GF doesn't believe in PIED

Hi,
First of all, great that this forum exists.

I had a divorce last year, after being 12 years together. I am dating with my new girlfriend since may. In june I couldnt get an errection while our first intime contact. She made a big stress about it. So I went to the urologist and he gave me c..lis with the lowest dosage. I felt the effect for three days. In july I made the test: errection with porn, no errection only by hand. And then it was clear for me, never porn again.

The problem is, my girlfriend doesnt believe the reason is porn: her words, all men watch porn. All her ex boyfriends did it.
A healthy man can have always an errection, no matter what the girlfriend says or how she behaves. In her frustration she said some things that really hurt me like "If you dont know how to touch a woman, dont touch her" And I know she loves my hands, she says this all the time, but when she gets frustrated and angry then she get a sharp tongue. Specially when she is hot and sex doesnt work. She wants to be fucked, long and strong, her words. Actually my dream, but not when you have ED, first time in my life. I am 40 now. Other words by her: I love you, if not I would have gone to other men to have normal sex. She always apologies after having said harsh words. So I feel its in her anger.

Then there where problems with PE. That I had in the past when I hadnt sex for a longer time. This came to normal with more frequent sex.

What bothers her most: she says that I put the problem under the carpet as I dont do anything. Isnt this what is suggested here in the forums: be patient till your brain gets rewired? In three months I have been at the doctor and therapist. For her I should go all the time to doctor, till its solved. I dont see the reason. The test says: if you get an errection to porn, then there is no organical problem, the problem is in your brain. So for me its just waiting and try to relax. Doing yoga and looking for quality in food.

Today is my 61 day no porn. Starting also no Masturbation and Orgasm as some say recovery comes quicker that way...

Thank you all for your advice and comments

 

Hey guys,

Thank you so much for your comments. It really feels so good that someone understands the situation and had similar experiences. I also love to read about the success stories.

I also see a sence behind all that: if she wouldnt have made so much stress I would never looked deeper and really see it as a problem. And I would never have looked for solution and found these great forums and websites.

I feel its a good decision stop masturbating for some time. This gave me also a stress on my own, is it working today or not. I made alsways these tests. This expecting something is counterproductive. My thoughts where sticked to the proverb: use it or loose it...but I understand the process of rewiring

Thanx so much for all the links!

 

This forum is such a big help for me. Thank you all again so much for your advises. I will really go for them. Like take a break when we get intimate next time and i cant get it up. Here my fear was that she is also cooling down when we get hot, which makes her angry. But when she knows my behaviour in advance, she knows what is going on and I will come back witha fresh mind.
As sou said, there is nothing like the touch and feel of a woman. I enjiy so much touching her, kissing, kuddling and I know when I relax in such a situation it works.
Then mostly the next problem comes PE. And here I know, practise helps keeping it.

Never thought about such an impact on the hard mode, now my 2 nd day no MO. Had nearly the whole night erections with balls like two atomic bombs before exploding. I never undersood the point written in the list when you know you are recoverd: leakage of semen stops...not that I had but can imagine that it could happen.

I am really happy to swich from the easy mode to the hard mode. Always surprised about the mysteries of the bidy and brain. Never thought the difference would be so huge.

Once more thank you so much and taking my fear that my balls will explode))

 

She said that she doesn´t think she is addicted and when she has normal sex she never watches porn. But when she is alone a few times a month. But she knows porn is bad and after reading now more of it she will stop it.
She talked to a friend that could orgasm quicker with porn but then could not come without it.

 

@LizzyBlanca thank you for that link

Another topic that came up in our discussion: potence means also economical potence as a man. I never got a feeling before of a woman not being enough economically potent. My GF mentioned she never had a boyfriend that earned less than her and she doesn´t know how to behave. And that she doesn´t know if she can live in such circumstances. Her ex earned about 15000€ a month. I earn aprox. 3000€ per month, which for a musician is not that bad, but much less what she was used. I have also a good health insurance and a very secure perspective of keeping the job, witch is only 3 days a week and a lot of holidays (violin-teacher). So I have a lot of free time for her and own projects. Its the first time we talk about that topic open and it causes distance between us. On the one hand I feel a relief talking about it finally on the other hand I suffer feeling the distance between us.

Sometimes I think my penis (which we all know all now is strongly connected to the brain) has its own intelligence and felt that from her side I am not good enough (financially - as a man that can feed a family) and refused. She doesn´t want to give me that feeling but as long as such words come "I am free, I can do what I want" and "I don´t know if I can live under such circumstances", I feel not good.

 

No communication till 5 days: After she said she wants kids, no matter if it works or not in the relationship (which I find unresponsible btw), I asked if she wants a kid or she wants a kid from me. After that she said, she could have plenty of rich guys to choose from. That crossed a border for me and I dared the first time to give contra wanting her to apologize.
No way, she wants me to apologize that I dared to ask such a question.
So no communication now and no communication is a dead end street in my opinion.

A very sad story.

 

So a lot happened in between. I quitted and that made the whole difference. She came suddenly driving 200 km without announcement and telling me she can not live without me. So since that all changed, no calculations from her side, only openness and also vulnerable. We meet at eye level. So since 2 months its a really beautiful relationship, I am very happy.

Me PIED is gone. Sometime I have PE but that is if we don´t see us longer. After some sex it gets good.
I tried only once an herbal kind of vi..ra, but more for curiosity. What was great, she said I don´t need it. And I really feel I don´t need it. I nearly never had the urge to masturbate. She likes to do it for me and its great. So I can´t remember when I masturbated myself the last time with ejaculating.
What is really exciting: we do sex in public places, the music school I teach (during night), In a road at a small village at the sea side (also during night), in the swimming pool (spa).

Now we want a tantra chair. Anyone has experience with that?

Quitting porn opened a completely new view and feel to sex for me. Actually my first Orgasm was watching naked women in TV when I was 12 (no internet then). Then I had porn magazines, then internet. I only knew before that kind of sexuality. But now I see, that is not the real sexuality. Its what the industry wants us to think it is. But its not. One only focuses on genitals, but what I experience now is much bigger, from the toes to the hair. Its so much more rich.

I encourage you all out there: quit porn, it is worth more than you can imagine. Of course with a GF its easier and I see if there is something I dont feel good, there comes that thought, see some porn. Maybe just because of being bored. But most of the time, because something put you down. And then you want to have the power: being able to click on the screen what you want, etc...

I had also very good consultations with my sex therapist and reading books (I can recommend: read the book "Love sense" chapter "the body" by Sue Johnson). Now I see it more not only to find a GF, also to find a GF where sex is good together and that can happen only if there is a relationship. And that means everyone gives everything.

I have so much more to say, but in another post. Its late here. Wish you all out there all the best!

 

Haven't been here for long.

Happened again a lot in between: we moved together in a flat. We both can't believe it.

Porn is far away in my consciousness, images appear very rare in my mind.

PE improved a lot. I manage to keep it longer and longer.

Last time we had sex I made my GF crazy. She loved it . It gave me big self confidence.

So to all of you out there: don't watch P, it changed my life completely.

 

Again here after some time. I get excited to come near the one year 365days mark.
I just texted hot with my GF. We agree that sex needs to be trained. As you train an instrument. You have to think about it, be creative to get better and better. Being now one year together, cant believe it, there have been many ups and downs. I would say that is life. Routine comes to life: like have you fixed this and that. Not a booster for libido. So one has really to stay conscious how to give sex a place in the relationship. Before it was porn. After that it can be a black hole: you have to be active and creative, do something to fill that black hole with light. Please share your comments how to build together a healthy and active sex life in a relationship. It seems that texting is easier for us both: we are both shy talking about it. So the start would be to think: what makes one excited, what can be improved, what do you enjoy etc. And then communicate. I see there a danger only being able to communicate such a topic only via SMS.
When we don´t have sex for a longer time and we dont see us, I masturbate once in a while, without porn of course. I agree with: Use it or loose it. I don´t believe in completely stop masturbating as some here on the forum. In the beginning I see it as some kind of diet: every diet is hard in the beginning. And the diet should make you more conscious about something you did non conscious.
I also feel good food and moving the body (active yoga for me and long walks) improves my libido.

Please share your experiences what helps you.

 

After a longer time off here, some update: I was off PMO over 2 years: from 1.7.2016. A big journey. An incredible experience. I had a fight with my GF 2 months ago. No communication. Because of frustration I relapsed. I felt terrible. But I know I am strong enough and can fight my addiction. Yesterday I saw on her IPad that she was Tindering, Watching porn. I was really shocked and felt absolutely,I dont have words for it.

Sex doesnt really work. She doesn´t really get turned on. She lies like dead. No energy. I really see no sense in this relationship anymore. Actually incredible that I endured that long. Just wanted to let you all know. Porn is killing you, your relationship your life. Being away from it 2 years i felt my life is back, but now I know: I was fighting this addiction. But she wasn´t and I never thought about that she has this problem.
Stay strong, work out, endure believe in yourself. Next I want to fight is phone addiction. Nearly got killed by a car because of that. Was not watching where I go. Instead looking into that stupid phone. Its a miracle I am still alive. All signs that things arent going the right way. But now I know: I want my live back and just that decision and thought changes everything.