I am so proud of myself!

I am so proud of you. I recognize all the weak excuses, especially having a slow day but lying to my wife that I'm super stressed instead. A written ultimatum can be very powerful, because he can't interrupt you and make excuses along the way. Packing and leaving could put even more emphasis on your point, but the decision is yours. Either way, I'm rooting for you!

 

I'm proud of you, too. Emotions are flying very high right now. I would give him the chance to read the letter before you make permanent living arrangements.

Porn is the cause of his ED, and so many other things in his life. His looking at it right now, in the wake of a terrible night, is further evidence. However, mainstream culture is deluded about porn. They call it normal, they say nothing bad can happen from it, and they say any woman who complains about it is an unreasonable harpy and is obviously in the wrong. He's suffering from confirmation bias with all of this.

Packed bags and a hotel reservation might underscore your point, you could pester him, making his phone vibrate and spoil his session, or you can scare the shit out of him by texting him one more time with a "you're proving my point" message and just not be there when he comes home. None of these are very mature of me to suggest, but I'm kind of pissed on your behalf right now and not feeling particularly mature.

I need to get off of NoFap today. Already said too much.

 

So, how is it going now @Arkansasdaisy ?

 

I'm not going to "like" on principle. I don't like it. It breaks my heart.

It sounds like you are conflicted or unsure about yourself, but you know what our opinion here is. Your complaining about P is not destroying your relationship. His over use of P is destroying the relationship. It is not immature or childish to ask for respect, or affection. You aren't satisfied with the amount of S you are getting, and that's not typical. He isn't physically able, and that's not normal. I understand his position, but it's wrong. While I think porn was never a great thing, it is definitely not the same as it ever has been before. The unprecedented variety and availability, in concert with the increased social tolerance for porn, has resulted in more obvious problems than ever before. He's in denial and he's blaming you, and that blame is unjustified. You've hit your crisis point but he hasn't found his, and I'm sorry there isn't anything I can do to help.

 

I feel terribly sorry to hear this. If you need any support send me a PM...

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. But you're doing the right thing, don't let him drag you down. Take care of your own needs and happiness now. Don't get on the treadmill to get fit for him, get fit for yourself so you can have more fun when you go out with friends. Addicts are experts on moving the spotlight away from them, but I have to say it again: It's not your fault that he chose porn. It's not your fault that he denies your sincere offer to support him. He's lying to himself and he's accusing you of immature behavior when he's in fact acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum when he doesn't get his precious candy.
I'm still a fan of the "working things out together" approach, but maybe it's time to further withdraw emotionally from him. As long as he hasn't reached rock bottom, he will stay in denial. Be selfish and take care of yourself first. Wishing your all the best!

 

I'm sorry you didn't get the response you were looking for. I will repeat what others have said because it needs to be repeated... HE is destroying the relationship.... PORN is the problem not you.

If you are willing to be patient then there is another outcome that can happen down the road. There is an evolution to addiction. Addiction grows and gets worse. The addict is driven for that ever elusive goal of perfect emotional happiness. An addict will continue to chase it and will become increasingly frustrated and disappointed. They will continue to get more irritable and depressed and desperate. There might start to be physical side effects from the stress he's putting on his body. Then, some reach the end of the road and realize that PMO is not the answer and they wake up on their own.

We all want to get the problem fixed as soon as possible. But sometimes the addict prefers the dream over reality. Once that happens that brings up a whole new bunch of decisions for you to consider. I first told my wife about my addiction 5 years into our marriage... it took 12 more years for me to wake up and finally quit. The choice is yours... I just wanted to give you some small hope that things might be better if you chose to stay.

 

My wife threatened to move out and take our children with her. I knew shew was serious and she wasn't bluffing. My whole world was going to come crashing down unless I started changing that very moment. She said if people would ask why she moved out then she was going to tell the truth. EVERYONE was going to know my secret. That was a horror I couldn't risk. Also, after having this addiction for +25 years I was ready to stop. I was procrastinating making changes. It was my rock-bottom moment. If she made that threat earlier maybe it works or maybe I let her walk away. Maybe by waiting and being patient she got me back. It takes a special person to wait that long. Some people are just not ready yet... I was lucky enough that I WAS ready.

 

I too, waited it out. I've been with my husband 12 years, and found out about his addiction 5 years in. Now my husband is actually changing and healing and I am too. It's amazing and wonderful. Having said that, I still wonder sometimes why I stayed as long as I did. And my situation has not been as bad as you describe.

As has been said, you are not in the wrong here. The problem is porn, not you. Perhaps it could help you to read the book, the addictive personality. It helps explain why the addict will do anything to protect his or her addiction, depending on the stage it has progressed to. I'm so very sorry the outcome was not what you hoped for and deserve.

You have several options.

1. You could simply go on as you are, hoping for change and begging for scraps of affection and intimacy. That's what I did. It was awful.
2. You could remain there but move into another bedroom and make it clear this is a separation. No sex.
3. If you don't have a job currently (you said housewife) I'd advise you to get one and start saving money so you can be more financially stable.
4. Is there family you could go visit/stay with for several weeks or longer? I'd tell him the reason you're going is for a trial separation and to think things over.

Here are some resources you may find helpful.


http://www.covenanteyes.com/2011/11/14/7-questions-wives-of-porn-addicts-often-ask-part-1-of-3/
The above is a three part series and I encourage you to read them all, but especially part three.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened. My heart hurts for you.

 

Good girl! I'm really really really proud of you for leaving. That's so difficult to do, but personally I think it's the only choice that has a chance of helping. I know I haven't commented on here yet... most people have kind of been saying anything I would have said anyway. But I just wanted to reassure you that, at least in my opinion, you did the right thing. Call up a friend or family member or something. I'm sure anyone close to you would be willing to listen and support you in this time.

 

I'm terribly sorry you have to deal with this enormous amount of pain but you deserve better than this! If you tolerate porn now what will you have to tolerate in future? Can you imagine how far may this addiction go? Don't ruin your life, stay strong and you will build happier better life with a person who truly loves you and cares about you.

 

I can only guess how desperate you must feel right now, and I'm so sorry. But don't be sad and, more importantly, don't ever regret your decision. Me liking your post was in acknowledgement of your strength. There is no right or wrong in your situation, and if you simply couldn't stand him any more, you had all the right to leave. He's doing whatever he wants in regard to P, you can do whatever you want. You might fear that your relationship or even your whole world is crumbling apart, but this could very well be the beginning of something wonderful if you're smart about it. You're on the best way towards creating this rock bottom moment for him, and even if he never wakes up from his porn-coma, this is a good practice of standing up for yourself and being consequent. I am so proud of you!
Always keep in mind how his addicted brain skews his perspective, even now. He's convinced that he's right and you're wrong, that P is not a big deal, let alone a problem, and that your current actions are completely irrational, probably because you're prude or crazy or both. It might bother him to some extent that you left, but now that you're gone, he will probably be on a PMO rampage to soothe his mind, knowing that you will be back soon and everything will be as before. In his mind, you have simply no choice other than allegedly accepting his PMO habit, if you like it or not.
My advice would be to not let that happen. You may have second thoughts about your decision of leaving, but never ever show him that. Do whatever it takes to show him that you're happier without him, even if you're still mostly inclined to get him out of the addiction. Even if you're not happier without him. I know, that is a lot to ask for, but no matter the outcome of all this, it serves a crucial purpose. It will allow you to break out of the abusive tendency of your relationship. He had full control over you as long as you accepted his PMO habit out of necessity for being intimate with him. This is the point where you should completely deny sex, no excuses, no exceptions. This is also the point where you should become completely indifferent about the amount and frequency of his P usage. Make it clear that you simply don't care anymore, and never check his mobile usage or browser history again. Make it clear that he crossed a line and that things will never be the same as before. Don't let him silver-tongue you into old habits, don't buy into his lip services any more.
I may sound like a broken record, but you have to take care of yourself first now. Pamper yourself, I dearly hope that you packed your credit card to enjoy a day at the spa or something similar. I can't advise you whether to stay or break up with him, but no matter which direction you want to go, you need a lot of strength for it. Don't renegotiate anything because there's no need to, you made your point clear and put him on the spot. Don't hide in your hotel room all day, do something for yourself, get your spark back. Everything you do for yourself now will either make him reach rock bottom sooner or make it easier for you to break up with him.
I'm still rooting for you, and wishing you all the best! You go, girl!

 

I would slightly amend this to, "Do whatever it takes to show you're happier without his addiction." It seems like you do love him when h isn't using, and it is easy for an addict to accept the addiction as part of his identity. He isn't at that point yet, but he could get there, maybe.

Wish I could help you somehow, but I'm way up in MO and post operation, I can't even help my little girl make a peanut butter sandwich

 

Good point, I totally agree. But either way, you did the right thing by standing up for yourself, now make it count, with a vengeance.

 

Very few women have the courage to actually go through with moving out. You are a STRONG woman! We're all proud of you for taking a stand for wanting something better. Hopefully he understands that his behavior is what you are rejecting and not the person himself. Either way, he cannot ignore this bold move that you took. I hope he is doing some deep soul-searching right now.

As was mentioned, don't allow him to manipulate you into moving back while he thinks about what to do. An addict in free-fall desperately wants to regain what he just lost. An addict in this condition will say or do anything and make any promise to get you back. He must show he is taking concrete steps towards a serious recovery. Right now you hold the power. You might feel very alone right now but you have a WHOLE community of real people behind you.