To tell or not to tell

Hi supergolum. I was actually going to ask the same question here. Thaks for reading my mind. I think that the answer, as usual, depends on you. When I joined the community a few months ago I wrote in my diary that I did not intend to tell my fiance about my addiction. I felt a lot of pressure from the guys to do so but I still chose not to.

We've been together 6 years and as you probably know, I'e been a fapper forever. I'm not telling her because I believe nothing good could potentially come out of this. She has an alcoholic father and I think that it would be too much for her to handle.

I am also not very keen on admitting what a disappointment I am in front of her. From other guys' stories on this website I've learned that most partners are super supportive and actually help them on their way. I just have afeeling this would not be the case with us.

Another problem we have is that she can go without sex for months on end (I haven't had sex with her for almost a month now and there seems to be no medical reason for that - she told me that she just does not have a need for that). You can imagine what it makes me feel like. Sometimes i 'bleme' my relapses on her.

Anyway, at this point, I don;t believe that telling would be a good thing for me or her or our relationship. I believe I need to go at least 90 days without PMO to as much as thin about telling her. Everyone is different though so do whatever you feel is best for your relationship.

 

You need to take a step back and look at the situation from the outside. Your partner will be wondering what is so wrong with her that you can't keep it up let alone O with her.

It will hurt her like hell to find out but in saying that the damage it can cause 'being caught' can be (and 99% of the time is) worse. Recovery comes hand in hand with honesty.

The secret of your addiction is like a tumour and can continue to grow without honesty.

It is an extremely painful thing to go through as the partner of an addict but ask yourself, how you would feel if the roles were reversed?

 

I have to agree with Blackmilk, your partner should know about things that are affecting your couples time. I guarantee that she's wondering why, and her imagination might be taking her places that are much worse than the truth.

Of course it depends on your particular situation, what you think the possible outcomes are from disclosing, and what your goals are in coming clean. If her values are such that she would lose her mind at the idea of porn viewing, maybe that's too much, but on the other hand imagine the horror of being caught.

Then too there is the fact that this is affecting your relationship in more ways than just an inability to finish once. If you're keeping cool with her when she's decided to go a long time without sex, surely she must assume that you're taking care of matters yourself? If you tell her about the masturbation AND your efforts to stop AND your reasons why, maybe she'll help you out with the occasional one-sided encounter? Or maybe she'll at least put your mind at ease by saying, "Hey, it's okay, I already know," and she can encourage your journey in other ways.

I hope it's not out of line for me to say this, but in the context of monogamy, I think it's cruel for the partner with low libido to expect to call ALL the shots. If she expects you to be OFF when she's OFF and ON when she's ON, if she wants you to cool it when she's not in the mood but she's deeply wounded if you're not ready to go when she wants you, then there's a double standard at work there, and it's time for some earnest communication. There are a million different ways to compromise, but both partners should get at least some of what they want, and both should have their feelings acknowledged. It's not a good relationship if one person has to deal with major struggles all on their own. But you have to ask to receive an answer.

 

I don't have personal experience but from all the accounts and discussions I've read on this forum, as well as my own beliefs, I can't think of any reason why a person would not tell her/his spouse. Why would you keep something from the person you supposedly care about the most? Moreover, every account I've read of decisions not to tell all start out with wanting to "protect" the other person, but in actuality it is nothing more than rationalizations because it would be difficult to do, just a way to protect one's ego because it is hard to reveal this addiction. Are you really concerned about the other person or is it your own feelings of inadequacy that prevent you from doing so? I'm not asking this to you personally but raising this as a general question for consideration.

I don't see how it would "hurt" the other person because it should be raised for what it is -- an addiction. Not a bad habit or something else, but an addiction. This has nothing to do with the other person any more than a television, alcohol, or heroin addiction should make the other person feel inadequate. And for those that did confide in their spouse, I don't think I've seen a single example on these forums of a case turning out badly.

In addition, I think that not telling the other person makes it more difficult to give up the addiction. By hiding something, you are feeling worse about yourself, which causes more stress, which is a trigger for PMO. So it is all a big downward spiral. Prochaska devotes a section of his book to social support, because it is such an important aspect of giving up an addiction.

 

Tell her and explain the situation. I told my girlfriend of 1 and a half years and she was a bit taken back, i think she was a bit unsure about the whole thing and didn't really understand. But how can you expect her to? She now supports me though in this new journey and it has been made a lot easier since i told her.

All the best!

 

I had this same thing happen to me with a female companion. We are not married but i told her about my porn fuck stories n told her it has happened to me before with different women so she knew it was not her fault, they never really believe it tho. They think a man is supposed to be ready to go whenever where ever but for addict fappers like us its not the case. I strongly encourage you to tell her about ur weakness. But dont tell her that you are subscribed to a secret community because then she will feel shunned and why didnt you come to her. Just express your addiction n how it affects you and her. Hope i was a big help.

 

I think it all depends on the situation and how accepting of these things your significant other is.

 

There is another problem with revealing porn addictions, especially to more sensitive women - they may perceive it as a sort of light form of cheating on themselves. And this I believe is perfectly healthy of them to reckon.

 

From my own personal experience, I told my girlfriend of two years or so about my P addiction and she was really supportive right from the outset. Since my addiction was affecting our sex life as well as my mindset towards a relationship, she was actually relived it was a P addiction, as opposed to me not finding her attractive any more, or worse seeing someone else on the side. Obviously it depends on the partner / situation etc. but my two pennies worth would be honesty. If nothing else, it relieves a huge weight off your shoulders that was the guilt of not saying anything and putting her through something she can't understand unless you spill.
Good luck!

 

I broke it to my friend M (wherever she is now) with a Facebook post back in 2012, and even though we didn't get to know each other that well back then I still feel it is best to bring it up for discussion in every potential relationship. I guess the trick it to word it politely and break it to them gradually with enough explanations that it makes sense. Showing the lady the NoFap website(s) might help too.

 

I told my soon to be wife about 7 months ago. It almost destroyed our relationship. I told her I had a problem with being addicted to P and to just waste time on the internet with or without P. She felt so betrayed. She is insecure already and she would not believe that it had nothing to do with her or the way she looked. We went to therapy separately and it helped. After I told her I felt really good about myself for coming out clean, but she made me feel like shit. Can't blame her tho, I haven't been the greatest partner. But I thought I could use some support from her. But all I get is blame and how shitty of a human being I have been. So far I tried to quit several times but I can't seem to go back and tell her I have relapses. I am sure she would flip.

She brings my addiction up all the time and calls it cheating. That I cheated on her but I can't seem to sympathize with that term. To be honest during this 6 years of being together we have got into fights and I went out and got drunk and talk to a girl or two. Only once I was so drunk and pissed I actually hit on one girl but I got denied (thankfully). Only we our relationship has been on the rocks, on really hard rocks I have tried to look for sympathy from other females. So to say that I cheated on her I feel it's a bit untrue.

I would like to talk to her about quitting P and nofap but I know she wouldn't be able to take it. When we first meet I told her I was bi and she took it greatly. Our relationship was great. I have never told anyone about that. I thought for sure I could share anything with this girl. Today I feel it was a mistake. There are some many great things about us, we have 2 kids and a house, we have fun when we go out. our sex life is actually great. she is hot and smart. But she has a really short temper and I have a freaking addiction.

Anyway. That's my story about telling her. I am here to see if I can get rid off this addiction not for her but for me. I don't want to like P and I know its affecting me. Maybe after a few months of actually quitting I will have the strength to talk to her about it again.

 

I told my girlfriend that I was on NoFap because I was trying to become a healthier and better person by quitting PMO, seeing as it has affected me and our relationship. She was really supportive of me! I was pretty glad I was able to tell her and be honest with her because she motivated me!

 

I posted in another thread today in support of the idea of not telling, but that was heavily biased by circumstance. You don't tell enough for me to make a judgement but I would say to trust your own instinct, but be wary. I told my wife last year because we were starting a new policy of absolute openness, honesty, and understanding due to other circumstances. She was initially very supportive which I expected because of her familiarity with addiction due to her alcoholic brother. I tried to keep her updated on my progress, but this proved to be a mistake as she was unable to keep up her half of the "open, honest, understanding" policy due to her other issues. Every time I mentioned it she used the opportunity to guilt me about her own insecurity.

So tell her if you think it will be helpful, but be prepared that her reactions may not conform to your expectations or may change over time. If you do decide to tell her, I would not recommend being specific and let her ask you when she wants to check on your progress.

 

Hi Supergolum

Communication in a couple is one success element. I will tell you what I think from a woman's side. Nofap is of course a personal matter because you need to work on your issues and find the solutions appropriate for you. Men have their own pride so do we women. When you men hide us things, we automatically are aware of and feel hurt that you guys do not want to tell us what's going on. Then, you probably will say you are not a liar and that we (women) have to trust you. The fact is, you have to trust yourself first. When you are ready to open your heart and mind to her, then do it, explain her everything, your fears and failures, your hopes. Your partner will be the best supportive woman because she already knows you. As a woman, I prefer that a man tells me the truth than hiding me things that I would think are suspicious - I would tend to think that he was lying to me. I've told everything to my man. He helped me more than I would have thought. He never judged me because he already knew me. But this is my personal story. I cannot tell for your wife. However, only you can decide. Look after yourself

 

I agree ella-rose. Women somehow realise that men are hiding something and feel hurt about it. They also tend to become insecure about it...

 

Hey there. I've struggled with this myself. I have not told my girlfriend about PMO but I also have no plans to either. We've been together for 4 years. I've only stopped fapping about 8 days ago and I have no intentions of doing it again, but who does? I do believe she could help me. I did tell her I have stopped fapping and she responded with "why are you punishing yourself?" and I just shrugged it off. It's the porn I don't want her to know about. Although I'm certain she must know deep down I watch porn. She has asked a couple times "what do you do when you fap?" "do you watch porn?" "do you think about me? What?" I just deny deny deny it's been my policy and I've stuck to it thus far.

If your woman could be supportive and help you through the struggle I feel like it may be worth thinking it over and telling her if you're having relapses. I haven't [yet, if ever] and that's why I have not considered myself telling yet.

Good luck!

 

By not being open and honest with the significant person in your life, you are in essence not being open and honest with your self. As a porn user it is impossible to be fully present when being around your significant other, and women sense that. They may not know exactly why you are not totally present but they sure do pick up on it and it is difficult for many women to be sexual with a man who is only partially present and therefore many of us have lovers who are not as responsive as we would like. The problem is not with our lovers. The problem is with ourself. My wife is a much better lover now that I quit porn and quit masturbating.

 

Amen, freedomwarrior!

 

What exactly do you expect from telling? How do you expect that it would help you? Or is just "hot air" - talking without effect?

Probably it depends on the kind of relationship. But in my case, it would be useless, for two reasons:

1. I generally HATE it when people begin to load off their problems with me, so I also do not with other people. Except with a psychiatrist, whom I PAY for listening.

2. In our relatioship, it is ME who is making all decisions. My wife EXPECTS me to be in charge, she WANTS it. She loves me and doesn't want to lose me. We have a great time when we are together. We have great sex.

And most importantly: When we are together, I have no problem at all. My PMO problem only appeared when I am ALONE with me. So what should I tell her? And why should I? Rather, I decide to spend more time with her, and do things together with her - this solves the problem by itself, better than talking about my personal problems.


Conclusion: IMHO, it is YOUR problem, and YOU should deal with it, rather than loading off your trashcan in front of other's feet.