Trying to understand.

Don't take it personally when it comes to him being addicted to porn I know that may be difficult. Read up on people who are addicted to pmo and see that it's not even about what they see it's just about the dopamine rush. It's like a drug I'm afraid and the reason your boyfriend keeps looking at porn is because his brain is wanting that dopamine rush.

Porn is a horrible thing to be addicted to as it not only affects the viewer but the people he loves, I recommend you showing him NoFap and help be supportive of him. Educating yourselves on the reasons of porn addictions and also how to prevent watching porn can be very useful and you can find info on here and on yourbrainonporn.com. Hope everything works out well with you too.

 

There's a lot to say about this, but I'll just say that it is usually a compulsion, rather than a rational decision that draws someone in. And it is such a gradual cycle, that one becomes so used to, that it may be easy to justify, and hard to make the realization that you've gotten in to deep. It definitely would be a huge benefit to both of you to get him to deal with this. The tough part is how to to it. I know for me, at a certain time, I may have rejected certain kinds of intervention. It takes the right approach to make it click with someone. A desperate plea may not get you anywhere, but if you can find a way help your partner make this conclusion for themselves, then they will be motivated to change. For me, it was realizing the damage it was causing to my health, and recognizing that the patterns I was going through (getting into increasingly weird, and more extreme genres) were indicative of and common with an addiction, and I was able to suddenly see my fetishes as false and ridiculous. I think learning about it here on this forum clicked a lot better than if a sex addiction therapist had confronted me about it. I guess being from the google generation, the vibe of this place was unthreatening, and everything clicked in a way that it never has before. What makes your partner tick, and how can you plant the seed?

 

Agree a good way to start understanding if not accepting is to read up about YBOP.
GL

 

It's a very difficult thing to love a PMO addict. There are lots of us SOs that understand. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll invite you to our private group for SOs.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Trying to understand an addiction is like trying to understand crazy. It just doesn't make sense. I'll try to describe what is going on in the mind of most addicts.

All addictions (drugs, alcohol, compulsive eating/shopping/gambling) have something in common. Addicts try to alter, medicate, numb, or escape negative emotions. The core problem is an EMOTIONAL issue, not a sexual one. It could be something as simple as boredom, as severe as childhood trauma, or masking something medically wrong like depression or anxiety. A teenage boy discovers porn and enjoys the sensations he creates within himself and returns because of the curiosity and excitement. Behind the scenes the brain is learning ways to make itself feel better when it feels bad. The brain stops learning healthy ways to cope with negative emotions and returns to PMO (porn, masturbation, and orgasm) because it is a VERY effective way to feel better. An addict uses his own brain chemicals to give himself a 'high'. There is also the brain chemical dopamine that creates a sensation of excitement. And there are brain chemicals similar to opioids that create a calm feeling when he climaxes. Instead of using external drugs to alter his mood, he is using natural drugs to alter his mood.

Over time an addict's body develops a tolerance. The addict then needs to escalate in order to get the same results. They can use porn more frequently, use harder or more novel forms of porn, or try to bring there secret habit into the real world. They will often choose fake women on the internet over real life women because it's easier to (not) interact with a picture. They can also reliably and consistently block out discomfort with porn while a real life interaction may not always produce the same effect. Instead of turning to true sources of comfort they turn more deeply to their addiction... that is the disease part of the equation... it is illogical and irrational and very hard for a non-addict to understand.

The addict also uses a 'trance' or 'auto-pilot' mode while consuming their addiction. The brain knows how to block out pain in order to get a job done. A worker will go into this mode... work really hard... and then when the job is done realize that they got a few bruises or a few cuts or realize how sweaty they are. An addict exploits this by shutting off parts of their brain related to their conscience and decision making. There is no pain while in the trance. There is no judging in the trance. There is only blissful ignorance while in the trance. Addicts believe that if they can stay in the trance then they can perfectly control their feelings. It is an illusion of happiness. That is why an addict can binge for hours on porn... they are chasing and maintaining an artificial form of happiness.

An addict can say it's not about you... it's about me and my pain and how I medicate myself. A spouse feels exactly the opposite... they feel unloved, unattractive, rejected, and betrayed. Porn kills intimacy and that eventually destroys the relationship. The addiction occupies the primary relationship position and the SO comes in a distant second.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I know it hurts. I hope some of these answers bring some understanding and comfort. With this information I hope you can move forward with what to do next.

 

#1. Many cultures accept porn. They say there's nothing wrong with it, everyone uses it, and women who don't accept that are being unrealistic and unreasonable.
We know different. There's a lot wrong with it, especially in the strength and unlimited volume available for free on the internet. Not all men use it, or have to use it. Women who don't accept porn are just trying to have the same kind of intimate relationship widely available to previous generations. The internet is one of the primary components to a very real technological revolution, and the foundations of culture and how we relate to one another have been shaken. We need to accept that.

#2. Addicts use it to deal with negative emotion. Healthy people use their sexuality to cultivate strong, healthy, fun relationships with their SOs. Greater culture encourages us to use it strictly as recreation, and addicts push it into the realm of self medication. It has nothing to do with you. You can't be sexy, available, adventurous or skilled enough to compete with porn, because it's not even playing the same game. If you try to use these to distract him from the porn, you'll just become part of the porn and reinforce the addiction. It's counter intuitive, but I've experienced it myself and seen it play out in other relationships. He has to want reality and love and commitment more than fantasy and lust and variety. Addicts often feel like they can have it all, so they don't have to make a choice.

#3. Porn is emotional Novocaine. He probably can't appreciate how it makes you feel, because his ability to empathize is compromised. This is the biggest misunderstanding, in my opinion, about porn. Many, many men are addicted to porn from puberty, so they have no idea what it is to be a normally feeling adult. They don't even know that they aren't normal.

#4. Your addict may have noticed some of these symptoms, but does not want to ascribe them to porn. Maybe he can be persuaded, but I wouldn't count on it.

#5. Addicts will suck the life out of you like a vampire, and give nothing back. Stick around as long as you think there's a chance to pull him out, but if he refuses, know that it won't ever get better while he uses porn.

Also, ditto with everything @i_wanna_get_better1 said.

 

To add to what @Meshuga and @i_wanna_get_better1 wrote: porn is quick, easily-accessible, addictive fantasy. It's a way to get a near-instant, continuous flow of dopamine to the brain. Like gambling, or drinking, or drugs for other people - that's what porn is to an addict.

The compulsion has nothing to do with you at all. You need to understand this - you can be the "hottest" woman in the world, and porn would still be used. An addict minimizes the impact of their actions. A drunk will say "everyone's doing it", "my family's over-reacting", and so on. Anything to keep that flow of dopamine going to the brain! Chances are good that he's using one of the Tried And Trusted Excuses, like "men have needs" or "she should just ignore it". Like a rat in a cage being fed cocaine, anything goes as long as the drug keeps coming...