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How do i tell my girlfriend i don't want to be sexually active?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Low, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. Low

    Low Fapstronaut

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    So for the last 5 or so of my resets have been with my girlfriend im really sick of resetting because of it i just don't know if i should tell her i don't want to be sexually active i don't want her to think its because of her. I don't want to tell her im doing nofap so i dont really know what to do any advice would be great.
     
    Deadlihood likes this.
  2. Deadlihood

    Deadlihood Fapstronaut

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    Be honest about your current situation - tell her it's for her (and you!) :)
     
  3. IggyIshness

    IggyIshness Fapstronaut

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    i don't want to be sexually active
     
  4. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    @Low I tell you this from experience. Be honest with your girlfriend. Tell her the things that you are going through. Tell her that you want to stop your addiction and the steps you want to take. She will be happy that you are opening up to her and letting her inside your head. This will be beneficial not only to you but her also. You can share the info from the yourbrainonporn.com website. Ultimately, it will be up to you with how you want to proceed. Stay strong!
     
    Ted Martin and vibemaker like this.
  5. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    There's a lot of reasons why we don't want to tell our wives/girlfriends. Some of them are because we are embarrassed, some are because we don't want to hurt them any more than we already have. In reality, we have already hurt them. They also tend to take honesty as a sign of improvement. In my time on this forum seeing several cases, including my own, the SO has preferred knowing and being included in the recovery process, rather than sitting on the outside wondering what is going wrong and being powerless to help.

    Check out the "Disclosure" thread in my signature, for a comprehensive look at the issue.
     
    Ted Martin likes this.
  6. hushblush

    hushblush Guest

    Honestly, it's totally normal not wanting to be sexually active. My husband admitted to me to being addicted to PMO about a week or two ago and I'm just not feeling the intimacy (for obvious reasons). I told him str8 up I just wasn't ready. He understood, of course, but it definitely made him realize how serious this was. We talked about it more and we realized that honesty through all of this is the best answer.

    I think, though it's easier said than done, you should sit down and express to her the conflict you have going on inside of you. I mean, of course you want to have sex with her, but not yet. Being a member of NoFap really opened up my eyes to a whole new supportive community willing to help you through this. Be patient and talk to her when you're ready. Talk to her, though. She deserves to know.

    GL!
     
  7. hushblush

    hushblush Guest

    Really proud of you going strong for two weeks! Keep going!!!!
     
  8. Trust is like mirror, once it break, its gone....
    If you are on NoFap, there is nothing bad in going physical, after all you are fighting with virtual sex not real, may be you may face some issue in orgasm during your intimacy but that may be also due to your PMO, but if you are avoiding physicality just because of PMO, I dont think that may be correct....
    In nofap, either its masturbation or orgasm its all due to porn, which is just mere a fanatsy...
    Have a talk with your gf, conversation is the best that may help your relationship and atleast you are trying to beat this addiction, that's commendable there is nothing to be ashame of it..
    Sometime attempt counts more than success...
    She is your partner, let her know you need her support in beating this habit, sex is not everything in the relationship...
    There is also some feelings...emotions...:(:(:(:(
     
  9. Low

    Low Fapstronaut

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    i did it i told her but i did not tell her about porn or nofap but i told her i don't want to do it anymore because it makes me feel bad and gives me anxiety and plus i do not wanna get her pregnant. I know you all are going to say i should of told here about your porn addiction but i just cant do that im sorry.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  10. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Don't be sorry. You have to make the choice that is best for you.
     
    Deadlihood and Low like this.
  11. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Despite all the advantages I can list for disclosure, it's still a scary thing and especially risky in a g/f relationship, vs. a wife. I hope you can work yourself into telling her, because I ultimately believe that is the best thing for both you and her, but I'm not going to browbeat you into it. I think a lot of us forget how hard it is, so I'll cut you some slack.
     
    Low and i_wanna_get_better1 like this.
  12. Kristian

    Kristian Fapstronaut

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    Even though most of you will not agree with me, I'll throw in my two cents, for what it's worth. I firmly believe that hard-mode is more harmful than good, especially if you're involved in a healthy and stable relationship. From my point of view, it is wrong to demonize sexual activities too much, as if someone who is open to making love with their significant other is bad, counted as a relapse and whatnot. I've seen it countless time.

    If you decide to refrain from sexual activities, it is entirely your decision, but you should definitely tell her, if you love and respect her. And from where I'm standing, if she cannot cope with it, it is pretty understandable. It ain't our girlfriends' fault because we are addicted to PMO.

    Sorry if I may have seemed harsh, but the ultimate goal is to quit porn for good (at least for me), while maintaining a healthy relationship with my girlfriend. Having an intimate relationship with your SO should not be counted as a relapse, harmful or dangerous to your recovery, as long as you both love each other and want to have a sexual active life.
     
  13. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    This is a good point. We have a tendency to go overboard and forget that it's not sex that is the problem at all. The problem is with the addicted party, who can't or has trouble handling the sex.

    Before we throw out the idea of hard mode altogether, though, I want to point out this
    (portion bolded for emphasis)
    Years of PMO trains the brain to respond in a specific, unnatural, unhealthy way to sex and orgasm. I don't think it's possible to have a truly healthy sexual relationship while suffering from PMO addiction, or in the early stages of addiction recovery. It's like a cancer in your relationship, and hard mode is a treatment we use to help eradicate it. A healthy person would never dream of undergoing chemotherapy, because chemo is poison. The only reason you would do it is if you had cancer, and the only reason you should do hard mode is if you are using sex in a detrimental way, and require a 'cleanse' to reboot your system.

    The entire object of NoFap is to return to normal, which includes sexual activity. NoFap founder Alex Rhodes is a sex positive person as well, but I believe he also endorses hard mode as a tool for recovery. Someone please correct me if I am wrong.
    For me personally, I was resistant to long term hard mode because I was eager to restore my relationship as quickly as possible. However, I experienced a definite, marked return of PMO symptoms, even though I didn't use P, M, or even fantasy. All O I was experiencing originated from my wife, but I still had a problem. I resumed hard mode, and it's been 26 days. My irritability and depressed episodes have receded, but I doubt they are permanently expunged since I have gotten this far on hard mode before. Yes, it works as some kind of punishment to my wife which she clearly does not deserve, but this is what it requires for my recovery. Yes, I'm the asshole that put her in this position and I deserve all kinds of horrible things to happen to me, but that doesn't change what I need to become healthy again.
     
    ChangeMattersToMe and Low like this.
  14. Cbizz

    Cbizz Fapstronaut

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    Be honest with her, chances are she already knows you have a problem. She'll probably not feel great about you coming clean but she will respect you and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I found it best to tell my fiancee all that I've learned on the topic and what I want for myself and for our relationship. I had this conversation a month ago and told her I wanted to go a month without sex and or relationship on an intimate level has been awesome. We've been able to connect on a deeper more personal level without sex. Give it a shot bro
     
    Low likes this.
  15. Jodo Kus

    Jodo Kus Fapstronaut

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    I'm honest with my gf but that wasn't esp. hard cause she didn't see a problem with porn. However, I don't tell her when I can't perform good in bed or don't feel much of a connection because I've watched a lot of porn before.

    I want to quit porn and change my compulsive behaviors and my life to the better. To that end I also try to stop masturbation and "mind porn". But I take every chance to enjoy intimacy & sex with my gf. Yes, sometimes it causes a chaser effect, but overall I think it's easier with than without.
    When I'm with her I'm my authentic self more or less, when I PMO, when I act compulsively I'm not my authentic self anymore.
    I don't see any reason to quit sex.

    What we're talking about are personal decision. Although there are good and approved methods I don't think it's 'one size fits all'.

    Honesty is probably the better choice in a relationship, but sometimes there will be secrets. That's ok.
    And it's better to have the secret of an active recovery process than the secret of an active addiction.
     
  16. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Secrets are not good, it brings guilt and eventually possible relapse. I'm not an addict but I would think that having sex while trying to get rid of the addictive sex side effects would only be like putting on a band aid and then ripping it off before you're healed?.... then you have to go back and band aid it again after it bleeds. maybe cleansing the mind of sex and bodies craving of O would reboot the system to not get chasers or constant O thoughts that might make you relapse, it's the dopamine you are chasing g after all and that dopamine will happen if you O with your gf or porn. also, I have to tell you guys, sex is great thing but the problem people with pmo and sex addiction have i think is that they think of it as a pure act and high. your penis will not fall off abstaining and being with a woman who cares for you should be driven by time together, connecting on an intimate mental level and not just sex. if a woman is truly interested, like a man, they will do what is best for both of you. someone leaving you because you can't have sex for a while is something to worry about in general. but that's just my thought. I would be delighted not having sex with the SO if it would help him in his recovery. Maybe some reading on relationship and intimacy will help with relationship/sex knowledge. believe me, most women who are serious can give two shots about a big P or big O or whatever else that this overly sexually saturated society has made you believe they care about. porn distorts,the mind very badly, I'm sure you guys know it just by seeing how you objectify everything without wanting to. I wish you luck with your gf, if you are honest it will clear your own conscience too, gdon't take away her choice to choose by lying, in the end you will lose her eventually. addiction is generally not something people can recover from alone, having alot of support will help you more.
     
  17. Jodo Kus

    Jodo Kus Fapstronaut

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    I think that would be the case if I had sexual fantasies during sex with my partner, if I would mix up sex with what I've seen in porn. But as I said I'm just enjoying every form of intimacy with my partner and it has nothing to do with ripping of a band aid. I admit it wasn't always like this, it is due to recovery from porn-addiction that I can fully engage in sex today. I'm not fully recovery yet, not at all. But I've already learned to distinguish between real life intimacy (expectations) and porn or porn-like fantasies.

    For me the whole question if hard mode or not is slightly missing the point. You see, I'm still deep in the shit. But not because I'm addicted to orgasms, not because I'm thinking about sex all the time. I'm talking about "getting clean" but I don't see myself as "sullied" or "unclean". Actually my compulsive porn-consumption is just the outstanding symptom of a larger issue with self-control, dealing with emotions and getting what I want in life. For me my porn-addiction has become the unique occasion to tackle it all.

    I always felt that the word "reboot" is slightly misleading, because the reboot of a computer looks like this: the computer has crashed then we push a button and the computer restarts and works again (but not because it is fixed). So when we refer to the point where we make a decision, a commitment we can as well call it a reboot, because we make a new start in our life. But the process of recovery is more like re-programing the computer. It takes effort, pain and there's no general solution, everyone has to find his or her own path.
     
    Hanging by a thread likes this.
  18. BlackMarble

    BlackMarble Fapstronaut

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    I believe the question deals with telling to our significant others what we are going through rather if the hard mode is the best method of rebooting. If i´m writing and reading here is because i´m dealing with worrying effects of a speciffic compulsory chronic disabilitating behaviour: porn or sex addiction. And like other addictions many aspects of our life are affected, but I share with a lot of fapstronauts that specially the impact on intimacy and bonding is particularly frustrating, leading to worst cycles of PMO. Thats one of a challenge: to get rid of a sex obssesion but in a effort to claim and experience human sexuality, how can I transform the way I experienced mechanical, objectifying compulsory sex for so long? Make sense to stop for a while all kind of sexual behaviour in order to reprogram myself, how deep is wired this behaviour after so many years????

    I definetly conclude, thanks to this shared process, that sex obssesion arises from deep underlying issues, that when unatended or ignored control much of our behaviour (i.e. Run and ingest PMO everytime i feel alone, rejected, etc). So also if I dont solve that stuff the simple abstention is not enough. The word adiction actually means "non-said" (a-dictio in latin), and altough is impossible to know and say everything whats going on inside of me, this inside world is in a continous feedback with others, specially with those we decide to share ourselves. And here I believe is where becomes tricky, I want to share my self even to a physical point but I´ve been sharing to my hand for so long that I dont know how to do it anymore! I take significant relationships now to be the perfect space to witness and precisely share this difficulties.

    _____________________

    Thats my comment, but now if you have some spare time I would like to share @Low and everyone some personal stories on this.

    I always knew that PMO played a role screwing my relationships. A previous good 8yrs relationship went to the toilet because of the different side effects and underlying issues of my PMO habit. I couldnt create a good communication nor a true intimacy. I.e, on the daily level of this experience, I discovered that my plans to be alone, and of course to j-off to P, manipulated my whole day. Uncounsciously, I was encouraging more and more the independent activities of my partner ("yeah go with your friends thats fine Ill be working some stuff" yeah right) but also I choked the moments of bonding and then of sexual intimacy. I became "bored" with her body and then I became uninterested in the person. Then because my mood changed a lot because of M (doing it or not doing it) I blamed everything else but my compulsion topic (of course there were other several issues like in every relationship). Then when we had sex there where all kinds of issues, ED, PIED, etc...you can imagine the evolution of this. I was so angry and frustrated at the end of this relationship and I blamed everything and everyone but me. But ask me if we had a good conversation on any of these issues, obviously NO.

    I continued feeling so guilty and trying to understand what happened. Started therapy, and beginning to face many issues. Then I met this amazing person that changed my life, we had an amazing sexual match and I spent many weeks without PMO (that was a major change I thought!), but also she changed my point of view on communication and sharing in a relationship. Basically we began to know each other not from the nice things but from the difficult ones. I started to realize that I had genital sensibility problems and started to really worry being afraid of sexual rejection. At this point I realized the impact of PMO in my life and in previous relations, and I didnt want that to interfere anymore. I realized that it was not only my sexuallity but my mental and social wellbeing at sake.

    However, I knew perfectly that I wanted to hide my PMO compulsion. And I think thats one of the worst chronic sideffects of sex addiction when we are in a relationship: hidding ourselves. It took me a lot to speak about the way I feel, my insecurities, low steem, fears, etc...It took me like 6 months to speak out my PMO compulsion history to my actual partner. I recognize that before I was filled with a blind pride justifying my PMO with all kinds of thoughts: "its my intimacy""ITs what I need to increase my sexual performance""Its stress relief" and so on, is not an addiction I said (yeah right, after 27 yrs of doing it almost daily).

    But now I had it clear: if I dont speak of this, this wonderful intimacy is going to be affected. I was so afraid, but it was my imagination, I was so ashamed, but it was my selfsteem, I was paradoxically hidding something I wanted to purge out, so I thought, "I want her to know me really, sex is not the center of this relation is another wonderful dimention, but still a dimention of communication, I am blessed that I could build this communication, and I need that specially she walks with me through this process, dont want to hide or dont want that something hidden reign over my desire, etc.."

    And when I told her, I was so amazed, so conforted, not alone, so accepted, I felt so lucky and that didnt mean stopping intimacy, she understands perfectly hard mode periods or why I dont want to O. But this also means not stopping communication, and is never easy. Actually the sexual experience has expanded and can tell you it has become not only physical but emotional, different everytime, relaxed and fullfilling. So it may be periods of abstinence or alternative ways of intimacy but it worths it definetly. Sex is not the objective is just another dimention of bonding.
     
  19. ALPHABat

    ALPHABat Fapstronaut

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    Why do you not want to be sexually active, bro? NoFap is about quitting porn and masturbation. Not sex.
     
    BlackMarble likes this.
  20. Low

    Low Fapstronaut

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    My GF helped me today i wanted to mess around and she reminded me to not do it so we didn't. So im still on day 14 :)
     

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