Hi Everybody!

Hey everyone,

I thought it was time I introduced myself, i never do these things and I hope it's okay. I'm Sarah and I've been addicted to porn since I guess about 8 years old.

I don't know if there are any triggers in here for some people, but just incase I'm warning you now!

I discovered masturbation at a young age, at around 5 years old and didn't understand the feeling or concept, I just liked it. It didn't help that my dad had playboy that was poorly hidden away later that year. Two years later I was using a computer my parents had for homeschooling and I looked up sex when nobody was around because, why not? I saw words like that tons of times in those "magazines" and i was curious because I was a child. Unfortunately what I found was a softcore imageboard of completely naked men and women, and as I scrolled through the pages it gave me a strange rush of excitement and euphoria.

I never did anything but look at the pictures for about another year. Since i had masturbated for about those three years I had the understanding that when horny if I touched myself a certain way I would get pleasure and then it would build up and release even more pleasure. I dont know why, but I decided to try and masturbate when looking at those pictures because I liked the way they made my body feel sexually. HUGE mistake, it was the biggest rush of pleasure I've ever felt in my bloody life after orgasming. So naturally I started doing the two together because it felt better than just on it's own.

I became increasingly distant and secretive with everyone including my family members and masturbating more to porn. Ads on those sites linked to hardcore porn and by the time I was about 12 I was looking up things like gang bangs and a whole bunch of other rubbish when nobody was up at night. I developed brain fog, memory problems, anxiety and my school was really suffering. I couldnt grasp a lot of things and I had problems learning anything so my mum would just help me through everything. Yet I remember before I started porn i felt okay and was loving school.

I got a job when I was 16 at a company because I dropped out of school and didn't want to see my failing/low grades anymore. I got raises and was good at my job until I was 23, and that was when my porn addiction really accelerated. My area was having a work shortage at that time, so my gaffer got us to do random stuff and didn't really care what we did so we mainly pretended we were working or just hid. I was bored so I figured I would hide out in the trailers where nobody was working and I'd look up porn. I used rule 34 to look up all my favourite games and characters and since nobody came to get me I would spend like an hour or two browsing and downloading images to my phone. I think I would look up and download porn for a total of 6 hours a day... It felt like my body was getting weaker, wouldnt want to interact with anybody, always grumpy and just wanted to be left alone so I could have my fix. I consciously knew I had a problem for years and "tried" to stop, and ended up going back because i told myself that nothing good happened when I stopped and there was no harm in doing it.

It wasnt until this year when I was made redundant that I realized I was in too far. I was devastated after being let go and so I was depressed; obviously I had more time to do anything I wanted. Well it just resulted in more and easier porn, but it wasn't until a couple months after I sought out more hardcore porn it never felt like it was enough. I was typing things I won't mention here but it made me disgusted and ashamed. Then we come to now, I stopped looking up porn a couple of weeks ago and was still masturbating. Yet even though I stopped m'ing, I still felt ashamed, depressed and became super tired/lazy and it would last for days. So I've realized that they have to go for good, because they're both connected to each other and I'll never get better even if I'm just m'ing since it still activates the porn pathways in my brain.

At a glance it's hard to think you can get addicted to porn or how it could have such a strong affect on the brain, but the science is there and I believe it.

Im sorry that was so long, I've never told anyone but my fiancé about my struggle with porn, and I guess he has been witnessing it firsthand and he's been so supportive and helpful. I just needed to get it off my chest and I figure by posting my addiction problem in detail would mean a personal commitment on my end to stay clean.

It's my first week clean of PMO, and I intend to stay that way. Thank you all for reading my story.

Have a brilliant day, cheerio!

 

Thank you! I'm sure with everyone's help on here I will.

 

My hope is that now that my brain is getting a chance to recover, things like food, the smell of flowers or even taking a walk will be pleasurable and not just going through the motions.

Only a week in and my fiancé has said I seem happier, I laugh more about things and my feet even seem to move to music now. I know it's way early to say that I'm better, but I do know I'm on the right path now and will do everything I can to stick to it.

I'm glad I found this wonderful community, I don't know what would of happened to me. Thank you!

 

It's so true, anytime I was sad, bored moody or whatever the reason, I would always use P or M to feel better. There was a lot of neglect and frustration in my family growing up and that was my escape for everything were it got to the point that I didn't care about anything.

Thank you for taking the time to post that!

 

I have slowly throughout the years figured out that a lot of my triggers are
related to my habits, so those have to change too!

I'm glad I stumbled across this site a year ago, it has so much info available it's insane. Thank you the encouragement!

 

I've never heard of FANOS before up until now, it's worth a shot and won't do any harm. I actually don't even remember the last time we were truly intimate with each other, he used to ask why I was so distant before and I would take offence to it, but now I understand.

Cuddling for 30 minutes sounds fun! Sometimes we cuddle in the morning but it's very rare. I will try that, thank you so much for the info!

 

Hey @Sarah Walker thanks for sharing so honestly!! I'm so sorry you struggled so badly during all these years!! But now that you're nofap journey, everything will fall in the right place eventually !! More strength & positivity to you !! How are you doing nowadays?

 

Cheers! Reboot wise I'm doing alright, still struggling with the obvious urges but mainly anxiety and depression, etc. Mostly going through personal issues right now, they're not going to but I hope they get better soon.

 

Yes I hope too that everything will be alright !! You will get better, just give it time & energy!! Goodluck to you on your journey!!

 

Cheers!