How do you ever really gain trust back?

I have thought about those options 1 and 2 throughout this week. I am strongly leaning towards one of them but am giving myself time to make sure that is what I want. As far as #3, I gave him an ultimatum 4 months ago and he tricked me into believing I could trust him again. That is why I have a decision in mind but still, I realize the shock of everything makes me feel like I need to wait to be certain. I never would ever have thought I would even consider staying with someone who cheated on me. This addiction adds that extra problem/worry and makes us SOs think that they are not defined by their actions, but they have chosen to do them regardless. It is a very confusing time for me right now. Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

 

I understand how this feels. WHO was I married to for 23 years? I consider myself an intelligent, perceptive woman. Most of this got by me and he saw prostitutes when I was out of town seeing my parents. When I was home (99% of the time), he didn't initiate sex.

 

Thank you for sharing this, @AllanTheCowboy - very helpful.

 

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't know how I would move forward with that knowledge. But I also have absolutely no idea what else has been going on in my relationship and I don't believe I have all the information yet. So who knows?

 

I've been thinking about how terribly excellent of a liar my SO is. We were going to counselling together after individual counselling. The counsellor felt we were ready to unite in couples counselling because he was doing so well at the time. He never told the counsellor that he wasn't clean. He chose not to tell the one person who could have helped him, the one person that it was safe to tell (confidentiality rule). Thinking about that makes me realize that he could never be 100% honest with me, never will tell me everything that he did, never would tell me if he relapsed later...I feel like his addiction is so embedded in him that there are no clear lines between the person that he is and his addiction. He is his addiction.

 

Yep. Excellent liars. IMHO, these types of people choose trusting partners. My therapist is shocked that he divulged over 6 months ago and hasn't made a sincere apology yet.

 

Run away and never look back. The worst thing you could do is become MrsPants. You've been abused enough as it is. It's time for you to practice some self-care and then, when you're ready, to look for a healthier relationship. Right now it sounds like his addiction is PMO and yours is him.

 

I am not totally ready to walk away yet. I have so much to consider still. But as far as my daughter, she is not his and is a teenager.

 

Thank you @Mackswell Hope. I needed that. Your example of having a wife with alcoholism is not quite as mind encompassing as this addiction is, although I know you were just trying to find a comparison. I will never know what he is thinking out in public, while at home, while being intimate with me...going on vacation and being on a beach will never have the same relaxing experience for me. Watching movies or TV together will never have the same enjoyment, going on a date night, running errands together....
I realize that this addiction effects every part of him, and most of it I can not see like other substance addictions. I don't want my life to be filled with uncertainty, anxiety, distrust. I can't ever know if his mind is healed. I thought he was healing but he just got better at hiding it.
But thank you again, I do need to remind myself that I deserve to be loved, not just that I need it.

@desperatehousewife thank you for your offer and suggestion. Last night I was reading a post of yours about the meetings you are going to and thought that I may benefit from attending one for myself. I may contact you, and appreciate your offer.

 

This got me thinking - I'd like to attend face-to-face mtgs too, and the "powerlessness" issue doesn't fly with me in regards to 12-step programs either. I wish there was some type of on-line meeting. Maybe someone knows? I'm not even sure if there are any in my area. I could probably over-look the "powerlessness" issue if I felt the group was helpful overall. I have heard that sometimes these groups focus more on blaming the wife (heard this in multiple places and even from my therapist), so I am a bit concerned about exposing myself to any more trauma.

 

@MsPants, this is heart wrenching to me that you are going through this. I remember older posts from you where you discussed your situation, and your story provided me with so much hope that this addiction can be overcome, especially with the support of an SO. I long for that type of support, and perhaps I will get it one day from my own wife, but reading about his betrayal is infuriating because some men do not realize what they have. They take their relationships for granted and leave a trail of destruction behind, and unfortunately you are experiencing that destruction. The fact that you have a teenage daughter that's involved makes it even worse. There's a lot of your situation that resonates with me, and I wish I can offer hope and solutions or even the perfect advice that would help you. Based upon what you've written already in this thread, you appear to have a solid handle on this situation even though that doesn't necessarily mean you know the proper path to take.

I'm an addict, and I understand how an addict operates. I understand the motivations for lying in order to keep my addiction hidden out of shame and guilt. I can relate to taking whatever actions and precautions necessary to keep my wife in the dark while indulging my addiction and fueling secrecy and deception. I've come to understand that there is no cure from porn addiction. It's a constant battle that will require commitment and diligence from the addict to overcome, now and always. The fight will get easier, of that I'm confident, but the porn addict can never let his/her guard down or it will come back with a vengeance. You can support this for sure, but that's all you can do. You can be the perfect SO and the perfect AP, but you can't cure the addiction, fight his battles, or force him to recover. His motivations need to come from him and him alone. He needs to fight this and he needs to recover. He needs to understand what's at stake, and take all the necessary steps to progress. Based upon what you've written, the lies and the deception that you've uncovered, do you have any faith that he can get to the point where he is in recovery? I know that's the question you are currently struggling with, and only you can measure what you know of him along with his betrayal and determine what's best for you and your daughter. My heart goes out to you, and I'm here to support you in any way I can.

 

After reading your journal here, my heart breaks for you and your situation, I am so sorry. However, I don't think you're after pity here, so I'll give you my perspective. I'm sorry if anything I'm about to say sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to say it how I see it.

I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this yet, but how much of this situation is transparent to your daughter? I'm worried that you're showing her that staying in a relationship is more important than trust, self respect, honesty and transparency in one's partner. How much longer are you going to keep putting your own health and sense of well-being on hold while you wait for your guy to open his eyes? Threats and ultimatums don't seem to work, so maybe it's time to follow through? In the end it's not up to you to cure him or end his addiction, but perhaps you can be the catalyst for change if you leave him. He needs to know there are solid, real-world consequences to his actions, and he needs to understand that his addiction isn't only affecting him.

 

@zathura thank you for your thoughts and support. It means so much to me right now. Reading that my story was inspiring to you actually hurts now, knowing all along my support for my SO was manipulated and I feel like a complete fool thinking things were getting better.

You mentioned that this addiction is one that he will battle the rest of his life....that is the biggest issue for me. I don't want to sit by the rest of my life worried, anxious, suspicious, feeling crazy, questioning everything, worrying about every single time I go out in public with him, worrying every time he is out in public without me....the worries are endless. That is no life for me to live. Before all of this, I did not have the insecurities I now have and hate that his addiction has created panic attacks and anxiety. I had one this afternoon while driving to get groceries for dinner with my daughter. I couldn't make it to the store because I saw a woman crossing the street....I brought home fast food instead and will have to go out tomorrow for real groceries. Why should I live like this? And why should I spend the rest of my life with him feeling like this? I am coming to realize the extent of what I am giving up to be with him. I was angry and numb for an entire week and now the emotions are starting to flow. My daughter should definitely not have to be consoling her mom and worrying about me (my SO should have been doing that all along). I'm supposed to be there for her. She is so very strong, loving, compassionate and understanding.

@Jen@8675309 thank you for your thoughts as well. They were not too harsh, they are dead on. I have been thinking about my daughter and the impact this has on her, as well as what she is learning from me. I left her dad after 10 years for her, because I never wanted her to settle and be in a relationship that I was in and just live a loveless life for the sake of staying together. I want her to be strong and have the high self respect that she deserves. Initially I thought working this through the last time was showing her that it is important to create a loving relationship, that you shouldn't just run away from things, that giving your loved one a chance to redeem themselves is beneficial when they are committed. Our counsellor also pointed out how valuable a lesson it is to see me working through things in a healthy way (he said this during my SOs fake reboot). She is well aware of his addiction, something I decided to tell her when I kicked him out the first time and thinking it was over at that time. I never told her all details, more what the symptoms are and why it's so horrible, especially in a relationship because I realize how prevalent this addiction has become and it is a secret one. I never want her to have to deal with this addiction as it destroys both people involved.

Originally I was thinking I was setting a good example of how to problem solve. Now the pendulum has swung the other way and is sending a horrible message like you mentioned in your response. She deserves to have a man that will cherish her, treat her with the loving respect that she deserves and I would hope that she leaves a relationship that gives her any less. Right now, I am showing her that I think I am not worth more than the leftovers of his addiction. That message will lead my daughter down the worst path in life. One that I am now struggling with. I have to be strong like I was before all of this. Thank you again for your input.

 

You got this, you're gonna get through and persevere. We're all rooting for you here no matter which track you choose to handle this. I greatly admire your strength and courage, and please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

 

Thank you so much. It's been an emotional day and need to get encouragement. Thank you