Ready to heal.

I'm 35 years old, successfully self employed, live an enjoyable, eventful life and would appear to others as having my shit together. But I fap, constantly. I have, had, an amazing girlfriend who I love to bits. We took a break about a year ago and I met someone else. This someone else was very erotic in and out of the bed. I cut all ties to her until recently when I began receiving graphic texts and movies of her. She would say my name while doing dirty things and it would get me very arroused. Ironically, these provocative texts would come while I was watching porn. It was like having a personalized porn star at my disposal. I recently started hanging out with my ex again who I love to bits. Unfortunately the provocative texts from the other girl kept coming. I would encourage them my responding with provocative texts. It became more and more frequent. My ex and I had a dispute and when the opportunity came to sleep with the the provocative girl came, I took it, knowing it was a bad choice. The deed felt horrible, but masterbsting while the provocative girl sent texts didn't feel as bad. So I continued while I was seeing my ex. Well, my ex found out. And it destroyed her. And it distroyed me. I love this woman to peaces and I've just destroyed her heart. My heart is in such shambles that I am convinced this is my rock bottom that has been haunting me since I was 16. I've always had a problem with porn or masterbsting. It's been a daily thing for me with the exception of 18 days in boot camp when I was 18 years old. Actually that's not true, I went 21 days after a major injury. Pain pills help with the urges cause they don't even let you get hard. So that's kind of cheating in my opinion.
THis problem has haunted me my entire adulthood and I always knew it would bite me in the ass. Well, here it is biting me in the ass. I'm on day two of fap free based purely off the pain I have caused my ex girlfriend. I know without a doubt those strong urges will be back and I will be tempted. I don't want this problem to continue. I will be going back to my personal counselor for help, finding a local sponsor, and seeking help from this site for hand on experience and guidance. I single handedly fucked up a beautiful life to be had and am ready for help. Thank you for listening. Comment freely.

 

I got a sponsor.

 

thank you.

 

I found a local group that meets twice a week. I missed the class today, found out about it as it was ending. Then the guy said they are not meeting this Friday, cause they are having a weekend retreat at a nearby lake. I think I'm just going to go for the entire weekend. I need this, it would be stupid not to go.
If anyone wants to hold me accountable to going to this retreat this weekend, I'm accepting all help.