My fiancé is breaking my heart.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Fallingapart88, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. Fallingapart88

    Fallingapart88 Fapstronaut

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    First I want to apologize for how long this is.

    Me and my fiancé have been together for 2 years and I just gave birth to our daughter about 5 months ago. I want to first say that most of the time I think he is an amazing individual and I do love him very deeply. I first found out about his addiction pretty early in our relationship by noticing all the videos and pictures of various girls on his phone. I told him how I felt about it and he admitted it had always been a problem for him and he'd stop. Well he didn't. He continued to look at it even after our many conversations of me telling him how bad it made me feel about myself, how I felt like it was cheating (would you feel like it was okay being in the same room with two people having sex, why is watching it on a screen any different?). I even seen that he had sent a naked picture of myself to a female coworker that found me attractive (she was bi, I'm not). That's about the time that I left. At least for a while. He called me saying how sorry he was, that he was drunk, (which I don't believe because he never drinks and hates all alcohol. I've never once seen him drink let alone be drunk and neither has any of his friends/family) had absolutely no feelings for the girl and just thought it was funny to tease her because he knew how much she liked me. I told him we could start our relationship over on two conditions. 1 that he would never speak to her again and 2 that there would be no more porn watching of any kind. It worked for a while and everything went back to normal until I found more pictures and videos on his computer and phone. Clips and gifs of porn and even pictures of ex girlfriends and female friends he has on Facebook that he had taken from their page. Like bikini pics, pictures of them that showed a lot of cleavage and whatnot. That hurt the most, suddenly it wasn't just random girls that do this for money, ones he'd never met. Now it's the girl next door, the ones I've met at his office party's, girls he went to school with, girls I've went to school with, girls he works with all the time, sees everyday. I've been cheated on in previous relationships and I swear this problem he has makes me feel the same way I did as being cheated on. The arguments always ended the same after I confronted him about it. He'd lie and try to make excuses then eventually admit to it and tell me he was done once again. Until I'd find more pictures and videos later on. I've even woken up in the middle of the night to him watching porn in the bed next to me while I was asleep. His addiction has messed with me so much these last 2 years. I used to not be a jealous person at all. Now i get pissed when he talks to another girl on Facebook or anything. Actually I've let it be known that he's not to anymore, and I'd never once ever would have thought I'd be that girl (the one that doesn't let their SO talk to other girls) I used to be so confident in how I looked and felt like I was a very attractive woman, now I feel like the ugliest person, especially while I was pregnant and now that I'm just 5 months postpartum. I even find myself hating every other girl on the street because I feel like he's undressing them and comparing me to them. I hate every girl he has on Facebook because I know he's probably fantasized about them at some point. Probably even had pictures saved of them before. I can't even watch a tv show or movie with him (especially if there's nuditity) without thinking to myself that he wants one of them more than me. I get nervous when he goes into another room with his phone or laptop even the bathroom thinking that he's in there watching porn or looking at and fantasizing to other girls he knows. I can't stop picturing those images and him looking at them, me laying in the bed next to him pregnant with his child and him doing the one thing he knows breaks me to pieces right next to me not even caring if I wake up and see it and I did. (That happened when I was 6 months pregnant). Of course he tells me that all this is about him and has nothing to do with me. That he loves me and finds me attractive and doesn't actually want anyone else. The other day I think I finally got through his head that I was done with it all. He finally agreed to couples counseling. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that he's just going to lie through the whole thing and continue on with his addiction and I just don't believe I have it in me anymore to keep going on like this. I just don't know how to trust him again and get over all the things that have already happened. Please if anyone has any advice I need it. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I want the old me back. I want the old us back. I want to walk into a room full of people and feel like I'm confident and beautiful again instead of feeling like he's wanting all the other girls in there instead of me.
     
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  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. You found the right place to come and find support. People arrive here all the time in the exact same situation as you - they are hurt, confused, and angry over their Significant Other's (SO) porn use. When an SO discovers the extent of their partner's porn usage it can be very devastating. It is a betrayal of everything you hold dear between you two. You have every right to think and feel the way you do. This is not your fault. You did not make his problem worse. And it sucks to feel powerless because you cannot change him.

    What your SO has is an addiction... an addiction as powerful as drug abuse or alcoholism. I'll try to explain some of what goes on inside the head of an addict... this in no way justifies or excuses his behavior... but hopefully it will explain why he does it and why he is compelled to continue this behavior even though he knows how damaging it is. Addicts use events/images/objects to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape negative emotions. It can be as simple as boredom or loneliness, as serious as childhood trauma, or to cover over legitimate mental health problems like depression or anxiety. In our teenage years, boys discover porn and find it exciting. But a boy with an addictive personality will use the release of those powerful brain chemicals as a coping mechanism for any kind of stress or relief. Not only does the person develop an emotional dependence, but also a physical dependence and will experience withdrawal symptoms when they try to stop. The addict will also develop a tolerance and they will escalate their behavior to achieve the same medicated state of mind. They may use it more frequently, search out more stimulating forms of porn, or cross over into real world activities.

    Addicts go into a trance or autopilot mode when consuming their object of addiction. While in the trance there is no pain and no judgment. Parts of the brain literally shut off that control higher reasoning like their moral conscience and decision making. An addict can binge for hours or watch porn several times a day in an attempt to stay in that state of nirvana. The comfort they receive from this is an illusion. But here is the illness part of the equation... instead of turning to true sources of comfort an addict will dive deeper into their addiction in the hopes that it will make him happy. It is an impossible search quest because it is an illusion. The problem is not sexual... it is emotional... and it cannot be reasoned with rationally.

    Addicts also form relationships with their object of addiction. They learn that porn can consistently and reliably make them feel better. Soon it becomes the primary relationship and the SO becomes a distant second. They love their addiction more than they love their SO and they will protect their addiction at all costs. People are unreliable and untrustworthy to an addict. They believe that porn is their only solace. They build walls around themselves to protect the additive relationship. They develop addictive logic that cannot be broken through with common sense. Giving an addict more love and understanding won't work either. They will use it to feel better, but they won't use it to change. You could be the perfect partner and it won't make a difference to the addict. This is why this is NOT your fault. This is why you haven't broken through to him. This is why you cannot fix him.

    Going to a therapist together might help. But I went to several therapists with my wife and lied at every session. Until the addict admits he is an addict and that it is a SERIOUS problem then there can be no healing. Many addicts need a rock-bottom moment to wake up. Only when the pain of continuing the addiction becomes greater than the ability to numb it does the addict realize that something needs to change.

    To be honest, there is no way to have a healthy relationship with an addict in denial. Would you tolerate a drug addict in your home? A compulsive gambler? An alcoholic? You cannot trust any one of those people. They will hurt you and betray you over and over again because they have compulsive behaviors that they do not understand or have the desire to stop. Women often feel guilty because they don't trust their addicted SO. Withdrawing trust is a way for you to protect yourself emotionally from the abusive partner. He does NOT deserve your trust. He has shown he does not put your needs first.

    Addicts are very much a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde... there are things that are lovable and there are things that are detestable. The innocent person has a hard time reconciling those emotions. But the longer the addiction goes on the more good qualities will start to disappear. Addiction does not deescalate or stay static... it always escalates and gets worse unless there is an intervention. Many SO's have set boundaries and explained what expectations are now expected from them and that there will be escalating degrees of consequences. The status quo is no longer acceptable. Some men have woken up from their porn coma, others have not. Some need to feel the pain of those consequences before waking up. But at least the innocent person no longer feels like a powerless victim.

    I'm sure others will chime in and offer their advice. Feel free to ask questions to this community. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need.
     
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2016
  3. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    Reading your post really struck a chord with me. The first time I realized that my husband was addicted to porn was horrifying. When I was pregnant with our first child, I was so sick that I was bedridden. So sick that the only time I left my bed, was to crawl on my hands and knees to the bathroom. I couldn't feed myself. My husband would come home from work each night and, instead of feeding me or caring for me, would go to his computer and pmo for long periods of time. During that time, I wished for death. It was sickest and most depressed and most alone I'd ever been.

    We'd been to counselors in the past. He lied and lied and lied. His true love was his mistress - porn. Everything else was secondary and only stood between him and his mistress; his job, his wife, his children.

    I've also woken up in the wee hours of the morning to an empty bed. I've stumbled upon porn more times than I care to think about. Just thinking back to those moments makes my blood pressure rise and my hands sweat. The fury I would feel, looking at evidence that he was STILL lying to my face and betraying me, betraying US, betraying our faith, betraying our family, betraying our future. And then the low self-esteem and the feeling of doom, that I was trapped in a hopeless relationship where I was NEVER going to feel loved and special. Ever. That's a hard pill to swallow. Never is a long, long time.

    My advice? Trust your gut.

    You're right. He's going to lie. He doesn't want to change. As much as he "loves you", and wants you to be happy, HE LOVES PORN MORE. He gets his happiness and dopamine rushes from his addiction, not from you. You know how they've put people in MRI machines and shown them pictures of loved ones and they can see the pleasure centers of the brain light up? People get a rush of dopamine (pleasure), oxytocin (bonding hormone), and other happy chemicals just by looking at a photo of someone they love. But if you're acquainted with "your brain on porn", you know that this same chemical process is NOT happening with your fiancé. His true love, his true happiness is porn.

    You have to come to terms with the fact that the old you, as a couple, is over. They are gone. You will NEVER have that level of trust again. You can never have back that level of confidence again. It's destroyed. It's gone. Those two people don't exist anymore. They've evolved into the people you are now. That's your new reality.

    Is there hope? Maybe.

    My husband is @i_wanna_get_better1 He's been clean for something like 284 days....of our almost 18 year marriage. It's been the most open and honest portion of our marriage. But I doubt very much that he will ever be able to make me feel like he has eyes only for me. I know that he will never find me as attractive and sexy as the catalog of porn stars that live in his head. Because, even though he's porn free, those people are still alive and well in the corners of his mind. He fights against them. He fights relapsing.

    I admire his struggle as he continues to fight against the way of life that he indulged in for all of his adult life. He is truly committed to being a different person, a better version of himself. I see the effort. The commitment to this new self. He struggles. He really, truly fights tooth and nail to not slip back into his old life. There is a lot on the line.

    My question to you is....is that enough for you? IF he truly gives up the porn and manages not to resent you for it (which is how my husband felt whenever he temporarily gave it up), will you be happy knowing that you are settling for the life you'll have together? If so, than more power to you. If not, it may be time to take stock of your life and determine where your personal "line in the sand" is. How much are you willing to take and no more? Only you can say. But this is your one and only life. You can't get this time back. Each day that you spend is spent and unrecoverable. How much of your future is going to be spent this same way? Feeling Insecure and feeling unloved and doubting? Settling for someone with a history of lying to you and making you feel "less than". Is this what you feel you deserve?
     
  4. Fallingapart88

    Fallingapart88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you both for replying to my post. I cried through both of your messages and honestly still have no idea what I'm going to do. I know whatever option I choose I will probably regret it eventually. Neither one is easy, neither one will give me what I want, but at least with this site I understand a bit more. Some of these stories make me incredibly sad and some do the opposite and give me a bit of hope. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. Someone on here told me to try to think of his addiction like you would an alcoholic. I've been trying to do that but I just find myself (and I know it's wrong but I can't help it) wishing he were an alocoholic instead. At least then it could actually make sense to me. He'd be craving something that I couldn't give him. I know that sounds awful but it's the way I feel.
     
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  5. I don't know what I can add that hasn't already been so eloquently spoken, but perhaps I can offer a little perspective from the other side. I'm fighting my own PMO addiction, and pretty much everything that has been posted on here is true. The addict is in a fog, and doesn't consider any consequences of feeding their addiction. All too often, the addict doesn't wake up until they hit a rock bottom. I'm guessing your fiance hasn't had that yet. The hard part is, until or unless he decides for himself that he has a problem, there's really not much you can do to force the issue. You said that you left, he made promises, and then you came back. I'm not in any way saying you are enabling him! Rather, I'm saying that has learned that there are no real consequences and doesn't feel there's any lasting harm. You can give him all the ultimatums that you want, but please be ready to follow through on them, and please be ready to start taking care of yourself if he shows no signs of wanting to heal from this. I would greatly encourage you to implore him for honesty in the counseling, and you will know if he's hiding. A good counselor will also know if they're simply being told what the addict thinks they want to know, and will pick up on that. My heart aches for you, and I sincerely hope you find resolve. We're all willing to listen and help here if you feel comfortable in sharing your struggles with us.
     
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  6. Sarah, you have my deepest sympathy, and I certainly don't envy you for the decisions you are about to make. As usual, @i_wanna_get_better1 hit the nail on the head, but I just felt the need to chime in and stress how important it is to take care of yourself and your daughter right now, first and foremost. You are a strong woman for taking all this emotional abuse and still trying to make things work. You found this forum to reach out for help, when it should have been him. You are questioning yourself, when he should question his own actions. You still love him, even though it's clear that he loves P more than you.
    I'm also quite far in my recovery, and I owe a crucial part of that progress to my wonderful wife who suffered from my addiction for almost 15 years, 15 years of me being in complete denial. That being said, I'm prone to advertising the "working things out together" approach, so please take my words with a grain of salt. On the other hand, did my wife do the right thing by taking the abuse for all those years? I always tell her that I never stopped loving her in all those years, but I admit that the addiction gradually took away my ability to have feelings, slowly turning me into a selfish, misanthropist, delusional jerk. Are you ready to endure all this for another year, for five years, for a decade?
    The term "rock-bottom" was mentioned already in this thread. While it's true that you can't force your fiancé to admit his problem, you can try to bring forward that rock-bottom moment. Setting boundaries and consequences is a good start, but for anything more than that, you're basically on your own. My personal rock-bottom was the moment my wife was convincingly bringing up divorce, and I was inclined to give up my marriage in favor of the fake fantasies I was pursuing. I realized that I won't be able to live up to my false promises, again, and that was the moment I admitted the problem. Sadly, I had to come to that conclusion myself. Addicts are experts at creating false logic, ignoring the obvious, drawing attention away from themselves, so it's near impossible to reach them with reason or common sense. You might take a look at the struggles of @Arkansasdaisy, especially her threads Husband coming home, I am so proud of myself and Dissolution of marriage. I'm tagging @fupornwife so she can invite you to the private SO support group, if you haven't applied already. Feel free to skim through my own journal as well, to see a live example that recovery is very much possible and can lead to relationship that is stronger and in numerous ways better than before.
    Again, never forget that this is not your fault, and you don't deserve to be treated like this. No matter which direction you take from here, we will still be here to support you. If your fiancé decides to seek help, I would be the first in line to give him a helping hand.
     
  7. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    It doesn't sound awful. It sounds like exactly how I feel. My husband has said the same, that he wishes he was an alcoholic instead. If he were an alcoholic he could tell people publically and most would support him in his fight to stop drinking. Porn and sex addiction has this isolation and shame that isn't there in the same way as it is with other addictions.

    The thing is, you are right, you can't give him what his brain is craving. No matter how hard you try you can't compete with the 24-7 access to any number of sex acts, body types, fetishes and zero needs, emotions or demands from a screen as opposed to a real live woman. BUT, the good news is, with hard work and healing, it IS possible for what you can give him: conversation, love, healthy sex and affection, ect, to become way better than what porn can offer him. My husband hit 90 days of a hard mode reboot (we have continued having sex but he has abstained from O) yesterday and what we have right now, as far as our relationship and sex life, is SO much better than it has ever been. And he doesn't feel so ashamed and dirty like he did before. So the good news is, there is hope.

    But, as other people have said here, the addict does have to reach the point where he or she is ready to change. The addict has to be willing to put in the hard work of changing and healing the relationship. A reboot, FANOS and karezza is what worked for us. See links in my signature. Turn sideways if you are on a phone.
     
  8. Fallingapart88

    Fallingapart88 Fapstronaut

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    So yesterday I finally made my fiancé sit down and actually have a conversation with me about all of this. Most of the time it's a screaming match when we talk about his problem (me screaming more than him). I still can't get him to actually admit he's an addict. He'll say he has a problem, but he continues to say he's not addicted. He believes that when we go to the couples counseling that I'm going to be told that what he's doing is normal male behavior. He didn't say those words exactly but that's what I believe he was trying to get accross. He keeps saying that I'm just really insecure and he's right about that, but the thing is I wasn't. I wasn't before this relationship. He's still going to go to the counseling he also agreed to give up his cell phone and me and him went and got him a flip phone. He can still get on the internet on it because apparently they make no phones where you can't. But it'll be much more difficult for him to, and I also let it be known that it will be checked whenever I want and he agreed. I've been trying to get him on this site but he just won't. Maybe eventually, I know it could help him. So this is where we are right now. In limbo, trying to find a counselor that'll take our insurance, but is also open on weekends so he don't have to miss work. Seems like that'll never happen. I finally get him to agree to counseling and now I can't find one. I'd laugh if I wasn't so depressed.
     
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  9. Baby steps, @Sarah081016. He's agreed to go to counseling, he agreed to give up his phone and his right to privacy on that. I know it seems so hard right now, but these are promising signs of progress. If he thinks he's doing what he think is normal for all guys....let him. Your counselor will quickly disabuse him of that notion, and often the ones closest to us don't listen to us. For some reason, the same message coming from a 3rd party sinks in. I'm rooting for you.
     
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  10. Fallingapart88

    Fallingapart88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I hope your right. I can see that it's progress I just wish he'd at least admit to the addiction. I know at this point he's just trying to say and do these things so I'll stick around cause he sees that he's about to lose me and his daughter. I think he's just trying this out thinking that I'll eventually give in, let him have his phone back and he can just go back to having his cake and eating it too.
     
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  11. It's definitely possible that he is just seeing this as a storm to weather and then he can just return to status quo. It's going to be up to you to refuse to let it stay there, and be prepared to do what you need to do for yourself and your daughter if it comes to that. Until/unless he decides for himself that there's a problem, nobody can force change on him. I would kindly suggest that you hope you're wrong about him, and prepare to be right about him.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2016
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  12. Fallingapart88

    Fallingapart88 Fapstronaut

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    You're right, you're totally right. I guess where I've gotten my hopes up so many times this is just me trying to protect myself. So that if it happens again I don't just fall to pieces again. He has came this far, agreeing to the counseling, giving up his phone and privacy. That is something. Maybe he is at least trying this time. This addiction of his has been growing for years, since he was a teenager, it's not just going to disappear over night. Thank you Jen.
     
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  13. Sarah,
    I admire your determination to help him, but we can all see how it is tearing you apart. Don't make the mistake of trusting him too soon. If he is willing to change, you will feel it. He will be able to show feelings, try to reconnect to you, he will be more attentive and caring. As long as he's in denial, he will try to move the spotlight away from himself. "You're just insecure", "Everbody does it". Policing him is a two-sided sword as well, in my case it only forced me to hide my addiction better. Fully expect that he didn't stop. He may be able to stop watching P for a week, maybe two, but as long as he's not committing to a full reboot, the addiction will lure him back into old habits, again and again and again and again. Simply stopping to watch P won't do the trick for him any more, as his addiction already defines large parts of his life.
    If you haven't done so already, educate yourself. yourbrainonporn.com is an excellent ressource for everything related to PMO addiction. Learn about the coolidge effect to reassure yourself that it's not about you. The chaser is usually much more severe for PMO addicts and reliably drags them back into their habit, even if they resolved to stop, by messing with their brain chemistry and skewing their decision making process.
    You won't reach him on an emotional level any more, but that doesn't mean that you should stop telling him how much he hurts you. Try to be calm and reasonable, he would take yelling as yet another proof of his crooked views. You might try writing him a letter, so your emotions don't get into the way of bringing your point across. Try to poke holes in his reasoning. If he's not addicted, why can't he stop? Why is he still lying to you? Why is he hiding it from you? If it's just a minor problem, why can't he solve it easily? Why can't he be honest with you any more? Invite him to solve this problem together. Tell him that admitting a problem is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. Tell him that you will support him in every way possible if he decides to be honest with you. This addiction is often too strong to fight on your own.
    If he still refuses your help, make sure that you follow up with consequences. I'd advise you to make him believe that you're not policing him, so he will lower his guard and you can catch him red handed. Chances are that he still needs to dig himself a deeper hole before he realizes that he's trapped. Stay strong and take care of yourself in the meantime.
     
  14. Fallingapart88

    Fallingapart88 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your advice. I'm trying my best not to trust him, not right now. I've got to see some improvement and a little more effort on his part. He keeps flip flopping on me so I'm having a really hard time figuring out what he's thinking. One day he'll tell me he has a problem and he's so sorry for everything he's put me through and the next he has no issues and it's just my insecurities. I just wish I could get him to talk to me more and actually open up and let me in. He wants to do everything alone and I know that's a mistake and I could help so much, if only he'd let me. He has been without the p for like 4 days now and he's already acting differently. More affectionate, wants to spend more time with me, less angry than usual, not as distant, he's writing more (something he's always loved). He's kissing me out of nowhere when it's usually always me that has to initiate anything like that other than sex. I'm not sure what's going on, I don't know if he's feeling more free, trying to show me he's changing, he loves me and doesn't want me to leave or if it's a show for me. Guess only time will tell.
     
  15. Secondchanceatlife

    Secondchanceatlife Fapstronaut

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    If he's engaging more in his passions and is more present and connected with you, then he's getting a taste of what it feels like to truly be himself. Don't get me wrong, there's going to be pain and self discovery along with it and he needs to face his demons. He may become vulnerable or afraid. He may relapse. But one thing is for sure, the longer he sticks to the better he will feel. And it will get easier.
     

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