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Gay sex due to convenience? Warning could be graphic

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by alan, May 28, 2014.

  1. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    Hello all, I'm 20 years old and this is something I've been dealing with for 2 and a half years now however I think something has been going on long before.

    First of all I'll tell you that I still see myself as straight but maybe I'm in denial but I don't know. What makes me think I'm straight is that when I see an attractive girl I feel something inside me wanting her, to be able to have a loving/caring happy existence but when I look at any guys I just seek banter or if I notice they are bigger/more masculine then I fantasise about what they are packing and fantasise about being their bitch.

    Going back in time I have had experiences before like when I was 10 and I was wrestling with my friends older brother he managed to get ontop of me and rub his groin in my face which afterwards I masturbated about. I can't rememeber what started this though for me to even masturbate about it. And through high school my other friend boasted about having a big dick a lot and he'd tease me now and then like trying to bend me down ect.

    I've only had a couple of real girlfriends(only lasted 3 months due to my trust issues) and 2 online and I don't recall ever having the urges when I was with them.

    I also never started watching porn till I was 16 because before then I masturbated in the prone position and just fantasised. I changed to the conventional way though when I had my first girlfriend because it was embarassing when she couldn't finish me off with a handjob and me ending up humping the bed. After we broke up I watched a lot of more porn and after a good while I ended up on gay porn. I also ended up getting attached to a 12 year old when I was 16 because she lied about her age thinking we'd never meet but we got on with each other a lot but I found her quite immature and sadly I cheated on her with her bestfriend who was a bit older. This is something I regret to this day, I still talk to her now and then.

    And then maybe a year and a bit later I had my next girlfriend at 17ish which was great and it was also when I broke my virginity and has been the only time when I've had proper sex. (I'm still not actually sure if I'm over her or if I'm just lonely.)

    But after we'd broke up I think I watched a lot of porn and gay porn too I thinl because I found myself on craigslist and I had found a guy 10 years older than I and hung to fulfill my fantasy. I was pretty nervous and I didn't really enjoy it (I just gave him a blowjob) and I never thought I'd do it again though he said once you try it you get the bug which maybe had a psychological effect on me that built upon previous experiences. Anyway after a few weeks of straight porn again I'd end up on gay porn and then finding myself getting myself into another gay encounter ( I find it almost impossible to attract women these days in clubs or at uni ect) and the cycle has continued up to now because guys are much easier to set up sex, the last guy I've met a couple of times was in his 40's.

    I'm now giving this a shot as to see where it can lead me.

    Can any of you guys relate to this and give me some advice?
     
  2. Alexander_D

    Alexander_D Fapstronaut

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    Bin the porn, delete craigslist. Porn hijacks your sexuality and warps your brain into accepting weird new novelties, precisely because they are taboo and shocking to you.

    Unless of course you feel fulfilled, clean and happy being a 20yo "bitch" (your word) to random 40yo men...

    There's a better life for you man. You have more dignity and deserve more respect. Porn grinds us down to nothing but slaves. It's never to late to take up the sword and cut it off.
     
    fusion47 and miguel456 like this.
  3. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    Yeah it's not fulfilling nor does it make me feel clean, it's like I'm just throwing my strength away and submitting to the world and that turns me on but afterwards I just feel shit because I'd rather be successful, have a hot wife, family ect. I've stopped porn so far and got rid of grindr, think I might get a web filter soon to block out things like craiglist ect.
     
  4. Alexander_D

    Alexander_D Fapstronaut

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    I really relate. Porn destroys our humanity and turns us into either sluts - passively accepting being fucked over by the whole world; just taking it, believing we deserve it, and even enjoying the 'justice' of humiliation/degradation - or monsters who prey on the vulnerable and eat them alive.

    But youre so young man. That's what's so tragic here; that there's no one around in your life to see the warning signs and lend you a hand. Porn just isolates and slowly eats away our life and vitality. Guys like us have been lambs to the slaughter..

    Just believe that there's so much more to life than this hell. Have no part of it, kill every little bit of your soul that clings to and cherishes the meat market of cheap sex. It's death.
     
  5. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad someone can relate and thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it. It's kind of weird seeing porn as this big evil now, before it just seemed so harmless in a way. I'm not sure if many people get to see many warning signs, I'm pretty reserved and shy and I'm good at hiding things. I haven't had any bestfriends which I've felt comfortable confiding in with this stuff either and just now I don't really have a close friend. I went to a counsellor a few weeks ago because I suffer from anxiety and a bit of depression and the counsellor thinks I've got mild depression with PTSD from the bullying I got at school. Only my mum and dad know about the counselling thing but they know nothing about the stuff I've just talked about because I think they'd feel really gutted for me if they knew. They were gutted already about the bullying after I told them about it 5 years too late.

    It doesn't feel quite like hell just now, I'm surviving though I guess that's what makes it worse. I am going to try and severe all ties to this curse of mines.
     
  6. CompleteSeed

    CompleteSeed Fapstronaut

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    Hey man I can totally see how you have got to where your at.
    If you follow the path of gay sex and it's not what you truly want your eventually going to start to be very upset about that. Once all the excitement and superficial good feelings are not so novel what are you going to do then? I mean will you be then trying to kick a bad sexual habit just so that you can begin kicking a porn addiction habit?
    What happens next after you follow that path? Do you become happy?
     
  7. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    No not really. :/
     
  8. chrisdep

    chrisdep Fapstronaut

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    Take a listen to the broadcasts below my signature, which may help you in overcoming your addiction to PMOing. I have found that my recent victory has been primarily due to trusting God to give me a healthy sense of identity which can only come once connected to Him.

    "Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.' Begin it now!" ― William H. Murray

    All the best!
     
  9. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    Hey I appreciate it Chris but I'm not sure if they'll be much use to me as I'm not a believer in god sorry.
     
  10. TheLearner2008

    TheLearner2008 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man - thanks for your post - its a brave thing to do. I am 32 now and I could never have had the courage or the wisdom to recognise that I may have a problem with porn at age 20!! It took me 12 more years before I realised! You have taken the first step, at age 20, which is fantastic.

    Regardless if you are gay or straight I would say that because you have experienced a lot of stuff at a very early age perhaps the best approach is, like the other guys say, to reboot. Once you have gone through a reboot process things will perhaps become clearer for you.

    If you can quit all types of PMO for a period of time then you can perhaps figure out what your real sexual preference is thinking with a clear head and open heart.

    There is nothing wrong with being a passive partner in a gay relationship or gay sex, as long as the person you are with truly cares for you and is not using you for your body. You might think it is easy to find sex with men but these men don't want or care for you as a person if they are trying to have sex with you after just meeting you. You will know in your heart when it is right to have sex with someone and if it doesn't feel right don't do it.

    Getting back to porn. I have been hooked on porn since I was 17 and I am now 32. It has damaged my love life, my career, my family life - it has ruined 2 relationships so I know what the consequences are.

    This is your moment, your opportunity along with all of these people's support to change your life forever.

    All the best,
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2014
  11. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    I thought that I might have an addiction before but I didn't read into it as much as I have now. And yeah hopefully i can change while I'm young.

    I am planning to quit all forms of PMO from now on until I have a healthy relationship.

    The sex was only superficial, nsa, I was fine with them not caring about me and me not caring about them. I don't know, I feel pretty numb to it apart from the fantasy.

    Wow that is a long time, I'm sad to hear it has ruined so much of your life though you still have a lot of time on your hands to to turn things around and you're on the path already!

    Another issue that gets me down is the fact I just can't seem to connect with people that well and I fear I won't have sex or a girlfriend in a very long time while friends my age are having great sex lives.
     
  12. CheshireCat2323

    CheshireCat2323 Fapstronaut

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    I can actually feel you on this one. I once met up with a guy on AFF and we swapped giving head to each other, afterwards I just felt "bleh." I didn't go nearly as far as you did, however.

    It's very possible you may simply be bisexual, but as someone else suggested, the best thing to do is to step away from the PMO cycle and allow the reboot to do what it needs to do. Afterwards you can reevaluate your sexuality from a clearer perspective. Ask yourself if you feel like you could actually form a legitimate relationship with a male. I've had bisexual feelings for a while, and while I've managed to successfully quit the PMO cycle, in the past few days I've been edging to fantasies and now plan to reboot from doing that, and looking at my bisexuality again to see if it's legitimate. Then there's the harder part of being honest with those feelings and even acting on them >_<
     
    Hieroglyphics likes this.
  13. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    I've considered the idea that I could be bisexual but I don't think I am. Hopefully it'll be even clearer down the line. Another genre of porn I was really quite into was cuckold where the bigger more hung men had their way with the girlfriend who was loving the bigger man while the boyfriend just had to watch and be humiliated by the girl and the man. That got me off a lot though I tried to not watch it too often cause it made me feel really bad as I would put myself in the boyfriends position.

    I'm starting with a goal of 30 days and then I'm just going to build up from there. Today wasn't that bad a struggle but yesterday was, especially when I saw I saw this girl walking about in yoga pants with a really nice ass haha
     
  14. TheLearner2008

    TheLearner2008 Fapstronaut

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    I have been reading a lot over the last 5 days and what you are saying here all sounds like symptoms of porn addiction. The constant searching for novel ways of pleasuring yourself. The inability to connect with people. The lack of understanding about your sexual orientation.

    I used to also think that if I don't have sex now I am missing out on something. I would constantly have sex with random people thinking that I am someone enjoying life and having better experiences then my peers but after years of doing this you realise that every person you sleep with is taking a little piece of you away which you can't get back and they will never make you happy.
     
  15. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I've noticed it matches up a bit. I can't help but be a little cynical about how better I'll feel afterwards.

    This is something I try to tell myself but at times it doesn't work. I mean plenty of people sleep around and live happy lives.
     
  16. TheLearner2008

    TheLearner2008 Fapstronaut

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    Do these people masturbate to hardcore porn though? Probably not.

    I think it is one thing to sleep around another to sleep around and PMO
     
  17. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    It's hard to say how much they watch porn or what they watch...
     
  18. hydrangeas

    hydrangeas Fapstronaut

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    I want to echo a couple points TheLearner2008 made:

    There's nothing wrong with coming out at the other end of this and discovering you're gay, bi, or pansexual.
    Definitely agree with them that if you're unsure though, then reboot is the way to go.

    As far as learning to connect with other people, I am starting to wonder if a lot of people (myself included) need to first learn how to be better friends. Learn how to listen, how to converse. Connection is a deeply social thing, and it can easily go wrong if we forget what we're doing. Friendship might be the way to start, as the conversations aren't derailed by wanting to fuck them.
     
  19. Shep

    Shep Fapstronaut

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    You might be bisexual. A friend of mine is bi and he is sexually and intimately attracted to girls but for guys it is a strictly sexual attraction. I don't think your orientation has anything to do with your relationship to porn though?
     
  20. alan

    alan Fapstronaut

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    Yeah there is nothing wrong with it but I don't think I'd be happy to be the above. At the most I think I would be straight romantically but pansexual in the bed though that pansexuality only derives from the fantasy of being "bottomed".

    I've thought about this before. It's hard to come to a conclusion. I always try to listen to others and show care though at the same time I find it hard to show emotion myself. Also I feel a bit boring compared to my other friend's friends
     

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