I'm not the man I should be!

Hello everyone. My name is Scott and I'm a chronic PMO addict. They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, well I've admitted it to myself for years I've just never had the willpower to break the cycle. As many of you probably have experienced, it's difficult and potentially embarrassing to openly admit, even to a professional therapist, that you can't stop pleasuring yourself and using porn all the time.

I am a 42 year old male. I've been very happily married to a beautiful, loving and supportive woman for 13 years but we've been together for 19 total. We have two beautiful children, 9 and 6. She is aware that I masturbate and use porn and she's been very accepting of that. If she knew just how often I use it, she wouldn't be quite so accepting, she figures it's just "what guys do".

I masturbate on a daily basis, sometimes twice a day and it's always while viewing some kind of pornography. I'm usually home alone for 4 hours in the morning every day after my wife leaves for work and takes our kids to school. I've woken up nearly every morning, determined that "I'm not going to masturbate today" and for a while, I feel like it's going to stick, but as soon as I'm alone, it's like some damn pavlovian response and almost without even thinking about it, I'm on the computer surfing porn and doing what I do.

I've made myself late for work more times than I can count. My boss has had to call me out on my frequent tardiness several times. The fact that i'm putting my job at risk to masturbate frightens me.

As I've read material both here and other sites, I've found that all of the descriptions describe me to a 'T'. Chronic fatigue, lack of interest in my favorite activities, procrastination, lack of motivation, depression, lack of self-worth, and even erectile dysfunction.

The need for variety keeps growing stronger all the time. I've done things in order to get that "rush" that I'm ashamed of. I'm a straight male but i've been in chatrooms discussing doing things with other men that I would never dream of doing in real life. I've also indulged in fantasies about my wife with men I've met online, to the point where I've shared nude photographs of her. Photographs that my wife allowed me to take in confidence for me and me alone to enjoy. Having no clue that dozens of men have now seen her naked and probably masturbated to her repeatedly. I can only imagine what the revelation of this betrayal of trust would do to our marriage. Not to say what would happen if somehow one of her colleagues or our friends happened to see her photos online.

She did once discover that I had been indulging in the use of internet webcam sites to masturbate while I watched and was watched by women on the other end. She considered this tantamount to infidelity and for the first, and I pray only time, I genuinely feared our marriage would end. I got better for a while but I relapsed into the "exotic" forms of stimulation again. I didn't quit, I just got better at hiding it.

I don't like what I've become. I know I'm a better man than this but I haven't felt like a "good" man in a very very long time. I want to feel like the man my wife deserves. We have a good sex life but it could be so much better. I want us to achieve a normal, healthy, happy sex life again. "Hard Mode" isn't an option, I think. In fact, if I can try to focus more on my sexual health with my wife, it might go a long way toward helping me out of this cycle of PMO.

I've tried abstaining before, but so far my own personal record has been about 3 days. After that I get irritable, edgy, sleepless and I need release. This isn't just an addiction, this is self-destructive behavior and it needs to stop.

What I need is a structured system where I can track my progress, and it seems NoFap may be the answer to my prayers. I'm going to start by setting a 7-day goal. I'm going to use all the willpower I can muster to reach that goal. Knowing that there are others, who are going through the same ordeal, tracking me, might be just what I need. I hope it is.

I hope by immersing myself in this community I'll get the fortitude that i've been missing. I'm more than happy to offer whatever support I can to you as well. Perhaps we can all help each other. Wish me luck! - Scott

P.S. I don't normally quote biblical passages, but this one sums me up perfectly:

Romans 7:15 - I don't know what I'm doing, because I don't do what I want to do. Instead, I do the thing that I hate.

 

I very much appreciate the encouragement! I haven't gone a full 24 hours yet since my last PMO but I did get through my usual window of time today when I normally would without an issue.

 

I've done the exact same thing. Forgetting to clear my history, leaving a stray pic on my desktop. My wife was generally accepting of my porn use thinking it was just a casual "guy" thing. She'd just roll her eyes and we'd move on. However, when she opened a browser on my computer and found a saved chat history of mine with a girl I'd been webcamming with, she came thisclose to kicking me out of the house. That's the day she (and I) really realized that I had a problem.

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I'll send some your way as well.