How do you ever really gain trust back?

I'm am so sorry that you had to go through all that, only to have your hopes crushed to smithereens. I hate to be the smartass here, but the addict has to admit the addiction himself, you can't beat it out of him. Always trust your gut, my wife knew exactly when I was consuming P or P-subs. About how you go on with this relationship, I don't know. You mentioned that he's reading what you're posting on here, if he still hasn't realized what damage he's inflicting on you, I don't know what will. Reading your post again makes me really angry, but at the same time, I played a similar hide&seek with my wife for a decade, so I'm in no position to advise you to stay or leave. From my experience, brutal honesty and continued effort on self improvement were the keys to regaining my wife's trust, but it was a hard and painful process for her nonetheless. Now do what you tell every other SO on this forum, take care of yourself now, first and foremost. Don't let his addiction drag you down.

 

My question is has he ever done anything during your relationship to earn or be worthy of your trust? Based on what you've written above it sounds like he has been consistently deceitful for your entire time together. Given this, it seems like placing any trust in him would be unwise as it goes against his established character.

 

I don't know if this helps, but the best way I can describe the addicted decision making process is like this:

For a normal person, an idea or urge or whatever presents itself, and by default nothing happens. If you make a conscious choice - an active decision - you act on it.

As an addict, the addiction-driven urge or idea or option starts itself in motion, and by default you act on it. If you make a conscious choice - an active decision - you halt it, and nothing happens.

That's why we can say hurtful, and seemingly nonsensical things like "I can't believe I *let this happen*." I realize now how absurd that sounds, and how it sounds like we're trying to make it "not our fault." But when I said those words, it was with shame, grief, and feeling fully responsible for all the things I did, and all the things I allowed to happen.

I know that doesn't change all the lies, and all the ways the trust was broken. But so many of the actions I took when I was addicted were not by deliberate choices to take the action, but rather by failure to stop a freight train of addiction-driven desire/need. It was me. I did it. I failed. I didn't take steps to prevent it happening. I didn't listen to myself, or others. Everything I did is on me, but dammit I tried not to. And I did things as terrible as what you're describing. And I was trying not to, and hating doing it, and hating myself for doing it, and rationalizing it all at the same time. Even now it's hard to re-imagine what it was like being inside my head at the time, and I was freaking there.

Am I helping? I feel like I'm not helping. Just don't give up. Don't give up!

 

This is just speculation on my part of course, but here's my speculation. His brain's still not working all the way. It's still rationalizing the wrong actions of the past and present. It's in that limbo where he's intellectually aware of the reality of the wrongness of his actions, but doesn't feel it emotionally/intuitively just yet .. kinda. I'm basically taking a guess at what point of my recovery is most analogous to where he is now.

So, if I was to go on guessing, I would guess you are empathically detecting his emotional detachment from his actions and their impacts on others (and himself) and it seems like emotional dishonesty. And that isn't an inaccurate description, objectively. Whereas he's actually still trying (again still just guessing) to reconcile his intellectual and emotional awareness. It's a very long and shitty period of cognitive dissonance, and looking back now I wonder if it produces its own form of brain fog.

If my guesses are reasonably accurate, I'd say your intuition and assessment are correct, but that you are both actively fighting the same enemy. It's just that for him, he's battling one part of himself against another, whereas for what you can see, all of it is embodied by him. Perhaps you could find a way, together, to abstract the things you're both fighting to destroy, and fight them together.

Maybe -- more conjecture and musing here, not expert advice or anything -- you're in a similar place, where you can intellectually understand what's going on for him and how part of him is honestly trying, but can't emotionally reconcile that with how he's hurt you. And your internal dissonance isn't the same, because you didn't do anything wrong, and there's no part of it that needs to be defeated, or eradicated. Yours is completely justified and rational pain, caused by him. But I just wonder if the symmetry that does exist can be a way for you to understand his internal struggle, and then let him know you're on the same side as the part of him that we all want to see win. I'm not saying "oh just understand what it's like, and don't be so hard on him." If anything, it might allow you to be even harder on him, without either of you feeling like you're being too harsh. You know ... "what percent of that is you talking, and what percent is the addiction? I'm here for you, not your addiction, so if *it's* the one talking to me ... FEEL THE WRATH OF MY HEAT VISION!"



I'm pretty sure I was really sloppy with the way I described what I was trying to. I am NOT trying to offer any excuses or justifications for his behavior. If I inadvertently did, I apologize. If anything, I want to help you both attack the monster that lives inside him. Haha okay this gives me an idea. I'm going to give my monster a name, so I know who I'm killing.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened. I think you are doing the right thing.

 

Trust is a fragile and fleeting thing. Like Humpty Dumpty, once it's broken it's very hard to put back together. To not trust trust someone is to not feel safe with them. And feelings safe is a basic emotional need. It is fundamental for a relationship. Without it there cannot be any future with someone. What makes it worse for you is that there have been a series of betrayals... there hasn't been a clear turn around... and every time you get your hopes up they get dashed to pieces. A person can only go through this so many times before it's just too much to recovery.

At my wife's request I partially read a book called "I Love you but I don't trust you" by Mira Kirshenbaum. One chapter explores the question "Is it worth trying to mend this relationship?" Here are some questions that might push you in one direction or another.

1. Would you want this relationship if the trust could be restored? Is there enough other good stuff to salvage?

2. Does the fact that this betrayal happened ruin everything for you? Has the betrayal changed him so drastically in your mind that you could never forget what they did? Are they like spoiled meat in your mind?

3. Can you imagine the possibility of forgiveness? Even down the road? Does your unwillingness to forgive make you feel even worse about yourself?

4. Does the person you mistrust care about how you feel? Is the other person so broken that they don't possess the tools needed to empathize or help heal your wounds? Has the other person taken any steps to show remorse or shown signs of change?

5. Can the other person work on your relationship with you? If you gave the other person a chance are they willing to try?

These questions may not give you a definitive stay or go answer. They're meant to help you see if there's any basis for hope. The author also emphasizes that you can delay making a decision. You can always end the relationship, but you can't always restart it.

You know he's an addict and he is still showing addict thinking. It's your prerogative how much of that you want to influence your decision. The initial stages of recovery can be very introspective and make him be very inwardly focused. But from the start he should be thinking about how to make things better with you. Fixing broken and damaged relationships is an important process because real people are more important that than fantasies.

It's up to you to decide if there has been one betrayal too many. I hope these questions give you some food for thought.

 

Oooh... right in the feels and the regrets.

 

First - I'm so sorry to hear this. What a lowlife! @AllanTheCowboy is right, the addiction does "speak for us" sometimes. But everyone's got limits and at some point an addict has to say "yes" to that evil inner voice. It can influence us, but we are still responsible for following that influence. Where are your SO's limits? Are they all gone? Because it sounds like they are and, if so, then there's nothing left of the person that you thought you knew. There's no free will left. There's just a slave, following that addictive voice wherever it leads!

I entirely agree with @noexcuses ... this does not sound like a person who is genuine about himself, or about you. I've done the lying thing too, but I have at least had the sense to feel disgusted about it and try hard to stop. If it's continuous use, throughout - you don't notice any periods of 2 or 3 days "clean" anywhere - then I do not think there was ever an intention to stop, sad as that is to have to say.

Adding to @i_wanna_get_better1 's questions: do you even know him? Is he still trustworthy in some respect? If not...