My journey of self-improvement

Hey!!
Yes it wasnt good that I was absent. I´m really thankful for your support.

 

barev vra!! (armenian)

The last days were full of (sad) emotions and trouble. I broke up with my gf, because of the same reasons I broke up once again with her. Thinking that she isn´t the ideal partner, she is older than me, I would like to leave from where I´m living now, but don´t think she will follow me and so on.
The same night after breaking up, people broke into her house (she wasn´t there) and stole her jewelery and money. The next day she went to the hospital with a hypertensive crisis and they found that she maybe has a severe illness. So after breaking up with her her world turns around and she gets destroyed.
I haven´t seen her since then, but we are keeping in contact. I feel now that I´m loosing the most precious treasure. What is an ideal partner? I always searched for the ideal partner who would fit my imagination, being sexy, even ressembling the image of the P-industry, being socially acceptable of course. But as days pass I realize that the ideal partner is the one you love just because she is what she is. You love everything about this person. The way she looks at you, the way she talks to you, the way she laughs, the way she makes you smile.
It doesn´t matter if she is older, has a sickness, is from a different social background, has a different religion. The matter is that you love her the most, that she loves you like nobody else in this world, that you would do everything for her, that she would do everything for you. That you just want to be with her.
I don´t know yet what will happen with us, but I my only wish is that she will become healty again.

Meanwhile I relapsed again, letting my addiction to much slack again. I disconnected my pc from the internet at home again since I cannot control myself yet.

 

Geia sas nofappers!

Regain power over my actions

The last day I relapsed many times. I don´t even know how many. Since last "big" relapse on 16.09. where I did P, M and O, I always just watched to P. I didn´t MO to it. It is strange or it is because of me being so desensitized. Yesterday for example, I told my sister to switch on her iPad, where she changed the password. So I watched for maybe "just" 5 minutes Sex-ads, no M, no P. Anyway I already count just one second that I deliberately watch P or especially sex-ads as a relapse. I want to eliminate everything related to PMO.

The one explanation for not fapping to P lately is that I have experienced the benefits of a longer Nofap-period (about 2 months) and I know that it is amazing. Sex with somebody you really love cannot be compared to PMO!!! Also I know that I want to have more than just sex. There is much more than that in a relationship.


Why did I relapse so often the last days after having a good streak? Well I´m not sure, as I´m really changing my life and as I´m really active and staying busy. Since disconnecting my pc from the web I´m very productive. I read a lot, I train much more, almost every day. Lately I started to do "comfort zone challenges", that will help me with being more social and being more comfortable talking to strangers and tackling my fears in general. At the moment I do the "eye-gaze" challenge, where I try to look at somone´s eyes when looking at me until the other person looks away. Of course you have to be careful, not to look too aggressive or look like a freak. All of that helps build confidence.


I probably kept relapsing because of the very sad and emotional last days I had with my gf. But this isn´t an excuse. I realize that I have to become disciplined and mentally focused again like in the beginning where I had this good streak. That means, that I want to check the forums here at least 6 out of 7 days weekly and update my journal and keep in contact with my AP. Also want to meditate again every day, which I did today in the morning.

Also I want to focus on the small things, like not eating sugar, not drinking too much alcohol, going to bed before mid-night. Focusing on the small things will help me become mentally stronger so in the future I won´t need safety blockers or anything to prevent me fapping. It will be my will that will block PMO.


Some rules for the moment I want to follow strictly (no excuses!!!)

• Avoiding all kind of sugar and all kinds of meals, where I know there is sugar in it
  
• PMO is dead!!!!
  
• Updating my journal 6 out of 7 days weekly
  
• Drinking moderate amounts of alcohol, and just once a week, max 2 glasses of alcohol of any kind
  • Exception: being with my family members, where alcohol accompanies almost every gathering
• No smoking at all ( Since about 2 years I use to smoke occasionally when I´m with friends, who most of them smoke)

Things I´m working at the moment:

• Focusing on Luta Livre: from 25.11.-20.12. -> Goal: 1200 minutes of practice
  
• Reading the 4-Hour-work-week
  
• Comfort-zone-challenge: Eye-Gazing

 

Dobryy vecher!

What I learned through Nofap for real life

I´m having some really hard days lately. I broke up with my gf several times but we always kept coming together again. This time I´m not sure it will happen again. But I learned something for my life. Well it isn´t some secret... I learned that honesty is really important in our life and especially in our relationships.
Me, I wasn´t always honest. I used and still use to lie because I think it will prevent me or other people from pain or discomfort. But I realized that by lying we just postpone this discomfort and it even gets bigger and bigger.
I told my gf about my PMO addiction because I ought it to her. There were several times when I wasn´t in the mood to sleep with her, I even had several times PIED and she thought that it was her fault or that she wasn´t sexy enough. Now she knows. And it wasn´t that bad. I thought that she would be shocked, but she told me why I didn´t tell her earlier.
So where is the link with Nofap? When meeting girls I used to be dishonest to try to get laid. I read that girls seek relationships and guys seek sex, well I think that´s partly true. Although girls also seek random sex. So me and a lot of guys lie to the girls about their intentions. Most of the time we want to sleep with them. Me, with my PMO-brain was just thinking about having sex with hot girls which ressembled my P-fantasies.
Now when you are in control of your urges and your sexual energy you become more comfortable and you can be honest. First of all you don´t see every woman as a porn-actress, and second, you enjoy yourself being with a woman because of the person that is.
Well, if anybody reads that, it is difficult to explain, but I hope you understand what i mean.

 

I´ve done the mistake of not telling what I really want or what my intentions are in at least two relationships. By that I remained in a relationship and was unhappy because I was pretending something different from what I was and from what I wanted.
In the future I won´t do that again.

 

I have to thank you for giving me your support and your advices. really you pushed me!!!!

 

Kalhmera!!!

Back again

I´m back again, after a long while not posting anything here.
I thought, the less I think about nofap and P the better it would be. But I´m struggling again, relapsing again. So i decided to post regularly again, because it helped when I started my journey.
I will overcome it... But I Need help from you guys here...
the good thing is that at the Moment I´m making some serious life changes and decisions that I wouldn´t be able to do before starting this journey!!!

 

Difficult times

The last weeks and months were really hard for me. I broke up with my gf because I will leave from the city where I´m living now which i never liked. I´m planning to take some time off from my job and to work on myself and my issues. I already quitted from my present job which i wasn´t happy with any more. So this is a big step for a change for me. But the last days i´m feeling depressed because I heard that my ex-gf got a serious health issue and because I making up my mind about my future...

And I´m struggling again with P. Although I took my pc from home and gave it to a friend, I went several times into an internet café and watched P-subs. I want to come back to the right path, and what helped me in the beginning was posting here and being active in the community.
I hope there will be better days...

 

Relapsed yesterday. Again it was just watching P. I felt very horny but at one moment I thought: "what the f*** am I doing again?" and stopped it. It is the same thing again and again. Usually i start with mindless surfing in the internet and watching at hot girls, like i did yesterday.
At least my consciousness realizes that it is not worth it, but on the other side my subconscious mind craves this dopamine-rush, and that´s why after some day i start by mindless surfing whereas in reality I try to watch at P-subs.

I will brake the cycle, I will never give up.
I´ve written an emergency-sheet and I will always keep it next to my pc.

 

Must become serious again

First of all i think i have made some good progress. I started from doing PMO almost every day several hours to watching P maybe about every 14 days without MO. Last time i did MO to P it was maybe 1 month ago and before that i cannot remember when i did it. But my problem is that i haven´t broken up this cycle. After about 2 weeks of abstaining I start to surf mindlessly and look out for P-subs and then I relapse.
So my problem is my mindless surfing, always looking for new stuff in the internet and not abstaining fully to recover fully.
I decided to check the forums and my blog more regularly, i try to do it daily, I know i said that before, but this time i want to become serious again and break my streak of 60 days.

For the moment I want to do a daily meditation and breathing exercises in the morning and after that check out my journal and the forums. The breathing exercises will help me when urges come up.

 

Giving up bad habits
Yesterday I was out with my friends and i smoked two cigarettes and drank two glass of beer. I´m not the typical smoker, I smoke since about 3 years but only when i go for a drink. I don´t buy my own cigarettes so I maybe smoke once in a week or even less. Anyway, i want to stop it because i don´t even like it, but when I´m with my friends, half of them smoke, I do it to. It is strange, this power of habit, I smoke although i don´t like it that much.
Moreover drinking beer is something I dont like much either. I don´t do it when I´m alone, just when i go out or when I´m with friends, maybe once or twice a week. It is kind of "well what should i drink? Let´s have a beer because everybody has one..." So that´s what I want to reduce, not because I´m an alcoholic but I don´t really like it, I just do it out of a bad habit.

 

I was wondering why the first days after a relapse, and I mean just watching to P as I did the last time- not full PMO, I don´t have any urges? They build up day by day. After 3-4 days random P-images start coming up. And after 10-14 days they are really annoying me. This is my biggest problem, breaking this vicious cycle. I don´t know how it will be after 90 days or after half a year but I think these urges will fade away slowly. I hope so...

 

Yesterday I spent the evening with my best friends and I enjoyed it really although I smoked a cigarette. Until now I didn´t take my smoking habit serious (smoking perhaps one cigarette when I´m with friends, about once a week). But I don´t want to continue that. Yes I know, you cannot compare it to a chain smoker, but anyway I want to stop it for good.
At the moment, I´m studying for my exam, and I´m going well. I must say I didn´t have any crazy urges coming up, but I know that the dangerous perioud is after about 10 days. Then I will have to put up a heavy artillery...

 

Rewarding

I like the idea of rewarding yourself i.e. every 30 days of abstaining. It´s something I read at a post of @britaxe. I want to do the same. I will make up my mind about how I will reward myself after every 30 days.