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The life beyond my fantasy...Part 1

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by BarronABS, Nov 25, 2016.

  1. BarronABS

    BarronABS Fapstronaut

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    I started jerking off when I was 12 or 13. I found some porn magazines with all those models naked and ogling me like saying come and fuck me. Before that I had never had such experience. I had some friends with whom I was talking about girls. We were sharing our fantasies. But when I starting jerking off I saw I was becoming a superman. I was living in a family where my mother had no education and she cared only that I got the best things without doing anything. She was overprotective and dominant. She used to come to school and sit down in school canteen until the classes were over. I was begging her not to come but she was there saying she did not want something bad to happen to me. But she was the worst that was happening to me. I was being bullied at school and I was weak to stand up for myself. I was wondering how those popular kids kicked fun, dated girls, had sex. What was the reason? From that time on I have had those thoughts. They haunt me and victimize. I have thoughts of death and extreme anger. I hate everyone. I have a couple of friends who drive me crazy with their success stories. I want to have fun, I don't want perfection, I won't to be accepted or hated for who I am and not the opposite, I want FEEL THE REALITY, the touches and real burns. My brain burns me every time. I know those fantasies are there to replace or compensate for the reality I am missing. It is fake. I know in light of my weakness and lack of will my brain creates another world to somehow satisfy my basic human needs. That is why I have strongly decided to quit PMO at all costs. I have accomplished very few things in life. But I am sure I will be clean and the life will come to me in brightest colors. Thank you for reading.
     
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap! You are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.
     
    BarronABS likes this.
  3. Dead Per

    Dead Per Fapstronaut

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    We are the same, wondering how people find it easy to interact, laugh,make friends and talk for hours. I mean,for heavens sake people have making new friends as hobbies. I have no friend in my class. I just sit there silently watching people giggle and have social lifes. You are not alone, let's clear our minds off this addiction and see where this life leads us. You are not alone, welcome and stay strong
     
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  4. Secondchanceatlife

    Secondchanceatlife Fapstronaut

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    Well one thing I can say is that you are not weak. Your are standing up for yourself to your own brain. That takes balls and courage and strength to even realize you have a problem. You're gonna do good dude.
     
    BarronABS and D . J . like this.
  5. Good story you have here. Are you adding more to it?
     
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  6. BarronABS

    BarronABS Fapstronaut

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    Yes I am going to add... This is like a diary for me and I wanna everyone rwad it.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  7. Thank you for joining noFap, I've been struggling with no PMO myself. If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me or just right on my journal.

    P.S. I've had an overprotecting mother to. She just wants the best for you, but sometimes it doesn't always work that way.
     
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  8. Dziki007

    Dziki007 Fapstronaut

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    To ged rid of fantazies you need to be more present, try meditation im sure it will help you. Also recommend book caled "Power of now" by Ekchart Tolle.
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2016
    D . J . likes this.
  9. Yashar

    Yashar Fapstronaut

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    I'm not a person that can't talk to people I don't know but I can relate to your story a 100% since our mothers have similair characters. I stopped hangin' out with my old friends because I realized that they're not a good influence on me so I'm pretty lonely right now and as a kid I almost never had friends. I was always an Outsider. I was very insecure about myself. I grew up with a lot of violence around me, don't know if that was case in your life too but I'm telling you this because my Parents were very abusive (Mentally and Phisically) and I was angry at them for a long time. Reading your text I can see that you feel anger towards your mother. You have to let go. Life becomes so much easier if we learn to accept a apology you never recieved. Forgive everyone that did harm to you, not because they deserve peace, but because you do! I also have a lot of imaginations. I lived in a dreamworld for a long time. I know how it feels like. "The Power of now" is the next book on my reading list. Being present is one of the very best things you can master to get a better life. I understand what you're going through. Even though I can talk to anybody I was always the guy with no girlfriend. I am very picky when it comes to the people that are in my circle and right now that circle is almost empty. I need positive people around me. People that make me appreciate life more. The same goes for girls. I never had sex in my life. I might could've had sex with 2 girls I was able to make out with but I stopped seeing them because I realized that I would not want to be with them. I was just looking for sex and that's just not what I want. As soon as I was interested in a girl I started to fuck up because I was worried about fucking up. Nowadays, this is all gone. I am just myself and I don't give a shit about what this girl thinks even if I am interested and I want to connect on a deeper level. Now, this is one of the most important things when it comes to being attractive towards girls. YOU HAVE TO BE YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT. Don't think about what could go wrong or what you could do or say to make her like you more. Just imagine she was a really ugly person you would never want to have sex with but you don't care about that because you want to know more about that person. If you start liking that girl because of what she thinks, says and does you can try to connect on a deeper level. If that person doesn't like you - walk away. Don't care. If you don't like that person - walk away and if you like her and she likes you, that's where you can start to build. But just don't get caught up in thoughts that make you act a certain way. You don't want her to like you, you just want to like yourself and see IF she likes you or not and if you like her or not. A lot of people will say "No" to you. And you should never try to change that no into a yes because their approval is not needed to make you feel comfortable in your own skin. Sometimes girls will say no even if they don't mean it just to look how you react. It's ok to sometimes not give up right away but you can feel if that person just doesn't want to have anything to do with you and that is okay! You lived your whole life without her. Sometimes desperation starts to make us imagine wild sex scenes and we want to feel it, just as you described in your post. I know how it feels and I know it just sucks sometimes but staying true to myself is a priority that is above having sex. Sex is great and all humans want to have it but as soon as you start doing too much for it you corrupt it. The sense behind it is to express our feelings towards the other person and dip into theirs. It's a great way to get to know a human being without any talking. Pleasure and sexual statisfaction should be secondary, if they are, they get even bigger and you'll enjoy it even more. Those popular kids just didn't worry too much and neither should you. Start being yourself, man! Just continue your streak and start to build up your confidence. Maybe you have something you want to achieve. If not, you will have to find something. Hope this helped.

    Stay strong, champ!
     
  10. BarronABS

    BarronABS Fapstronaut

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    Thank you my friend God bless you and all of us. You are true inspiration for me.
     
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  11. Yashar

    Yashar Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome. Keep going.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  12. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Please listen to @Yashar! Much wisdom is being spoken!
     
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