Working On Day 7 (I think)

I am not an expert, but I would say this sounds like withdrawal.

This past Thursday evening, I was overwhelmed by fantasies, and PMO was a temptation.

All of that faded, but while it was over me, I was in sheer torment.

We simply must remember that these episodes will happen, and they will pass.

"Endurance" is the word.

My story over this past year may be much the same as yours recently.

Repeatedly, I failed. Overcoming this addiction seemed impossible for me.

Then, I realized that my real problem was that I wasn't committed to quitting PMO, NoFap, and all the other resources available.

Better days ahead!

 

It takes all kinds. I was in CaptinCaveMans mindset in a crucial phase when I first began to get separation from addictive cycles and moods. Then at some point the small successes called for a deeper commitment to kill it. I don't know how I wouldhave taken such advice were it not for the many examples and supporters here. Yes one day at a time. Also it really helps to think hard about what role you want to give porn onyour future.

 

This post struck me because your life now, as you describe it, looks almost exactly like mine. I am 44 years old too, and far behind the curve being unmarried with no kids, nor with any chance of having either. Most men our age have been married for years, and their kids would be in high school and getting ready for college. I myself have never even been on a real date. Never having had a true girlfriend at age 44 makes me feel odd; it is difficult being so different. I am excluded from the mainstream of life, but I can almost understand why. Honestly, I doubt that I want any of these "normal" things. I shouldn't want them. It is too late at this age for me to start dating. That is something for guys thirty years younger. There is no reason to expect a woman would go out with me after none would when I was young. Now, I am getting wrinkles, turning grey, and balding. If by accident I had a kid, I would look like his grandfather by the time he enters kindergarten. My age forbids me from wanting what I can't have.

While I have suffered loneliness, attraction, and rejection over many years, I have also been self-aware enough to realize, like you, that "staying single for me is a good idea." My career is failing, and this current job will not last beyond next May. Meanwhile, I must work so much harder over longer hours only to stay afloat for the week. (I just got home after working late at the office.) A girlfriend, wife, or family would only be neglected and deprived, and not being able to support any of these, either financially or socially, also makes me not want them. The rest of my life is a disordered heap of mediocrity. You are right about misery being something which shouldn't be shared.

Still, everyone has sexual desires which are entirely natural and good in themselves. PMO has also been the sum total of my sex life. Porn is the closest I have been able to get to a woman. It is frustrating to hear guys talk about "temptations" when I've never had opportunities. PMO has been the available substitute for real sex. Now, it is destroying me in ways natural sex would not. Hence, I am on my 24th day struggling to live without PMO as well. After I complete my reboot on Jan. 1, I will try to figure out what to do with my remaining sexuality. Porn again would be a viable option, but that is dangerous; I feel good now, mentally and physically, and I don't want to go back to depleting myself in PMO. My hope is that I will be able to continue living as I am now and that all of these pointless desires and urges completely fade. Middle-age is the time when that should be naturally happening anyway.

This weekend, I will try to find some time to write a post for the "Loneliness" forum. This will be on "Involuntary Celibacy." Writing about this is therapeutic, and others struggling in this condition with me will hopefully be better able to deal with it.