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The wife here

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Blarghen, Nov 9, 2016.

  1. Blarghen

    Blarghen Fapstronaut

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    Hello, just introducing myself. Been married to my husband for 4 years now, we have a 1 year old, and we are Christians so this porn addiction is a big issue for us. While we were engaged he confessed to me he has been struggling with porn of some sort since he was a young boy. We talked about it frequently in the beginning of marriage, he wanted me to check in with him to see how he was doing. Most of the time he would say things were fine or that he was struggling. He started to say he hated talking about it, and eventually I caught him lying by seeing his browsing history and trying to talk to him about it. This happened a lot and created the big fat trust issue. Things got worse while I was pregnant and emotional, I walked in on him looking at a naked photo of a woman on his parents computer while we were staying with them over Christmas. I was so upset that he would do that there, and while I was pregnant. And especially because even though I saw what he was looking at he still denied it at first. Soon after I found out about accountable2you and it did help a lot. He tested it well in the beginning and it worked! Months went by and I felt like it was a great tool for us, it would send me notifications if he looked at something questionable or somehow turned it off so I thought we were good. Then I found out he was using websites and terms that the software looked past because it's kind of random words I guess like prn and such. So for a year or so now he knows I take the time every night to look through his history on the apps that could bring issues and I hate it. I hate that I have to do that, and I hate that I lost trust in him.
    For the last few months things have been quiet in that area. I started to really doubt that he's been doing that good. I asked him how things are going and he said well, that while he is still tempted he can't do anything without me knowing. I told him I've been doubting him and believed he found a way around the software somehow but knew he wouldn't confess. That's what led me here. I've been feeling so bad that I don't trust him that I just need to talk to people who somewhat understand. Unfortunately tonight my suspicions were confirmed, he found a way to get around it on his iMac. I won't say how in case that tempts anyone. But I walked in on him looking at naked women again tonight. Again at first he tried to hide and claim he was looking at election results. I was so mad I couldn't even talk to him. I took the keyboard to his computer and hid it. I don't know what my intentions are there but it's what I did out of anger. I don't trust him anymore and it hurts me so bad he does this. I feel so betrayed and angry, not surprised though. Just don't know what to do anymore .
    I'm sorry for the rant. I realize this is more of a long story than an introduction, so thank you for reading if you actually made it this far. I'm just looking for understanding people since I don't go talking about this problem to anyone.
     
  2. Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story. I can strongly relate to how your husband acted, as I've been in exactly the same situation for years. He's addicted to porn, and he's not ready to give it up yet, despite your attempts to help him. He's probably ashamed of what he's doing and decided to hide it from you so he won't hurt you. The sad truth is, you can't recover from PMO on his behalf, and in the end, he has to learn how to police himself without you or a software policing him. He has to realize that he has a problem. Your first priority should be to take care of yourself and your baby, but you can certainly inform yourself on this addiction. yourbrainonporn.com is an excellent resource. Invite him to join NoFap as well. Recovery is a tedious learning process, and expect him to stumble and fall numerous times. Policing him is not your job, your job is to draw a line in the sand and follow up with consequences, otherwise your will continue to fall into co-addiction.
    If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. There's a support group for SOs as well, you're definitely not alone on this. Seek out other SOs for comfort, and other addicts in recovery to understand your husband's struggles. Wishing you all the best!
     
  3. Hey, its serious matter, but the thing is its addiction for which whatever you do can't vanish in once from your husband brain and your married life.The first important thing needed here is your husband confront, because all effort he has to do, you can just support him, you can't go into his mind and restore it to non-porn mode.
    Best way is to have talk with him, let him know you know about it and still you want to help him to get rid of it.
    Its tough to re-trust someone, but when the only option is to trust,then you have to trust him.
    If it didn't work with you, it will be good if you ask help from counselor or therapist, after all its about yours and your family future.
    Some-time question is complex, answer is simple & here too answer is simple i.e. talk.
    We are addicts, our brain is not in our control all the time, it always try to get a chance to relapse..
    If conversation didn't bring some positive outcome then it will be more serious issue and you have to look for other solution..
    Softwares are not the permanent solution, if he want he can access them in cyber-cafe too, or in any magazine or dvd, etc..
    you can't stop him, just try to figure out the root cause of the problem, may be he is addicted to it because of some reason,as in ma case I use them for my frustration, irritation,depression etc. I'm not sure he may also have any genuine reason, but at-least all this part of story will clear only after you talk to him.
     
    Blarghen likes this.
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community. Many people here can relate to you and your husband. You've come to the right place to find understanding and support. There are not many places in society where this topic is discussed so openly. It is still a hidden and shameful addiction. It is often misunderstood as a dirty little habit and not a full blown addiction as serious as drugs or alcohol. Yet the damage to relationships are just as severe.

    Your husband's story is similar to many of ours, including myself. I too had a problem since adolescence and I thought it would go away once I got married. I too am Christian and was deeply conflicted about living a double life - showing the world my spiritual side but inside being corrupted to the core. Five years into my marriage our marital problems got so bad that it lead to me seeing a therapist and disclosing my dirty little secret to my wife. But I only woke up half-way. I made it an off limits topic and kept saying I was working on it in private. The truth was that it was slowly getting worse. 10 months ago my wife threatened to move out and take our children with her. That was when I fully woke up from my porn coma.

    Most addicts need an intervention or a rock-bottom moment to wake up from their coma. Right now he is doing just enough to keep you off his back while he continues to nurture his addiction. In our experiences there it is impossible to get better on their own in secret. The addiction does not go away or stays stagnant... it only gets worse. Addicts surround themselves with 'addict thinking and logic' which makes it very hard to penetrate with loving concern or simple logic. Addicts use things to alter, medicate, sooth, escape, or numb negative emotions. Only when the consequences are too painful to medicate do addicts decide to seek treatment. Only when the addict takes primary responsibility for their recovery does change actually happen.

    So, continue to challenge him. Communicate your expectations. Let him know that the status quo is no longer acceptable. Establish boundaries and protect yourself. Impose the consequences you warned him would happen. Only then does he stand a chance to wake up fully from his porn coma.
     
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  5. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Welcome and sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am a wife also. I believe I understand what you're going through.

    My SO has recognized his problem only a few months ago and we are currently working through it together. When I found out the full extent of his addiction I felt like, "How could this be happening to me?" "Where did I go wrong in our marriage?" "Am I naive or just in denial that I was blind to the signs?" "Why was I lied to?!"

    Now I know through research and this forum that it is not my fault. I also have a better understanding of what my SO is going through. Since I made the decision to stay and be supportive I make an effort to focus on our positive moments and times together. I feel "it's never too late" to invest in fixing what isn't entirely broken - currently my happy times outweigh the turmoil points.

    My SO also understands that despite what may happen in his journey to recover, lying will not be tolerated. I also feel "it's never too late" to give myself another chance. I've done a lot of self reflection to ensure I'm not just trying to repair the relationship because I'm afraid of failure, to be alone or because my self esteem is shot. I am in this because I love him and the true moments we have had together. This forum helps remind me that I was and always will be a strong person who can be a loving, understanding, supportive wife, but more importantly I will be a self-loving, self-sufficient person who will equally thrive on my own if need be.

    You have not only yourself to think about, but also the future of your child. How would your SO feel about porn addiction if it were affecting his child? A son who turns to porn instead of his father to deal with his emotions and ends up mentally alone. Or a daughter who's self esteem is damaged because she doesn't understand why she isn't pleasing to her husband. Not to mention you don't deserve to be deceived over and over. I pray that your SO can recognize how his actions affect his family and will use that to create new actions that will help you build back the trust that was lost. Thank you for sharing your story and best wishes!
     
  6. JustWantToHelp

    JustWantToHelp New Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone! We are also Christians and my husband has struggled since he was very young. I just joined this forum and already feel encouraged, and I hope you do too. There is hope if you guys can be honest with each other and face this together.
     
    Blarghen likes this.
  7. Blarghen

    Blarghen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for your kind words! Due to your insight I have learned somewhere inside him he really hasn't been wanting to give it up. The last few years I've been nothing but forgiving and nice until pretty recently. Today I got mad at him for finding stuff on his work laptop and told him I don't want to have sex with him anymore. It's not true but I'm so sick of this. I just need something to get through to him that I'm not going to put up with it anymore and need him to get help asap. He agrees that he should he just doesn't know where to start, he doesn't know how to found a therapist or counselor and neither do I really. He's afraid he'll find someone weird or bad, and just not wanting to do it overall. Where does he start? What can I do to support him? He said he made an account on here tonight which is great but it's not professional help that he needs. I'll try to find that spouse support section mentioned above. Thanks again all!
     
  8. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    If you have health insurance you can start with your insurance company's website. My insurance company's website had a section for mental health services and had a list of different kind of therapists in my area. Unfortunately my insurance company didn't list specialties... hopefully yours will have more detailed information. Look for a therapist that deals with addiction and more specifically sex addiction. If you notice a bunch of doctors at one address then there will usually be a receptionist that will answer your call and assess your needs and try to match you up with the therapist in their practice with the right qualifications. Also, many therapists are networked meaning if you call one and they don't have the right qualifications they often can refer you to someone who does.

    Psychologytoday.com has a 'Find a therapist' searchbar at the top of their page. The have a good list of qualifications for each therapist but the list hasn't been kept up to date and the few therapists that I emailed through their website took a week to get back to me.

    There is definitely the risk of finding a bad match. But after one or two visits he can tell if the therapist is a good fit and there's no shame in moving on to another one if there's no chemistry.
     
  9. Blarghen

    Blarghen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much!
     

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