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Open Relationships

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Headspace, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys,

    I need to vent a little. I already did in my journal, but it would be nice to get some feedback and opinions.

    So I met this girl, or should I say woman. She's 32 years old, more than 5 years older than me, but that doesn't matter. We had our first date last week, which was my first date in a year. She quickly told me that she doesn't really consider it a date, not because she put me in the friendzone or something, but because she doesn't like this absolute sort of categories. I am quite sure that there was romantic interest involved.

    She's the greatest woman I have dated so far, but there's one huge problem: She has some sort of boyfriend in some sort of an open long distance relationship. Her guy is living in Denmark, we are living in Germany, with some hundred kilometres inbetween.

    This circumstance is messing with me. Ever since I experienced a total loss with a girl that turned out different from what I had projected onto her, my sexuality transformed. That was two years ago, and by now it has become unimaginable to me to have sex outside of a loving and committed relationship, my taste in women changed and I started NoFap. There's two things now:

    1. She has a boyfriend. Regardless of what happens between us, I might end up coming second.
    2. Even if we started a relationship at some point, I'm scared that I might not be enough for her.

    Regarding the first point there is only one way to figure this out, which is patience. (Being patient sucks, however, when you can't sleep well because your thoughts are going crazy.) She told me that the emotional connection to her boyfriend is strong, but the rest not so much. May be they will end up being friends soon.

    Regarding the second point, I need to listen to my intuition. I know that I can cut the chord anytime if I don't feel a hundert percent of trust. But she even told me that she doesn't want to hurt me. At the next occasion I will try to explain her my attitude towards (my) sexuality, hoping to help her make the right decisions.

    She also said that many relationships fail because of pride and amorousness (for third parties) and how you just need to go on sometimes. She had tried to convince her sister to continue her marriage that way. I think deep down she wants to marry, too, at some point, but I'm not sure yet if that's just wishful thinking on my part.

    Guys, she is great. Great for me. She is modest, she is social, she is fun, she loves nature and dislikes the city, she is brave, she is a vegan. We have a lot in common. I really would appreciate some feedback. For now I need to be patient and most of all get to know her better, but as I said above, that doesn't mean I can just silence my mind, which is running in circles. I'm so glad I will be meeting my best friends on wednesday. Thanks for reading. Peace.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  2. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Fapstronaut

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    If I were you, I'd get the scoop from her current boyfriend. She might just be playing the field and you might be him in short order. On the other hand, if you're comfortable with that idea, it's your choice.
    Walk with caution around this situation.
     
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Why put the ball in her court?
    Honestly, I would not have any more contact. She wants an open relationship with multiple partners, you don't. She's already foreshadowed possibly hurting you. Don't give her a chance.

    She may seem great, but there's someone truly great out there for you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  4. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your answers. That's a lot of what I thought yesterday. But I will at least try to explain her what I am feeling, either in person or I will write her a letter...
     
    Lone_Wolf likes this.
  5. "open relationship"
    to me it's an oxymoron.
     
    Headspace, - Ω - and Wanderer90 like this.
  6. Wanderer90

    Wanderer90 Fapstronaut

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    I've been in a situation that was a bit similar to yours. Not trying to hijack your topic. I'm simply sharing this so that it may hopefully help you come to a sound decision.

    I was 23, she was 28, so also roughly 5 years older (I like it that way). She and I seemed perfect for each other, both sexually and romantically, as well as hobbies and everything. Hell, she even hated porn! We'd play videogames together and let's say that the sexual compatibility was very good, and that is a very difficult thing for me to find, unfortunately. So eventually she reveals to me that she's polyamorous. I did NOT agree to sharing her because I'm pretty much as monogamous as they come, so I asked her if she could be happy and content with just one person (she was bi, and more or less equally attracted to both sexes), so she replied along the lines of "Yeah sure, I could be perfectly happy that way." Foolish, naive, hopelessly in love me.
    It went well for a few months, and I fell more and more in love with her every day until I started noticing a change in her behavior. Very subtle. She eventually told me she was going to have this gay guy over, who was supposedly a friend of hers. Yeah, my intuition immediately told me that that guy wasn't gay at all, and that she simply used it as an excuse to put my mind at ease.
    I confronted her and she was like "Yeah no, I'm NOT cheating on you!" and she got really mad. Still, despite her reassurance I still felt that something was off (I tend to have a very good intuition, thankfully). So about two weeks passed and I eventually confronted her again. She then admitted she had been seeing this other guy for about two weeks, so that's when I knew my gut feeling was right. The disgusting thing to me was that she sent me a pic of herself flashing that very same day that I found this out, which kind of added insult to injury... She told me that I shouldn't be hurt and that it wasn't a big deal or something along those lines which just... I don't even know what to reply to someone saying that. I was heartbroken and cut off all contact with her after that, even though she asked me if we could still be "friends" if we weren't going to be with each other anymore lol.

    Bottom line; I can't tell you what to do, but I'd strongly recommend that, if you are a monogamous person yourself, you stay FAAAAAAAR away from this kind of a situation. You'll very likely just end up getting your heart broken.
     
  7. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    If you write a letter, just do it for yourself. You don't need to give her a long explination, in my opinion.

    And I don't think you need to do it in person. You guys went on one ... she said it wasn't even a date, during which she revealed she had a boyfriend. Besides, you might feel weak and not stick to your guns.

    Send her a text. This isn't a breakup, for which that would be considered rude and heartless. Cut it off decisively. You don't need that mess in your life.
     
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Oh and, it may feel difficult to cut off a relationship with someone you felt a spark with. But focus on the future pain you're saving yourself. Even if she dumps her current boyfriend do you want to be dating someone that is OK with an open relationship? I wouldn't want to be.

    Plus, if you are with this girl, you may miss out on finding another girl. One who is potentially much better for you.
     
    ivanhoe likes this.
  9. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    @Wanderer90 Thanks a lot for your story.

    Well, this could be said about every girl. But the rest of what you said sounds kinda true.
     
  10. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I texted her and didn't have to wait long for a reply. She said she didn't plan to start anything with me and that the situation with her boyfriend is more complex. She agreed that we can't meet anymore and said that it was the right decision.

    Thank you guys for your help.

    But what happened to me afterwards? I refueled and cleaned my car and when I got home I started to feel a simple, but intense desire to be loved. It became so intense that I started crying for 10 minutes straight, spasmodicly sobbing like a baby. It was a primordial, childlike need for love that broke out like a volcano, and there was no one there to hold me or console me, just myself.
     
  11. Wanderer90

    Wanderer90 Fapstronaut

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    You did the smart thing, trust me. Good on you for avoiding more heartache. That said, I can completely relate to the last bit of what you wrote. I had the very same thing happen to me just yesterday actually... You'll find the one for you. It's all part of the withdrawal/reconnecting with your true emotions and the reasons why you started PMO'ing in the first place.
     
  12. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    Don't you think maybe you should have just tried to "man up" and keep her for yourself? Why not put her on the spot and say, if you want to be with me then you will have to break it off with your boyfriend? Instead, you did the reverse: "If you want to be with your b/f, you can't be with me because it won't work out."

    Actually, this reminds me of a love story of my own. The girl I met six years ago really hit it off with me and I asked her out; she was very flattered. Due to circumstances beyond my control, we were not able to date each other; I quit my job (where I met her) and went into "exile" in the city up north and then proceeded to keep writing to her. One of my very last letters to her suggested that she find a "substitute boyfriend" to stand in my place while I couldn't be together with her. She loved me and I was head over heels in love with her. My letters to her made a difference and she adored getting sweet gifts from me that made her blush.

    Now she has a boyfriend. I wanted for her to lack nothing while she is up north, not even a sexual relationship. But I want her to come back to me, one day, and I am a very patient man. I am prepared to wait for her to break up with her new beau and come back to me. To this end I will continue to be her friend, and that is how I will find out if it truly is love.

    There's much more to the story than that, but I feel your heartache. I have cried over this girl countless times and even told her so. "He must really love me," she will realise, one day.

    The point in question is whether he's a better man than you are. What's so bad about you that you can't be with her, that this idiot overseas is so much more important to her? Ask yourself that. And then try again by telling you how you feel. Try to do it face to face, not by text.

    My friend, man is a territorial creature, designed to conquer and dominate. Women gravitate towards the ones with the strongest will. You should be that man for her. All the advice you have been given above is rubbish. People on these forums hate love stories with happy endings, because it makes them look bad. I say you should go for it.

    :)

    P.S. PMO has NOTHING to do with it.
     
  13. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    @Wanderer90. You're absolutely right. But it hurts so much.

    Thanks @L Coroneos for your view.

    Well, other than in your situation she had been together with this idiot for a while, and we only got to know each other recently. So the situation is inverted.

    Moreover, I didn't cry over her but about being left in the dark as a child. I know it. It felt so pure. I haven't experienced this in this purity yet. Writing this my eyes start to get wet again. She was only the trigger.

    In this situation I can't man up. May be it's a bit different from yours. Wish you good luck as well. Hope you find your peace.

    EDIT: Moreover, I see now that this open relationship thing is something I just cannot accept. I wouldn't be able to trust her.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
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  14. - Ω -

    - Ω - Guest

    Bingo. It's my rule to never date women who are already in relationships. If she can do what she is doing to them, then she can do it to me. That's someone I already can't trust.
     
    Headspace likes this.
  15. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    @Headspace, I see what you're saying now. It seems like you've made the right decision. In fact, for me, the past six years' involvement with this girl (or, "young woman") has been one long drawn-out agony, and now that she has a boyfriend, I think it's time for me to move on. It's crushing. It makes you feel inferior, worthless. Hopefully some good will come of it though; I would consider our situations to be one of life's more important lessons.

    All the best!
     
    Headspace and - Ω - like this.
  16. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    Don't compare my situation to yours, man... yours sounds a lot harder to digest. I had only just met this girl. Thank you nevertheless. Feeling inferior and worthless is a good description.
     
    L Coroneos likes this.
  17. GSarosi

    GSarosi Guest

    Oneitis.

    Rears its ugly head once again.

    @Headspace. Now the question is what do you want and your possible end game out of all this?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2016
  18. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    In my case it's not oneitis just because I had some sort of feeling for a girl I dated. I hardly knew her and I will get over her, but thank you for reminding me of that.
     
  19. GSarosi

    GSarosi Guest

    You're welcome. Sounds like you know your stance.
     
  20. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I already learned it the hard way... twice.
     

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