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Every Relapse Lets Me Grow and I am Standing So Fucking Tall Right Now

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by seth, Sep 4, 2016.

  1. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    I started this journey in February 2014 and got a 87 day streak right off the bat without porn, masturbating, or sex. I really thought it was going to be easy, and that I had this addiction in the bag, because I got off to such a great start. But I retrospectively realized that I was cheating ridiculously with P-subs. I didn't know how bad p-subs were then, so I learned from that.

    And here I am several long streaks later, and still doing the same PMO behaviors. I learned a lot of things. I learned that I have to make the journey as personal as possible (i.e. come up with personal reasons for quitting). I learned that in my experience, I do not feel guilty after a reset, so I have to find another reason to fight an urge. I learned that there's a "I don't give a shit" feeling that a lot of us feel around day 40, which can lead to relapse. I learned that it always may feel like a bit of a struggle.

    And with all of this, I started the 2016 year motivated as hell to make it through 2016 without P, M, or O. The thing that kept me going for so long was that I came up with a very personal reason for quitting. I realied that when I PMO, I don't feel anything negative. However, I always ALWAYS go back to PMOing everyday and I ALWAYS feel unhappy when I PMO everyday.

    And this was super motivating. When I had an urge, I realized that PMO wouldn't ruin my day, but it would ruin my day in a few weeks from that point. When faced with urges, I was thinking of my future happiness that would inevitably diminish. And that sustained me for about 5 months.

    ~~~

    And then I PMO'd because I had been slightly cheating with p-subs. I watched porn for a few days, and then STOPPED. I made it another two weeks PMO free and that gave me the confidence that I don't need to completely relapse before starting a new streak.

    But slowly the 2 weeks in between PMO, became 1 week, which became 3 days, which became 2 hours...

    It was right around this time, that I started an intensive 6-week program for work, and that ate up all of my time. I didn't PMO during those 6 weeks, nor did I have the time to. Of course I credited that PMO free streak to a newfound motivation, but in reality it was just a consequence of being busy. After that summer program, I picked up right where I left off.

    ~~~

    In the past, whenever I know I'm going to start a new streak, I usually wait till I PMO two (or maybe even three) times in one day. That's for a few reasons. I feel so much like shit, that it gets me motivated to quit for good. It also makes the first few days easy, because it's easier to resist urges when your dick fucking hurts.

    So, yesterday I PMO'd twice and it fucking killed my day. Didn't do anything I needed to do, rejected an invitation to social thing ("not up to it"). Took two naps, even though I was well rested. So, yes, I'm ready to try again. But I start this streak with a new thought process.

    Every time I start a new streak, I cite several reasons for quitting: I don't want to objectify women. I don't want to have to be scared of other ppl using my cpu. I don't want to ever get ED or DE. I don't want to escape life, I want to live it. I want to be happy.

    And in my last streak (which I journaled here) I cited happiness as the big reason for quitting. But when fighting an urge, especially the "IDGAF" urges around the 4th and 5th month, I don't care about my happiness. When I've got a major porn urge, I am just thinking about that and not about my fucking happiness. "Sure! I'd rather sacrifice my future happiness for a few days to satisfy this humongous fucking urge!"

    ~~~

    I have a new approach this time. Instead of visualizing my happiness, I'm going to visualize success. What is success to me?

    Success to me is: wealth of friendships, having control and organization in my daily life, continuously growing, working towards something that matters, and long term happiness.

    And what do all of those things require? Think about it! Seriously, think about it. What is one thing you need to have to pursue those things? Sure, there are several. A growth mindset, a positive attitude, etc. But what if we strip those things to something very fundamental? What do we need in our lives to be productive, happy, and successful?

    We need fucking ENERGY!

    And PMO depletes so much energy. Without energy to do anything, we cannot have a day that is destined towards success. And what I learned from The Slight Edge is that you are either on a path that is failing or succeeding. A day depleted of energy is a day towards failure.

    When I get urges in the future, I'm going to think: "Fuck yeah! I got all this extra (sexual) ENERGY! I'm going to do something productive with this free energy I have!"

    And with that... here we GO!

    (Shoutout to my friends for reaching out to me when I needed it @ned123 @Machin @SnowWhite )
     
  2. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    A few times today I thought of MOing. Also, when watching a tv show, there were a few times I instinctively hoped for some nudity.

    With the MO urges, I immediately felt thankful for this extra energy, and pictured MOing as a depletion of that wonderful energy.
    With the tv show, I immediately reminded myself that I will get nothing out of that.

    One day in the right step.
     
    tryHARDJ3H and JonTableau like this.
  3. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    That's another great proof that PMO is only a way to fill up unused time. Or simply a way to waste our time.
    In fact, if we are actually using our precious life time, then PMO is out of question.

    Also, its a good idea to commit to ourselves, and the commitments to ourselves should be of the same strength as if we commit to another person.
    Then we can truly be alone and truly pursuit our very own and personal ideas.
     
  4. Machin

    Machin Fapstronaut

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    Glad to have you back on track, my friend.

    I haven't been posting here for quite a time.
    In fact, I discovered something two weeks ago, and I'm still trying to think it through.
    I told before that I wanted to grow, that the fight against porn will never end.

    But I stumbled across a post on another forum, and that post shook me.

    In essence there are two main points in it :
    - plants and kids grow, not men
    - this fight will end, and if it hasn't ended yet, it only means I'm not an adult

    And truth is, I haven't had urges to PMO in more than a month.
    Probably because my life is more rich : I spent the last month doing many things, I traveled to Scotland, and I'm leaving tomorrow for a trip in Ireland.

    PMO is only here to fill an emptiness, but I've learned to not have much emptiness in my life. And when I have some time, I don't even think about PMO any more.

    You can do it.
     
  5. ned123

    ned123 Fapstronaut

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    Glad to see you back Sethstar :)

    It's a journey man - we're all trying to find our way! Keep it real bro
     
  6. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Yes, in fact that means the underlying root is not eally handled. Something is hindering you from doing the things you really want, there are subconscious doubts, fears and other beliefs, and these are stopping you. And instead, you "substitute".

    I found that the way out is possible, but it means a fundamental change in life.
    Find out what you really want, stand to it, and commit to yourself.
    Therefore, writing a journal is one good step. The idea of the journal is mainly that it helps you to commit to yourself.
    You should not write for getting praise from others, it's more a kind of check for yourself.

    Another important step is to change your life style. Your daily activities. Start doing sports every day. Learn something new. Meditate. Meet friends. All these things mean a change in your daily routine. It menas an overall change of your attitude towards life.
    Are you someone who is cleaning daily your apartment, or are you always waiting until dirt is piling up? Very similar we are handling our inner soul.

    But you can change that. Begin somewhere. It takes a while, but then you get used to it and then you have really changed yourself.
     
    vibemaker and ned123 like this.
  7. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    I've been so happy yesterday and today. And I actually didn't realize why. I credited it to my biking and eating better, but what am I thinking lol! I'm biking and eat the same. I'm happy because I don't have this negative force in my life (recently). But seriously, lots of positive fucking energy. I'm throwing a party tomorrow, so that'll be fun shit with all my positive energy brewing.

    @Machin I'm thrown off by your statement that men don't grow, because a vision I have for myself is to keep growing. Would you be willing to share a link to what you read? And I'm so happy to hear that you haven't been thinking about porn in a while. That's the dream for all of us mate

    @ned123 Ned you're the best - I appreciate your enthusiasm and support!

    @SnowWhite You're absolutely right about finding some fundamental changes. Something I've always wanted to do is have a great morning routine. And I've actually designed what it's going to look like. I ordered a pull-up bar. Every day I'm going to do some 15 minute workout (need to research the best workout) and do 15 minutes of duolingo (program that is helping me learn spanish).

    I've also been drinking over a gallon of water everyday! It's fantastic! And it's not fucking hard at all. I just bought a 48 oz nalgene bottle and I go through it pretty quickly. Two and a half bottles, i drank a gallon.

    I also @ned123! I also stopped washing myself ridiculously - as per your suggestion. No need to shampoo everyday nor do we really need to lather our entire bodies with soap - just clean the important areas everyday and shampoo twice a month. It's been great man!

    Also work is going great. Had a great positive day (with the kids, I'm a teacher). So much greatness comes from positive energy! And PMO takes is all away!

    Deuces
     
    ned123 and SnowWhite like this.
  8. Machin

    Machin Fapstronaut

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    Here is the link.
    If you can't read it, just tell me.
    Maybe it won't hit home with you : it did in my case and it was exactly what I needed to read then.
    I'll be moving forward in a one or two months, a couple of things to sort out until then.

    Keep going.
     
  9. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    What an interesting night.

    I hosted a party and it was absolutely fantastic. I MO'd the day before just on the off chance I might get laid. What was interesting, is that I really didn't want to MO. I saw it as unnecessary draining of energy. But I did that because I wanted to last more than 10 seconds on the small chance that something happened.

    Anyway, the party was perfect. Great friends, great turnout, and everyone was having a great time. Towards the end of the party, when there were only 8 of us left or so, we all kind of left the house and went separate ways to walk around the neighborhood. I happened to be walking with and talking to one female friend of mine. Somehow I brought up the topic of what ethnicity boys she has dated in the past. I wasn't hitting on her, nor did I have in my mind pursuing her. I find her attractive, but I wouldn't be interested in dating her (because of her personality). However, I enjoy her as a friend. I also see her as somewhat innocent, so that's why pursuing her wasn't on my mind.

    And in response to my question about what ethnicity she has dated, she asked "why are you asking me? Do you like me?" And that really threw me off guard. Because I could suddenly sense that she felt I was hitting on her, and that very likely she was interested in me too.

    Interesting...

    So it got a little bit awkward, but I told her I found her attractive. And we headed back to my house (she was going to crash there on the couch with two other friends). A block away, we're kinda getting more touchy, and then I looked at her closely and said, "i want to kiss you". And we kissed.

    When we headed back to the house, she said she needed a sleeping bag and I said, no worries, I have one in my room (lol the truth!). We end up sitting on my bed, kissing some more, and it gets more intense.

    Sidetrack: I went on a date with her close friend (several months ago) and that friend was sleeping downstairs on the couch. And the girl on my bed felt really guilty for kissing me when I went on a date with her friend who was downstairs!

    But maybe an hour later, of kissing and shit, we have sex.

    So, three things on my mind. And two of them are stressing me the fuck out.
    1) I finally get what it means when ppl say sex with someone you connect with is so much better. It's just better when you really can connect with the person. Part of me felt bullshitty. I'm not attracted to her personality, but I didn't lie about it. I told her she's beautiful, which in her mind, translated to mutual attraction. But I kind of was going through the motions of just getting laid, without being an asshole about it. Like for instance, I'm very very big on consent, and while she's debating whether to have sex with me, I'm telling her I'm 100% all about consent, and I'm not going to force anything whatsoever. However, I'm being kind of full of shit because when I can tell she was uneasy about having sex, I just kept kissing her or giving head (knowing that'll more likely change her mind).

    2) Two things are stressing me the fuck out. Firstly, she stopped by today to pick up things that she accidentally left here. And while we're talking, she comes up behind me and gives a big hug, but like in an awkward "WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW!" kind of hug. And I hug her back and walk her to the door, but she turns and faces me and gives me a kiss. Not good bro. She likes me. She wants a relationship. I don't. She's got the wrong idea. FUCKk

    3) The other thing: when we had sex, I came inside of her, and when I pulled my dick out, the condom stayed inside her. I pulled the condom out of her vagina immediately, and she did not notice. I'm 99% sure she's not on birth protection. I'm pretty sure this won't turn into a pregnancy, but it's making me fucking nervous, because I don't know if there's a possibility of her getting pregnant. And I don't know if she's pro-choice or pro-life, but this is not what I want to happen.... I could get plan B, but I don't want to have that conversation with her, because fuckkkkk. But is that ridiculous of me?

    Fuck man... I'm not happy right now. And I need some advice.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2016
  10. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Schopenhauer: "It's the act by which the will-to-live affirms itself [...] A peculiar sadness and remorse follows close on it."

    Welcome to the cycle of life, seth ;)
     
  11. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    lol @SnowWhite

    Well I talked to her and she was totally fine with being friends and did not seem disappointed that I did not want to go into a relationship with her. I also talked to a close female friend about the condom coming off issue, and when I gave her more explicit details, she was like, "Seth, you're totally fine - don't sweat it." So I'm all better now.
     
  12. Machin

    Machin Fapstronaut

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    Let me say how I see this : If you hadn't MO'ed just before, you would have lasted 10 seconds, thus she wouldn't have wanted a relationship !
    Next time, don't MO ! ;)
     
  13. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    @Machin Whaaat? That's terrible logic lol. What if I did want a relationship with her? What if I really like the next girl? I can't justify anything if it's going be embarrassing in bed (unless it's with someone I'm already in a relationship with).
     
  14. Machin

    Machin Fapstronaut

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    Then tell me : are going to MO all your life in order to last the "right time", and do it before each party ?
    It would be better to find a good way to last long enough without MO with someone that may not be someone you'll get attached to now, than it is to do it once you've found someone you want to spend years and have kids with.

    I can relate to what you feel, because since I stopped PMO, I don't last very long. It can be a bit of an embarrassment, and I wish now I had done it much earlier...
     
  15. blanchot

    blanchot Fapstronaut

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    Hi Seth,

    I find I'm in a similar situation as you.

    I quit porn sometime back in June the first time, principally because it was affecting my sex performance (I have DE, mostly/partly porn-induced). I went on an 80+ day nofap streak and started to think, wow, this is pretty straightforward, what's all the fuss about? Then I had a bout of illness which, combined with a heavy workload, affected my resistance. I was low, stressed out, so I relapsed.

    Let me point out here the 'illness' was a sex disease, gonorrhea to be precise; in order to ween myself off porn I'd got into the weekly habit of calling up escorts, 'practice' I called it, in order to defeat the DE problem...so I contracted gonorrhea (which is horrible by the way) and after treatment was left feeling hollowed out, a shadow of the man who'd been feeling so confident - though misplaced - for much of that nofap streak. All self-respect gone.

    Now every two or three days I'm back at the computer, searching for those old videos, the favourite scenes, favourite girls...and some new ones. Like you, I feel no guilt at the time. It is, as you say, a few days later when the feelings of, for me, inadequacy kick in and I realise I'm not living the life I want. The worst was yesterday, the day after going on a date with a really great girl I want to see again. After relapsing it was like a kick in the face later on.

    The problem seems to be that my original motivation for NoFap was worry over my sexual health. In time, that anxiety has dissipated and I feel confident that next time I'm with a girl the DE won't overpower me - whether I cum or not, the focus will be on enjoyment both for her and me.

    So, what am I doing this for? Here I am, back again, checking in, resetting the counter.

    I've said to myself: no escorts, no porn. No touching.

    But why?

    I think the key might be as you put it: make it personal. Think long-term, play the long game. Just check in every day and ask yourself: how are you doing? If the answer is a negative one then something is still not working.
    Self-respect is crucial. If I'm not being honest with myself then how can I expect to have an honest relationship with anyone?

    Hope all's going well with you and everyone else xx
     
    vibemaker likes this.
  16. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    @Machin i think it's hard to practice lasting longer (when we are not MOing) unless we're having consistent sex. And that's not gonna happen unless I'm in a relationship. If in a relationship, then, no, I'm not going to MO before everytime we have sex. But otherwise, I'm going to have to disagree. The benefits of lasting longer (by a lot!) completely outweigh the downside of MOing once in a blue moon.

    @blanchot I'm glad someone feels the same way - regarding the lack of guilt when relapsing. And I'm glad you found some inspiration in my writing. Make NoFap as personal of a journey as possible!

    ==

    On a separate note, I've been too busy to have urges, so it's been good so far. I really considered MOing yesterday morning, but then I realized what I committed to myself earlier: "This extra sexual energy is a gift! Energy is what makes life, LIFE. Today is going to be fantastic with this extra energy." It was surprisingly motivating to not PMO.
     
    blanchot likes this.
  17. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    So it's been a month since I've been on NoFap and I totally reset. My mind's in the right place, I just haven't prepared myself the way I have in the past. I used to prepare so hard (with the counters, the p-blockers, the daily nofap logging, etc) but I hadn't made NoFap personal yet. Now I have the right mindset, and I have made my reason for quitting very real, but I haven't PREPARED.

    I probably have PMO'd 10 times in the last month, which isn't excessive, but it's definitely a habit. I'm waaay to busy to be PMO'ing regularly, but every time I have a free moment or a free house to myself, I end up PMOing.

    So here we go.
    I'm going to get k9, and get a good friend to link it to her e-mail, so I can't disable it easily.
    This is the big one: sometime this week, I'm going to tell my roommate about this. And what's more, is I'm going to tell her that anytime my door is closed, it's because I'm watching porn (which is the truth - I never close my door otherwise).
    I think that's a good start...
     
    ned123 likes this.
  18. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    Solid start so far, but I've been too busy to think about PMO. The real challenge will be when I have the time and empty house to do so.
     
  19. seth

    seth Fapstronaut

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    Would you look at that, I already made it about 4 days without PMO! Small wins for the win! It's been relatively easy, since I have had a lot of time, with some minor urges that were easy to shut down and dismiss.

    I'm home alone, so that made MOing a bit tempting, but I remember a few things I have said already:
    - this is is a blessing to have extra (sexual) energy! Let me use it to improve my life in some way! ENERGY is what drives life
    - I keep hearing about replacing one bad habit with a good habit. I'm thinking of watching a specific youtube series about doing magic tricks, whenever I have a craving. I don't care about magic nearly enough to commit any serious time to it, but it's sort of a guilty pleasure of mine. Why not just make that the semi-productive thing that I'll do when I have a serious craving? That way, I can actually see the benefits of not PMOing - tangible results from the time I would have otherwise wasted.
    I'll see how it goes.
     
  20. Happyguy

    Happyguy Fapstronaut

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    Wow there are still urges after 4-5 month. I agree, I always tried do something productive in my life work out, socialize (friends). But each time I PMOed all these dreams deminished because I did not have any Energy to use. I feel so depleted all the time. That's the right attitude, how can you ever live to the fullest if there is no energy left.

    Keep going, I'm just at the beginning here. Only recently have I discovered that my P use was the problem. Now hopefully I will be on my road to recovery.

    Wish you all a great evening
     
    seth and ned123 like this.

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