90 days hard mode

Day 090

I have got through 90 days with no porn, no masturbation and no orgasm .

If I try to think back to the version of me that signed up for this three months ago then it seems like an amazing achievement. To the version of me that is writing this, it doesn't seem so amazing. I am just experiencing another day as a better, happier, more confident and less anxious person.

Reflections

Until I found nofap I truly did not realise how much my (P)MO behaviour was contributing to my anxiety and undermining my self esteem and self confidence. I thought what I was doing every day was just natural. Sometimes I even thought I liked it, despite the crushing guilt and the knowledge that there was almost no pleasure left in it.

Going hard mode is hard, obviously. At the start I was very conscious that I wasn't touching, and I had to keep consciously preventing myself from initiating a (P)MO cycle. This thought process in itself could be quite triggering. I became so physically sensitive in the first week or two that I needed underwear in bed just to keep things in their place and avoid contact, something I have had to continue to this day.

I get far stronger morning wood than before, and strong spontaneous erections that I have not had since I was a teenager. They are still not what they should be, but they are better. PIED isn't easy to undo. Mine was always going to be more than a 90 day job and that is why I am going to stick with hard mode for a lot longer and keep fighting it. Having 90 days under my belt feels like a great start though.

It has not been plain sailing. There have been days when I have come very close to total failure, and days when I have not acted in a way that I believe to be true to the aims of my reboot. I have added extra time to my reboot to reflect this. Overall it is much easier now, and some days I don't even think about it. Obviously I do get aroused, but mostly instead of P and my P-related fantasies I generally think about sex with my bf, which of course is fine.

Other Benefits

A lot of people are very sceptical about the use of the term 'super powers' and rightly so. What we are all trying to do isn't magic; in simplistic terms it is just about breaking an addiction. Nobody here is going to develop x-ray vision because they have stopped jerking off, and I don't believe that you start giving off extra strong pheromones or anything like that. There are some short term, temporary effects from changes in testosterone levels.

Nevertheless those first few weeks felt amazing for me. There is a kind of exhilaration that comes from finally taking control, exercising self-discipline, and not giving in to temptation. It is a very primal, physical feeling and it can be almost euphoric. In my case that feeling spurred me on to make more of an effort in pretty much every area of my life - my relationship, my work, friendships, looking after my body better, and making time to read and learn new things. In the last three months I have progressed more in each of those areas than I have for many years.

So no, there aren't any super powers, but I firmly believe in the power of nofap as a catalyst that will bring about changes and improvements far beyond the realm of sex and intimate relationships.

And now...

I like what has happened to me over the last 90 days. Enough to stick to my original goal of a full year of hard mode. Including the extra time I have added because of my mistakes that's another 299 days. I have a long way to go, but it doesn't feel that way. I know that even the worst of all the days to come will be better than the days that came before, so long as I stay clean.

I am a better person now. I like and respect myself now, and nothing will make me trade that in for a few seconds of 'pleasure'.

 

Thanks guys. I really appreciate what you've all said. It makes me feel taller and stronger, and I know I'm ready to see this through. It's already feeling less like a chore and more like a way of life!