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING STOP EVERYTHING.

I felt that i never dealt with my past and just got drunk to let the pain go away. I never defeated my past addiction and just brought it along with my relationship now. I literally sometimes think of suicide because i have these secrets that im hiding from her.

WHAT I TRULY WANT IS TO BECOME A BETTER FUCKING PERSON.

Ive tried before with my addiction. actually i tried a lot of the times and every time i just fucking fail. Ive hit rock bottom SO MANY TIMES. I would tell myself that i can stop watching porn and stop hiring escorts but i just keep failing. 4 years ago i bought this book to read about porn addiction and literally i felt he was talking about my life. I NEVER FINISHED THE BOOK, i was so scared about how his life was and how it was similar to mine, that i stopped reading the book and took as much advise and said to myself that i can stop on what i am doing and become a better person. NO THAT DID NOT HAPPENED AT ALL. MATTER A FACT MY LIFE HAS BECOME EVEN WORSE AS THE YEARS GO BY. THIS PAIN THAT I CAUSE TO MYSELF AND OTHER HAS TO FUCKING STOP. I CANT EVEN CRY ANYMORE. DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT SOUNDS. I HAVE NO EMOTIONS. - by the way i had an escort today and now i am here.

to be continued...

Icyweb · Aug 25, 2016

Hello, welcome, and thank you for coming hear to this website. You may not recognize it now, but this is the turning point for your life. This is the point where you've decided to look for help, and you will find it here. There is education, accountability partners, and people who have been through the exact same thing as you, and still come through to the other side of things able to live there lives as good men who are proud when they look in the mirror.

I don't have to tell you, this won't be easy. Maybe you will need to get involved with a local group for sex addiction, or even seek therapy for it. That isn't nearly as uncommon as you might think. I've been here on NoFap for a long time, and I still continually fall short. I am improving though, and it's for four big reasons.

I'm learning to forgive myself. You cannot effectively help a person who you hate, so you need to apologize to yourself, and forgive yourself frequently.

I've started to learn from my mistakes. There are things that lead to a relapse. It's important to identify them so that you can avoid them when possible, and be prepared to deal with them when they can't be avoided. The path to failure is a familiar one. When you realize that you're on it, just step off it.

I found an accountability partner. It took me several different people before I found someone who can help me, but now we help keep each other on track. It can be surprisingly helpful to have someone who you have to report relapses to and who you can just share general information with about your life.

I've started to put some more trust in God and work on daily prayer. I know that this is a secular website, and many people on here aren't believers, but this is a major part of my ongoing recovery, and I encourage you to give it a try.

Your lack of emotions may make you feel isolated and inhuman, but you are not alone in that suffering. All of us have gone through that at some point, some of us for much longer than others. It is the result of addiction, an imbalance in your brain chemistry that reduces your ability to feel. You're emotionally exhausted, and you need to recover.

There are some things that you can do to make this easier on yourself. Alcohol seems to be a problem for you, so maybe you should give that up, or at least limit yourself to a strict 2 drink policy. The internet is a big web of temptations and triggers. Make a pros and cons list of your computing devices. Do you really need them? All of them? Do you need to spend that much time on the internet? I've taken "fasts" from the internet, and they are hugely rewarding, and even drastically reduce my desire to view porn. Lastly, next time you have suicidal thoughts, call the suicide hotline. It may seem like suicide is your only option, but you know that it will only hurt those close to you even more. And you don't want to die, you just don't want to live like this anymore. There are better ways of accomplishing that then ending your own life. Hell, if you are really desperate, you could go live in the wilderness for a month. There are easier ways than that though. And the most important thing is to stick to it. Addiction does not occur in a single day, and neither does healing. It takes time, but it can happen to anyone who wants it.

lean black-bean · Aug 25, 2016

No advice, but I really want to wish you luck. It sounds like you've been through a lot but were all here rooting for you. Relationship problems stemming from porn are awful..for me the girls I date are some of the only people I open up to and share myself with, and when I become withdrawn and distant, it creates one of the worst feelings I know. I'm not in your shoes, but I feel you. I hear you. Don't give up!

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Life as you know it. (NEED SERIOUS HELP)

IWANTABETTERLIFE Fapstronaut

Icyweb Fapstronaut

lean black-bean Fapstronaut

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