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Starting day 1!

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Mr.pants, Sep 13, 2016.

  1. The advice I would give is to stop focusing on the streak. Treat each single day as one moment in time, and your only goal is to get through *today*. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so why worry about any potential triggers or temptations that haven't even happened yet? Full disclosure, I follow your wife and I'm pretty curious to see the other side of this, i.e. your journey. I'm rooting for this situation to have a happy ending but you're gonna have to really do some serious work here. The other advice I would give, and this is what worked for me, is to just completely stop looking at porn. Even if you have no intention of acting on it, those images will lodge in your head and that's just fodder that you will feed on the next time an urge hits. I honestly believe that if you start with no more porn, the streak will take care of itself and your urges will slowly lose power. Good luck!
     
  2. Dendrite

    Dendrite Fapstronaut

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    Brilliant to hear about your progress - and remember to keep the faith, with yourself and with others. Some of us have thought of going off the path and "hiding" relapses and resets, and it does seem like the easy and tempting option at the start ... who's gonna really know, right? ... but all that's really happening is that you're setting yourself up for a big, big explosion of unhappiness later on. Definitely not worth it. Honesty is much more difficult but also much more worthwhile.

    I'm going to slightly disagree with @Jen@8675309 here (but not too much!) ... I know the counters and streak thing don't work for everyone, but they seem to work for some. Use what works for you and find your own path - and as long as you are honest with yourself about what's working and what's not, I think you'll be fine in the long run.

    To steal another member's catchphrase ... keep on truckin'!
     
    Mr.pants likes this.
  3. @Dendrite, I do believe counters are a valuable tool! I guess what I was trying to say is sometimes it's easier if you get out of your head about the whole reboot, i.e. 90 days. It can be overwhelming when you start to think in those terms, so maybe focusing on just a day at a time helps, and then the streak will take care of itself :)
     
    Dendrite likes this.
  4. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 11

    Yesterday and last night was really tough. But I did it. I'm proud to say I did it. Im doing this for me now. I've wasted so much of my life with this. Living under this fog. I am done with it. I see where it has gotten me. I am so far behind where I should emotionally it's sad. However this is not a cry for sympathy. I made my bed and I must lay in it. Let's keep going. This isn't just a reboot now. It's a lifestyle change!

    Day 11 I'm ready!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  5. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Well done @Mr.pants. I know that you are really hurting right now in terms of your relationship with your SO and feeling guilt and shame regarding your actions as well was loneliness from the disconnect there. However, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, you really need to focus on you right now and breaking free from this problem. Wanting to restore that relationship and achieve reconciliation can certainly be a motivator on the journey but can't be the focus for you. You need to want healing and wholeness for yourself first and foremost. For many of us it took hitting rock bottom in order to provide the jolt needed to get serious about recovery. I hope and pray that you are at a point and place that you are "all in" with the recovery process. That you are ready to get real and honest with yourself, your spouse, family, friends, coworkers, etc.

    I can tell you from my experience that I tried the "half-ass" recovery approach for many many years and it just doesn't work. I think it was my own pride and ego that never really wanted to buy in to the fact that I had a real problem and was an addict. I wanted to view it as a cold that I could get over and be healed from and then not have to worry about it again. Problem is then I kept relapsing over and over again because I would let my guard down thinking I was cured and all better. It just doesn't work.

    I want to encourage you to keep on going, keep doing the hard work and keep the focus on you and your healing. What will be will be with your SO, but you can't focus on that or worry about that right now. You are right, it needs to be a lifestyle change, a change in the way you view the world, view women, view your relationships and most importantly...view yourself.
     
    Mr.pants and i_wanna_get_better1 like this.
  6. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 12

    Let's keep this going. Last night was tough again. The toughest yet. But I have a secret weapon. Ever since being kicked out I've gone back to live with my parents. And lately whenever there has been an urge I just go hangout with them. It keeps me honest and also I get to catch up with them a little more each day. It's a win win situation.

    It was mentioned to me where I want to be later in life. And I don't want to be a 70 year old man that beats off to porn. This is it. I'm done. Looking back porn has had no benefits to my life. It also degrades the women who star in them. I am starting to look at it differently. It's disgusting. I never thought that it could tear families apart. It's a shame that sex is everywhere. It just makes this battle that much harder because it comes at you from all angles.

    Day 12 I got you!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  7. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 13

    Day 12 is in the books! It was actually really easy. There were no urges at all yesterday. Is that normal? The ups and downs. Also I started doing more physical activity yesterday. I felt so cooped up from doing nothing since getting the boot that I had to get out. So I took a bike ride and I felt great! I felt amazing. For a while I forgot all my problems and low feelings! So with that I start everyday. I even have an app on my phone that maps it out so I can push myself each time to do better, or to go farther, or faster!

    Meeting a couple friends of mine for coffee today again to talk. I find the face to face interaction very soothing. It feels good to air problems. The 3 of us are fighting 3 different addictions but deep down the addiction and the symptoms are the same. We had a void and filled that void with poison.

    I'm going to stop calling this a reboot and start calling this a rebirth because that's what it is. I actually feel better going into today!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  8. Atomiccafe

    Atomiccafe Fapstronaut

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    Baller.
     
  9. Atomiccafe

    Atomiccafe Fapstronaut

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    this really gets at a deep question--how to respectfully include those whom we love and depend on in a journey that requires some real adjustments. It really helped my SO to understand the underlying structures affecting my irritability, etc. Figuring out to be honest together with a real human being is really hard but it's in the list of things I want to do instead of be a "leech."
     
  10. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 14

    The 2 week mark. These 2 weeks have been hell not only with my head but also my personal life. But I got here. I have to thank everyone who offered help or support. I am very glad for nofap. It's great to have an outlet, where people understand what's going on. Still in a funk but I refuse to let this be an excuse to slip!

    Coffee date was much needed yesterday. It's needed for me to see that I'm not the centre of the universe. It was great to talk to some people and have them offer support in person. Even a pat on the back got my spirits up. I really need to pick up a hobby to pass my down time. It's weird how when I was younger I could literally fall into something I would like. Now that I'm older and am putting thought into it I'm drawing a blank.

    Back to work today. I find work therapeutic now. I actually enjoy going to work. It's a nice break in doing nothing and it makes me take my mind off of all my others problems at least for a little bit!

    Day 13 was a success. Day 14 has started. Let's do this!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  11. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on 2 weeks! It is definitely the toughest two weeks of your recovery. I too viewed it as close to a hell-on-earth kind of experience that I had ever experienced. The good news is that as long as you don't get triggered then the physical withdrawal symptoms should start to subside. No more dopamine storms that come out of nowhere. No more body flushes, increased heart rate, insane cravings, or brain fog.

    Be prepared for the irrational mind games with yourself to continue. My urges got replaced with sudden, intense impulses to relapse. Even though the physical dependency is fading, the mental/emotional/behavioral components of the addiction are still there. The brain has to continue to rewire itself. But at least your body isn't betraying you.

    Continue to cultivate real life friendships... they can be extremely rewarding. Keep distracting yourself when urges arise... it will keep you out of auto-pilot mode. Search for new hobbies and challenges... it will help break up old mental pathways and get recycled into new behaviors. Eventually, your reboot will be complete and the new activities that you are starting will continue into your new life.

    Also, be aware of any new situations, emotions, feelings, or memories that may arise. Any issues or conflicts that you experience will now need to be addressed in healthy ways. When we are exposed to new stresses our mind will instantly turn to PMO as the solution. Steer your thinking away from that option.

    Also, PMO damped down our emotions and kept us feeling dull... now you will be experiencing things without a PMO distorted brain. You may still react with anger or frustration over relatively minor things. You may wake up one day and feel really moody for no reason. During our reboot, our emotions can swing like a pendulum until it finds it's final calm resting place.

    Continue to be patient. Be forgiving of yourself. Be proud of your accomplishment. Don't get overconfident. Don't trust yourself too much yet. Stay positive. 13 good days are in the book... concentrate on Day 14!.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2016
  12. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I've definitely noticed that I am more emotional about the smallest things. Even after I have calmed myself down I wonder why because the situation did not call for such a reaction. The worst part is I know it's only going to get worse. I'm starting to snap out of the funk I've been in and I think it's actually been a little too easy up until now.

    Now the real test begins
     
  13. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 15

    Starting week 3. This is getting serious. I find that I have to keep my self busy for much of the time. I am thankful to my friends whom said I can call or text anytime. I have used that a few times this week. I have to stay busy. Anytime I'm alone and doing nothing my mind is going every which way and I can see how it would be easy to relapse again. Seeing my therapist again tonight which I am happy for. He has done a world of good for me. Sorry for the short one today. Busier here at work more than usual, which is good because it makes me focus on my work instead of other things!

    Day 15 has begun!
     
  14. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 16


    The appointment with my therapist went well. I enjoy taking to him. I'm discovering even more about myself while with him than I ever have on my own. I know there are many self discoveries during the reboot because the fog begins to lift from your head but he helps me go into directions or think about things I wouldn't have on my own. One thing I'm realizing is I was/am a really shitty person. I hope it's from the addiction and that I wasn't that way on my own because I hate that person. It's hard to face your feelings like that. Yet it's also therapeutic. It has to be done. I need to find out why this all began. There were some crazy urges last night but powered through them by giving my phone away until i woke up this morning. Going to really try to find a new hobby or way to keep me busy because I can't work all the time!

    Day 16. I got this!
     
  15. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 17

    Well day 16 was a success but not as easy as I would've thought. Saw my SO yesterday and it brought back a whole rush of feelings that I wasn't ready for. Sorry my ex. I have to get used to saying that. It made me realize that even though I fel like I'm making great progress that even the slightest weakness I am on a possible collision course with a relapse.

    It's weird to have a relationship change so much so fast. That's what I wasn't ready for. It also makes me want to do this even more. I may not have a chance to reconcile but I won't do this to anyone again.

    Super busy at work now. Also working with guys that without even knowing what I'm going through will keep me on the straight and narrow. Just in that they are very hard workers and I will not be able to relax in their presence. I'm fine with that. I use it as a motivator.

    Day 16 is in the books. I'm only worried because we have crappy weather here and I will be stuck inside after work. Going to be a rough evening.

    Come on day 17!
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  16. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Work through the emotions. Don't bottle them up or ignore them. It's ok to feel sad, regret, or to think about where you went wrong, but beware of self-pity, obsessing, or depression. Work is good as a distraction but shouldn't be used to hide from problems. You're probably already aware of these things but I just wanted to remind you, especially since you just saw your ex. Stay strong today.
     
    WifeInTheDark and Mr.pants like this.
  17. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I want to second what @i_wanna_get_better1 said. That's sooooooo important! While distractions can play an important part in not acting out you also have to do the hard work of recovery too. Be sure you really spend time trying to identify what it is your feeling. I know that can be hard for us guys at times, but work at really asking yourself what you are feeling, try to name those emotions you are experiencing and then process through those by identifying what was behind that emotion. If you are like me and struggle with being able to even know what you are feeling and naming that, use this helpful cheat sheet of categories of emotions and the types that fall under each one. http://www.mymensgroup.net/uploads/7/8/1/1/78111116/soul_words.pdf For example, what this would look like is: last night you saw your ex. You might then realize you are feeling remorse, sadness, loss, etc. and what is behind those feelings is that you are feeling those things as a result of your actions and how you hurt her with those actions.

    Then after you get really good at that you can begin to do the same thing when you are faced with temptation. So for me, I might realize that I'm really struggling with not checking out the girls in yoga pants at the gym. I can then look at what am I feeling that is causing me to want to fantasize. I have learned that many times I'm feeling lonely or sometimes rejected and if I work to understand what is behind those feelings I'm feeling I can then see that it might be caused by a disconnect with my wife or perhaps something happened at work that day that I took personally and caused me to feel wounded. Why does all of that matter? Now if I am faced with temptation and I can identify what the feeling or emotions is that is leading me that direction and can identify what it was that caused me to feel that way I can work at choosing a healthy alternative to deal with that issue. If I realize I'm feeling lonely I can reach out to a friend for healthy connection and intimacy. If I'm feeling sad or wounded I can talk to that person about it (assuming they are a safe person) and allow them to practice empathy with me and now I don't feel so alone. This then becomes the new way of responding to these difficult emotions. Instead of trying to self-soothe with PMO and isolating, I am reaching out to others for healthy connection and intimacy to deal with the painful or difficult things I'm feeling.
     
  18. Atomiccafe

    Atomiccafe Fapstronaut

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    Wow Ted Martin. Thanks for laying it down. Mr.pants what we do in response to knowledge that we don't just somehow deserve happiness and fulfillment is what makes life exciting in a way. It's not automatic. There are people that think you can't really be a part of this messy world if you haven't experienced everything you touch turning to shit. That's my redneck version of the previous two posts but I agree with them. Don't let the emotions swing you around without recognizing them and being real with yourself. That means being honest about good things too. Not just what you're giving up but what makes life worth giving up porn. Keep it up.
     
    Ted Martin likes this.
  19. Mr.pants

    Mr.pants Fapstronaut

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    Day 18

    Well it was the hardest day I've had yet. I want to thank everyone for the tips and advice given to me lately. I definitely used it. Had the most contact with my ex since the separation and it's been a rough time. I really felt low last night and almost, almost relapsed. I mean it was really close. Honestly I thought of you guys and how I would have to write in here how I let you down. There's a lot riding on this. I feel great today. I think because I realize how close I came and chose not to act upon it!

    I understand what people are saying about using work as a distraction. That's what I mean. It kills time because I'm always surrounded by my co-workers and any and all urges are quelled. It's when I get homw from work and my mind relaxes and the low feelings come back is when I get worried and have to work extra hard. I know I have to face these feelings. Right now though it honestly makes me a better worker because I am so focused.

    Hopefully today goes better. I will keep you guys posted.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  20. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Well done! Use that success you had yesterday as an encourager and motivator for today and then the next day and so on. You are in a "living one day at a time" mode right now and that is ok. That is where you are supposed to be for now. It will get better and easier but right now that should be your focus. Just get through today without acting out. And then tell yourself that again tomorrow. Keep going brother!
     
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