Starting day 1!

Is your mother disappointed because of your P addiction or because of another reason (you don´t need to share if you are uncomfortable with it)?

 

When my wife found out and kicked me out of the house, I went 10 days. I wasn't even trying. I was just so in shock about the thought of losing it all that it didn't cross my mind. But the thoughts and urges will come back. Especially if things go well with your SO. Once things get back to "normal" you really have to be on guard. That's when that voice in your head starts messing with you.

Good luck to you. I don't have a ton of advice to offer. I stopped a lot of things and cut way back on PMO. But I'm just now starting to take that seriously. We're all in this together.

 

Some people think they can breeze through a reboot, but breaking an addiction is very difficult. After eight months I still have many of the same cravings, but once I got by detox stage I realized I have a lot more willpower and can reject the frequent temptations that I feel.

So, to reiterate what you said: you still watch porn (edge) but you don't masturbate? That's some serious willpower right there! Have you identified what you feel right before you want to watch something? Are you angry? Depressed? Are you trying to escape? Be entertained? Be stimulated? Is it a ritual or routine? Do you have a particular device you prefer to use?

You need a toolbox of things to keep you distracted when an urge crops up. You need to train your brain to do something else as soon as the thought/desire/temptation hits you. You cannot allow your brain to linger on impure thoughts. It's tiring and exhausting but it's the only way to get through the detox period. Have things to do that don't involve the preferred viewing device. Have a book handy. Have a list of chores to do. Think about starting a hobby that takes you away from the computer. Do things in public and away from the house so that you won't have the opportunity to indulge. Strip away your privacy... keep doors open and shades open... and stay in the parts of the house where people are hanging out. Leave your device in another room when you go to bed. Throw away or delete your porn stash. Keep a journal... think about a paper journal if you don't want Ms.Pants to see your raw thoughts and emotions. Exercise near bedtime so that when it's time for bed you don't start thinking of porn... your body will want to go right to sleep. Don't stay in bed in the morning and daydream. Write down the lies you know your brain is going to try to whisper to you to get you to relapse... be prepared with truthful statements that counter the lies... you have to brainwash yourself into doing the right thing. Set small goals and reward yourself in healthy ways when you succeed... condition your brain to turn towards positive things instead of porn.

Add a counter to your signature and take pride in that number as it rises. It is the summation of your progress. It is a tangible thing that reflects all the hard work you are putting forth in your head. Think about the disappointment you will have in yourself if you have to reset it.

You have to hit this addiction with your full force in the beginning. Shock and awe. If you give your addiction an inch then it will take a million miles. Remember, you are changing brain wiring. You are changing deeply ingrained behavior. You are changing the way you think and feel on a fundamental level. Once you get by the first few weeks you will develop other tools and skills, you will have more willpower, you will regain your self-esteem and self-worth. If you faithfully put these steps into practice then you will surely find success on your journey.

 

Hey welcome back on the trolley! I tried to do this without help, and thought I could just stop, and it would be no problem. So. Many. Times. I didn't even realize how many times I tried, now that I've started to look back over the years. I think that, each time I went back to my old habits, I just thought "well... didn't work... oh well... not that big of deal." I had to lose everything to get it. I'm glad you only had to almost lose it!

I found a massively helpful technique I used for the first several weeks/months. I recognized that the what made me give in to the urges, even when I didn't want to, was that the urge was uncomfortable, and I would feel better/relieved after O. So I was making a logic-based decision, just not on all the available data. Put another way, I was making a very short-sighted decision. I didn't have to look days or weeks ahead to change the cost-benefit analysis in favor of recovery. I actually just had to extend my assessment another 10 to 60 minutes. I needed to bring the feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, disgust, self-loathing, etc. that follow a relapse. Yes, I would feel relieved in the moment, but within minutes I would feel far worse than before PMO, or MO.

So, short version of that paragraph: whenever I felt tempted, I would forcefully remind myself of what I would feel like after relapsing. The momentary relief of the O was no contest for the deep disgust I'd feel with myself after PMO. "What does 20-minutes-from-now-me want me to do right now?" Keeping it within that short time frame made it easier to battle the very short-sighted urge to fap.

If you're interested, I found a few very effective faith-based (I'm Catholic) tools as well. Let me know if you want to hear about those.

 

I didn't start to heal for real until the 9th day of my first Novena to St. Jude. I don't know your beliefs, but if I was in your place, I'd start praying several times daily to Sts. Jude, Joseph, and John-Paul II, and of course the Blessed Virgin. Her most of all. It is said that one cannot continue in sin and continue to say the rosary. One will either stop sinning, or stop saying the rosary.

 

I guess it comes down to this: how much do you want to jerk off to naked chicks, versus how much do you want to be with your SO? It sounds like only one of those things is going to happen for you. You need to make a decision and understand the consequences. The one is really quick and easy, and we've all got into the habit here. The other takes much longer and let's face it, SOs are people so they're not a "prepackaged fantasy" and they can be annoying sometimes. But at the end of the "quick and easy" road there's going to be you, alone and lonely, maybe a couple of divorces under your belt, kids who think you're a loser, jerking it to a bunch of pixels at age 70 and being completely unable to get hard or get off while you're wondering what the f*** happened to your life ... check out the 40+ journals if you think I'm kidding around, and be glad that you're not at that point yet! And at the end of the "SO" road there's contentment, kids, satisfaction, and actual activities (solo or shared) that aren't compulsive and shameful for you to do.

Tomorrow's always another day, and it's always easy to quit "tomorrow". But that's why you're 38 right now, still addicted to porn, because it's always easier to get real "tomorrow", but it takes real grit to start to get your shit right today.

You may want to also figure out your motivations. Are you only doing this for a girl? If you are - well, what happens if she "doesn't know"? It's way easier to justify hiding and lying then, and that shit is completely toxic in a relationship. And it's going to blow up in your face, too... it's a matter of "when", not "if", and the longer it takes the worse it's going to be. Is your motivation strong enough to keep you away from a decades-long habit, even when times are tough? So figure out your motivations. Is it family? Do you want your mom and dad to be proud of you? Is it self? Do you want to not be that decrepit 70-year-old leech, leering at chicks and creeping everyone out? Is it religion? Is it personal satisfaction at having conquered your compulsive self? Maybe it's something else? You don't have to tell us your motivations (some say that it's helpful if you do) but if you don't look at that they are, you might not have that core of strength to draw on when you need it most.

Welcome - and good luck!

Edit: also, don't worry about telling other people at the factory. I haven't told the people that I work with and I sure as hell am not going to. A gambling addict doesn't have to advertise it to the world, they just need to get clean so they can get their shit together. If you want to talk to others - talk. If you want to keep it on NoFap - keep it here. Your choice, and whatever it is, anyone who disagrees with it should be told to bugger off.

 

Hi @Mr.pants , welcome to NoFap

It is a big step if you can understand what is triggering your urges, because this will allow you to be awake and kill those urges as soon as they appear.

I recommend you to create your own "Emergency Toolbox" with readings that can be handy to read when you start feeling urges to screw up.
I can share this post with you with my own Emergency Toolbox, it helped me a lot during the first few months, i had them in my cell and read them every time I started falling down:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-320-days-of-reboot.62938/#post-473978

I wrote some tips in this post that perhaps will help you too:

http://NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/tips-that-helped-me-to-start-my-reboot.46617/#post-330318
You can watch some interesting videos which are also very helpful in this post:
http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?th...t-help-me-a-lot-during-my-reboot.39774/page-2

I also suggest you to read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, it is a must-read if you are serious about getting rid of this addiction.

Last but not least, I would strongly recommend you to take the NoFap Academy course if you can afford it. The course is great but the best value are the weekly video calls with @alexander (the creator of NoFap and NoFap Academy) and Mark Queppet, where you can chat with them in real life and listen to other guys's stories and problems too.

I hope that all this helps you to fight this shitty addiction.
Let's keep on fighting

Fercho

 

That is great advice - thanks for this.

 

Be prepared for another rough few days. You are at the peak of the addiction cycle. Every addiction has a relapse cycle in the range of 7-10 days... some much shorter... some multiple times a day. After the previous relapse, the body feels satiated and emotional tension is at it's lowest, but throughout the week the underlying emotional tension starts to build, and it needs to find a way to be released or the addict feels like they're going to explode. Addicts act out in desperation to drain off the emotional stress. This is the time to be on high alert and to not put yourself in a position to relapse... learn to live with the tension and trust it will eventually dissipate or find other healthier ways to bleed off the tension. Spend time with people. Exercise. Get out of the house. Don't fall victim to the 'I'll just take a peek' lie. Come here and say 'hi' to some new ones.

I know things are hard with your SO. That is a situation that is largely out of your control and it's probably driving you crazy. Just remember that your new life started 7 days ago. There is no way to rush this recovery process. Action speak louder than words. If you can't communicate directly then write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Write them in a letter form to your SO if necessary. Above all - remain sober! If the door opens and she asks 'what have you been working on?' or 'what have you discovered about yourself?' or 'how do you feel about how you treated me?'... then you will have something concrete that you can show that you are making progress. Don't be defensive... take interest in how SHE is feeling. The initial few weeks are filled with epiphanies and discoveries about yourself and you might be dying to share them, but only share these if she is interested.

Our addiction has closed us off from having healthy relationships with others. Addicts are not adept at forming healthy relationships. At some point our addiction became the primary relationship in our life and all others have suffered. Now, without porn, we can feel adrift and disconnected and lonely.

While in the depths of our addiction we acted more like animals than humans. We are trying to reclaim our humanity during recovery. That takes time. One book I read said that we must reconnect with family, friends, community, ourselves, and God (if you're religious). By interacting with others we regain our human qualities. We relearn how to be compassionate, empathetic, patient, loving, thoughtful, and kind. All qualities that you will need to show to your SO if you get another chance.

Unfortunately, this is the price we pay for the choices we have made. Taking responsibility involves accepting the consequences for our actions. We can blame the addiction... and the addiction does share some blame... but we must accept what we have done and make the necessary changes. Many times making amends comes much later. It cannot be rushed or take place BEFORE real interior changes have already been made. There is a reason why it is Steps 8 & 9 in the 12-Step program. Trying to make amends too soon can be a form of manipulation or a selfish way of minimizing the damage we have caused. Making promises to someone we have hurt deeply are merely empty promises in the beginning. It's good to want to make amends. But during the first few weeks you need to focus on fixing YOU. To be honest... that takes months. Don't be discouraged. You are on the right path.

Just remember, sobriety takes place 1 step / 1 day / 1 decision / 1 temptation at a time. You've had 7 good days... focus on the 8th. Keep up the good work!