This is a bitter cocktail of emotions

NoFap activated something.

There are a lot of Emotions comming up and thoughts passing by concerning myself and my worth and skills, sometimes even contradicting.
Things like the following, which bring everytime tears in my eyes:

"I am not good enough, not motivated enough,

I am too close minded to make a change,

I should have won a physics competiton when I had the chance(this is a heavy one, that breakes my neck)

I should have started practicing earlier to be able to involve in a violin competiton , I should have won at least some competiton

I am not worth enough to get another chance, why should someone spend time on this shit?

what am I doing here in this silly forum? There is noone here who is really serious about that,

If my classmates would see me, I would loose my face,

my hair is falling out, strewed all over my desk, therefore my physical fitness is degenerating,

I am not fapping not because of my determination, but because I am just to lazy to open my belt.

This is not satisfying but that's it, there will be no change."


I am still utterly disgusted from Mastrubation and Porn, and not only that these feelings and sensations NOT tempt me to go back to old routines,
they even push me further away by increasing the disgust. I am now completely paralyzed.

I dont know if I would be at this point without joining NoFap. I was often in this situation, but never wrote simultaneously something down.

I hate it to use I I I I all the time. I know this is a sign, that my Ego is very active, and that stuff I wrote above is also a product made by It.
But I do not know a way to help me out.

EDIT:

I dont want to be premature, but it seems to me that I quit Mastrubation, at least the danger has passed for today.

 

What Am I supposed to do with all that stuff, nobody taught me that.

EDIT:
I know what I should do. Its the same stuff I tell others in these situations. But I only "know" it, and can not operate with that knowledge.
Its pretty much the same as if I wouldnt even know it.

 

This is heavily confusing. I am not sure if it was a good idea to write stuff like that down, or was this just an attempt of my EGO to dramatize my situation, to gain attention, and to make me a "very special case"?

Maybe this is part of the progress, but the frightening fact is, that this occurs many times.

 

Yes, thank you for your replies.

I hope that all these online activities will help people,

to naturally find back to there true self.

I am currently believing that the Ego is sitting very active,
waiting for replies, so that It can either enjoy compliments, or just enjoy pity.
I think this is one of the reasons why NoFap-Support does not work for everyone effectively.
Just to argue from a objective point of view:
Of course this must not be true, but I am feeling my Ego is craving for attention.
Maybe not in this thread.

Nevertheless, like you said, there is only the option to push through to look what happens.

But there is a thing that I didnt mentioned yet, which has to do with special kind of temptations. Relapsing to porn is something that will probably not happen. I gain awareness about that since I joined. But there is something else, which qualitatively different from online pornography.

I intentionally kept it back, because of the same reasons above (Ego driven).
I have no problem to write it out, but doubt that this is a destructive strategy.

 

It is important to learn techniques, how to create Ego-free rooms, like Morrow mentioned,
to really be HONEST, writing without editing afterwards, writing without restrictions,
not caring about the style, not caring about grammar, just puking. Since this is my first week,
I may have not realized yet, that these techniques are to be learned automatically during posts.

EDIT:

Someone called this " Psycho-hygienic puking"