Toppling the Pyramid of Fear (Social Anxiety Challenge)

Conversation
4. Ask 10 people for their opinion on something

I felt very nervous this morning to start this challenge and could barely eat anything for breakfast. I spent most of my bus journey into town working out how I was going to do this mission- I think from now on I need to try be more specific so that I know how exactly I'm going to tackle each challenge otherwise it just makes it harder.

Anyway, I did most of my approaches in stores asking employees random questions. I went into a bookstore and asked the lady there whether she thinks it's best to read the books befre watching the movies and had an interesting little chat with her about it. A lot of people didn't stick around too much when I asked them questions, maybe because I seemed to come out of the blue most times. I asked this one guy whether he thought the bus would be on time and he just mumbled something ineligible- I guess some people are just downright miserable, but I'm learning to deal with these type of people now.

Anxiety Level: 49- I didn't feel too bad, I mainly approahced store people or those sitting down, mainly out of ease- stopping someone in the street and asking them if it might rain would've been pretty random I thought.

 

Conversation
5. Join 5 ongoing conversations

I find it quite hard joining group conversations when I'm not totally comfortable with the others. I'll often be the one tostay quiet at the sidelines, stuck in my head and throwing in the occasional sycophantic laugh to remind people I'm still there. In fact, I often find myself rarely talking to anyone at work unless I'm directly addressed. For this reason it can be very easy to feel excluded, but one of the key teachings from Sean Cooper is that we just immerse ourselves in the conversation and focus on getting to know others we'll be quickly accepted into the group.

Today I saw that in action at my new job, I joined conversations that I felt I could contribute to and asked questions about topics even if I didn't really know what they were talking about. I didn't filter what I said as much as usual and kept conversations going for longer than usual.

I managed to get my 5 and even found myself wanting to speak to other people at work and went into the kitchen, which I very rarely do, to talk to this guy who's always seemed like an interesting dude to me. Turns out he is as safe as I thought he was and we had a fun little chat

Anxiety Level: 50- I really don't find it easy joining conversations and tend to overthink everything I could say and by the time I reach a conclusion the topic has ended and they've moved onto something else. I noticed people were a bit more inclusive of me throughout the day after I'd actually made an effort to join in with the others. You don't always have to come up with something witty or fascinating to say, people often are just appreciative of someone showing an interest in them

 

Conversation
I attempted yesterdays challenge again, but upped the number of times I joined conversations. I was able to join a lot more conversations with a lot less thinking. I feel like I've made definite improvement here

 

Conversation
6. Tell 5 people a fact about yourself

I realise a lot of the time when I'm having a conversation I will fail to offer anything about myself and probably leave the other person wondering who they just spoke to. This may be a reason I find I often have to restart a conversation with an acquaintance, it's easier when you know something about them you can start a conversation with.

Anyway, I was a bit pissed off with myself this morning- on my bus ride into town this hot girl sat opposite me and she seemed receptive to talk, but I made so many excuses I didn't bother saying anything. After a while she put her earphones in and the chance was gone.
After I got off the bus I bumped into an old friend from college who used to have a thing for me. We started chatting for a bit, but I cut the conversation short when I panicked thinking I'd run outta things to say. I got the feeling she would've stayed there talking to me for ages as well, I need to learn not to pay attention when my brain does this, as when I ride out the fear of awkwardness I usually become comfortable in the interaction and can talk for days.

I didn't get to do the challenge at lunch like I wanted to, cos I'd left my sandwich at home like a fool and had to go far out to get one. By the time I started the challenge after work I had a killer of a headache and really felt like bailing for the day. I told myself no excuses tho and forced myself to approach the first guy I met. I asked him for directions to the cinema and then told him I love action movies. Interaction 1 complete, he was a real friendly guy and I could've talked to him a lot longer, but I wanted to get the challenge done.

I started making a lot of excuses after this for why I shouldn't approach people, but I eventually forced myself to approach this pretty girl sat on a bench. I asked her for directions to an Italian and if she had any reccommendations. After I'd finished talking to her I realised I hadn't offered anything about myself. I wondered why I found it so hard to do and pushed myself to approach the next 4 people within 10 minutes.

I told some guy I love burgers, talked to a couple about movies again and another guy just before I got on the bus about earphones. Not exactly scintillating stuff, but I got the job done. I was weating like a mofo after, but I'm proud I managed to do it despite really not being in the mood to talk to people at all. I still felt pretty anxious doing it towards the end, so I might repeat again tomorrow until I can confidently drop some facts or tidbits about myself in conversations without drenching myself in sweat

 

Conversation
7 Compliment 5 guys and 5 girls

I woke up feeling pretty excited today for no reason at all. As soon as I got off the bus into town tho, the anxiety was back at starting another challenge. I walked thru a whole shopping centre making excuses for every opportunity possible. I was really annoyed with myself so told myself to go thru again and do at least 1. This girl was walking past me and she smiled at me, I told her I liked her top as I walked past. Straight after there was an Indian dude in a jazzy tracksuit so I told him 'nice tracksuit man'.

I was thinking it's pretty weird just commenting about somebody as you walk past. I know I'd probably think they were taking the piss if someone did that to me, so I decided to actually stop people before complimenting them after the 2nd approach. Told a cool looking Italian dude I liked his glasses and his face lit up like anything.

Managed to do all 10 in about half an hour which is pretty good. I tried to only compliment people on things I legitimately liked. Everybody who I talked to beamed at me after I complimented them, I gotta say, it felt good. I felt like I was getting in touch with my old self who used to enjoy making people laugh and lighting up their day.

Another thought, a lot of people were looking at me and smiling directly at me today. Usually everyone's in their own world and will just look at you with dead eyes if they don't just ignore you, but both guys and girls were smiling at me today

Anxiety Level: 48- Didn't feel too much anxiety doing this challenge actually. I think my main cause of anxiety was complimenting girls, as I thought they'd think I was hitting on them. I was also nervous about approaching people when there were others around them. By the last approach I wasn't bothered tho and happily complimented this woman on her flowery leggings despite being surrounded by quite a few others. Tbh I realised, if you asked me after who was standing around me whenever I do an approach I honestly couldn't tell you. Shows how little it matters who's around when doing these things

 

Extra Note: Just as an added reflection, I felt much more outgoing at work after the days challenge. I was engaging my coworkers more and felt more at ease. I noticed this random girl scootering (?) on her way after work, so I just approached her without a moments hesitation. We had a fun little chat- I was gonna quit on the conversation early again, but she kept it going and I ejoyed our conversation. This makes a massive change for me, as usually I'd just think in my head I wonder why she's using a scooter and then not do anything about it. People aren't as scary as you think

 

Conversation
8. Maintain conversation with 5 new people for 30 seconds

I walked around quite a bit in the morning thinking of who I could approach and what I'd say. I walked into the marker and sat on a bench for a bit after I failed to approach anyone so I could collect my thoughts. There was someone on a bench a bit away from me, so I said to myself I'd approach them once I'd gotten myself together. As soon as I was ready I turned around and the person was gone.

I eventually approached a couple of people who were advertising something in town. I got chatting to them and must've talked for a minute or 2. Again I could feel my brain putting the clamps down early in the conversation as my mind started to go blank, but I kept going and my tongue loosened up. I could feel the momentum after this approach and had a little joke with a guy working in the local Tesco's, I then had a little chat with the cashier there.

I really needed this social boost in the morning, because I was feeling nervous about a lunch arrangement at my work with all the coworkers. As lunch rolled along we all went into the boardroom for the buffet, I started talking to one of the guys there. I felt really nervous talking to him for with all the other coworkers there that I'm not used to standing nearby, and my mind was telling me to keep quiet so I wouldn't embarass myself. It is such a stupid thought pattern to have, since not saying anything tends to just make things more awkward. Anyway I managed to just about ignore my brain's whisperings and kept the conversation going.

I talked to 2 other coworkers there, I through out a random comment to the other and he didn't respond- I was initially offput by this, but then I realised I didn't care. It's important that I remind myself that failure is to be expected in my journey for self-improvement. Trying to hide myself from embarassment or failure is just stopping myself from growing to my true potential.

I decided to make tea for my workmates as well which I never do, so I had to venture into the kitchen for the first real time. I then had a really fun chat with one of the newest work recruits- he's a really cool guy and I'm glad I went into the kitchen, cos I'd ordinarily never get to chat to him, with us being in different departments.

I can happily say I completed this mission. I still feel anxiety talking to new people, but tbh I'm confident in my ability to maintain conversation- my main sticking points is inhibiting what I say, sometimes being too serious in conversation and focussing so much on listening that I can't really say anything other than 'yes' when asked something.

Anxiety Level: 56- I don't find it hard maintaining conversation as much now, I just found myself being more reserved when there were others around. If I'm 1 on 1 with someone I am completely fine, but I always feel the 'spotlight' effect when I'm with a group of people. I realised after a few of my interactions today I was sweating quite a bit as well so my anxiety isn't completely gone. Of course I can't expect this side effect to disappear within the 3 weeks I've been doing this challenge

 

Conversation
9. Maintain conversation with 5 new people for 1 minute

I woke up today not feeling as anxious as usual to do the days challenge, in fact I would almost describe my state as excited. I decided to do it on my lunchbreak when there'd be more people around. Instead I spent the morning practicing my relaxation techniques and diaphragmic breathing

At lunch I went into a clothes shop on the highstreet that I'd never seen before. It was completely empty, with the shop assistant being the sole person in there. usually I'd shy away from entering an empty store as I'd feel pressured by the store assistants who would most definitely want to talk to me. This time tho I didn't even hesitate and walked straight in, the shop guy greeted me and I asked him how he was doing. We then ended up talking for about 10 minutes which was way longer than I'd planned. I was joking around with him and his other colleague joined in the conversation. By that time I'd spent too much time in there already and exited to try and get the rest of my approaches in.

I went into a local comicbook store and straight away talked to one of the guys in there for about 5 minutes- we talked comics, gaming and other general stuff. I could've talked a lot longer with this guy, but again I was running outta time. I next talked to a girl and her partner advertising in the street. I really needed to get back to work at this point, so I kept the conversation short to a minute. I could feel my mind going blank during this conversation and I was spewing out a load of trash excitedly. I need to learn to relax sometimes in conversations and let things come slower. Anyway, I'd managed to talk to the 5 new people by this point. I would've liked to talk to more people and maybe some more girls, but I had to get back to work.

As soon as I got back to work tho I felt all that good mojo disappear as it so often does. I always feel stifled in there, maybe because everyone seems so confident and comfortable around each other whilst I've only been there a few weeks and barely know anyone. A number of times when I do finally speak out, I usually end up ignored. I'm not getting frustrated tho, I know my growth thru these challenges won't be linear and I can expect many downs along with the growth.

Anxiety Level: 42- I didn't feel very anxious doing this challenge for some reason and hardly hesitated before approaching the people I talked to. I didn't think of what I was going to say and didn't give my brain time to think my way out of the situation. I calmed myself down with the diaphragmic breathing and muscle relaxation techniques during these approaches which seemed to calm me down and allow me to settle into the conversations easier.

 

Thanks for the encouragement mate. Good point, I often feel like my brain is warning me that I could be killed just by speaking to someone!

 

Conversation
10. Introduce yourself to 5 new people and make 1 new friend

I went to a party tonight which is always a great place to meet lots of new people at once. I can spend a lot of times at parties wanting to speak to someone and overthinking it to the point where it becomes a big thing. I had my friends staying over with me for the weekend as well, so I was motivated to try my best to start to make improvements in my party game so I cold start to enjoy them more in the future.

We got there and I felt a bit shy, I was looking around for anybody I could introduce myself and my friends to. I spent a lot of time talking to them, but scouting around at the same time so that I was never fully present in the conversation. This is something I need to work on, I should fully engage in the conversation and then not think before approaching people. I eventually found some old friends that I hadn't spoken to for years and we talked with them for a while, this warmed me up a bit. After this tho we met 2 really awkard girls- they were super hot, but pretty boring and things got a bit awkward. They walked off, but I didn't let this affect me, usually I'd let it get to me and really beat myself up about having no 'game', but I didn't blame myself at all.
I then talked to 2 girls I'd spoken to a while a go. After this I was feeling more charged and took one of my friends straight over to meet this girl- they ended up talking for a good amount of time. I felt good about that. I then started talking with one of my other mates, I saw 2 girls sitting in a corner by themselves, so I immediately told my friend we should go approach them. We went over and talked to them for a while before leaving.

By the end of the night I'd talked to quite a few different and new people and had even more than accomplished my mission of making a new friend by making 3 new friends and getting numbers.

Anxiety Level: 70- I wasn't feeling in the most social mood from lack of sleep the previous night, ubt I forced myself to do a few things I wouldn't ordinarily do. I was far from perfect, a lot of conversations, especially with girls felt awkward and a bit dry. But I was proud to go out and meet a lot more people than I would normally and even manage to have some fun, interesting conversations with new people.

Sticking Points:

• Conversations with girls were boring and pretty awkward a lot of the time
• Not contributing anything to the conversation when in a group
• Not always being fully present in conversations
• Asking too many questions or talking about myself too much sometimes

What I'm Proud of:

• Introduced my friends to new people without overthinking
• Approached a pair of girls and kept the conversation flowing
• Made new friends

 

Rejection Challenge
1 Ask to be a live mannequin in a store

So I successfully completed the conversation part of my challenge, I feel I can approach most people, but I still feel myself holding back a lot of the time, especially with girls, as I feel I will just have a boring conversation with them. I want to be able to let my personality come across more but I feel like I will gain their disapproval. I'm going to do the rejection challenge next which should hopefully conquer this fear and bring out my fun side.

Challenge:
I walked into a super dry store and looked at a few of the clothes there for a bit. I then decided to get the mission over with and went straight up to the first person I met which happened to be the girl in charge of dressing the mannequins. There was some kinda wacky glitch hop playing on their speakers, so I commented on it..

Me: Interesting song choice you guys got in here
Girl: It's great isn't it, I could listen to it every day of the week
Me: What really?! /sarcasmdetectorbroken
Girl: No I was just joking haha
Me: Ah right... Actually I just came over to ask if I could be a live mannequin in your store

(at this point she bursts out laughing, but I don't respond like I'm dead serious)

Girl: Are you serious?
Me: Yeah it'd be fun
Girl: We don't do that in this store unfortunately, well not unfortunately cos I'd be out of a job
Me: You could dress humans tho couldn't you?
Girl: I guess so, but it's not something we do here
Me: No worries, thanks anyway!

Anxiety level: 52- Didn't feel too anxious right up until the point when I was going to walk into the store. Didn't plan it at all tho and tried to keep the interaction going a bit longer than I would normally. I enjoyed the interaction

 

Rejection Challenge
2. Will you swap jackets with me?

I was so nervous doing this challenge it was ridiculous. I waited until my lunch break to do it, but I felt absolutely sick to my stomach. I just knew I'd have to get it done quick times otherwise I wouldn't be able to eat anything without throwing it straight back up onto the street. I can't really explain why I was so nervous- I did the breathing and muscle relaxation techniques; they worked a bit, but the anxiety soon returned.

I approached one tall guy in a nice blue jacket and told him I liked his jacket, the guy looked at me so weird I couldn't bring myself to confirm his suspicions that I was a complete weirdo by asking to swap jackets. I walked off, but I was so annoyed with myself and realised this is why I'm doing this challenge, I'm too concerned about how other people view me. I need to break down this ego of mine

I walked around for 20 minutes making up excuses why I shouldn't approach someone, time was running out tho before I had to return to work, so I pointed out the first guy I saw with a jacket on and walked over to him. I said 'Hey excuse me!', but the guy didn't quite hear me and only turned around when he'd almost walked past me. I asked him if he'd like to swap jackets with me since his was so nice. he laughed and said he's quite alright.

Me: Are you sure?
Guy: Quite sure!
Me: Ok, I love your jacket anyway!

I thought I'd feel really relieved after this challenge, but my stomach was still in knots after doing this and I still felt pretty sick. At work I was more open with people and didn't feel quite as stifled as usual, I kept thinking to myself nothing can be as bad as putting myself thru that hell.

Anxiety Level: 80- I felt like vomiting hours before I even had to do the challenge, so that probably gives you an idea of how bad I felt.

 

Rejection Challenge
3 Can I borrow £100?

I thought back to my experience yesterday and how I waited for ages to find 'the right person' to ask when as a matter of fsct anybody can give me the rejection I need. Kazcube also mentioned something itneresting when he tried a similar challenge in that he walked around for ages until he finally approached someone who turned out to be the biggest jerk you could imagine. There's no point judging people on how they look, the nicest looking people can sometimes be the ugliest inside.

As soon as I got off the bus I determined to ask the first person who walked my way- I saw a youngish guy in his 30's on his way to work. I walked straight up to him, he had his earphones in it turns out, but I continued anyway. I asked him if I could borrow £100 and he merely said as he started to walk off again that he didn't have £100 on him. I would've like to have asked him if he'd have lent me the money if he did have it on him, but he'd walked away already.

Anxiety Level: 50- It's strange how far less anxious I was to do todays challenge and I managed to intiate it within a minute. I felt slightly underwhelmed with the interaction if I'm being honest and didn't experience much of a buzz after. I find myself stumbling over my words and not being fully present after these interactions- something I'd like to improve on

 

I like it, nice touch. Something I definitely need to work on is moving the conversation offroad

 

T

Thanks man, it's good to hear someone else's view. Sometime's I feel like I've gone nowhere at all, but I'm probably my own worst critic at times.

Extending and making my conversations more fun is my next goal