I AM DONE WITH EVERYTHING!!!

I don't know where to start, and I don't know if this is gonna help, but I'll give it a shot.

I am a 21 year old college student at a prestigious (Politically leaning liberal) University studying a type of engineering and this is my fourth year here. I am really fucking depressed. I recently found out that my addiction to porn, and me watching porn is just something that I use to escape problems and forget about my depression, but the fact is that I am depressed and I am barely passing my classes with C-, but I was never like this. Let me tell you about how I used to be.

I migrated to the USA from a war torn country, and I started high school just when I got here, and I could not speak English and I did not know anyone. I learned English in about a year through ESL classes. After learning English, I became to love learning in general, and math was my favorite subject in high school. I was a straight A student, and most of the teachers in my high school knew who I was. I worked very hard, but at the time, I did not care about how hard I worked , because I had a goal of attending a very good school that was in the same city where I lived. In high school, I played soccer, and I ran cross country, but even though I was into sports, I attended zero parties, because I was really concerned about my grades, and did not care about social life.I was poor anyways, so social life was not for me, and the whole four years of high school I worked the hardest I've ever worked in my life, and at the end I did not get into the university that I had planned on attending, but I still got accepted into other good universities, and now I'm attending also a good university.

Anyways, so in high school, I really wanted to have an intercourse with just any girl so bad, but I kept it to myself and I never said anything about that, and when girls talked to me, I showed no emotion whatsoever, and I ignored them, because I felt that if engage in a sexual activity with a girl, then I would stop paying attention to my grades, and that will stop me from getting into the university that I wanted to go to, so I avoided every conversation with a girl, and turned down every offer, and every complement, even though deep inside I wanted it so bad. I just wanted to try having sex one time. It's not my fault, the media here is crazy about sex, and sex is everywhere; in movies, commercials, you turn on the TV and you will notice that it is hypersexualized. I fought all my male urges in me everyday of my high school years, and never showed any emotion to any girl. That was my thing, I wanted to go to my dream University and I was working towards that goal, so I ignored everything else, and didn't even go to prom.

Anyways, in high school, I did not fit in with the students at my school well, and I was always treated like an outsider. It was a little bothering at first, but I didn't care, because I was doing well and getting all As in my classes, and that's what mattered the most to me at the time. But, I explained to myself that most of the students at my high school were close-minded and uneducated, and that when I go to college (university), the students will be more educated, open minded, and I would fit in.

I started freshman year living in the dorms like alot of other students at my school, and even though I go to a liberal leaning school, I quickly found that the students here were worse than my high school. They were even more close minded ass holes, who only care about themselves and discriminate alot. This was a total shocker to me. I though that college students were educated and more human, and that I would fit in. But the hard reality kicked in freshman year, and I realized most of the students were assholes who only cared about themselves, and the girls would judge you greatly based on your appearance, and not on who you are as a person. But I have to say, I met two people that were not like that, but only two.

Anyways, freshman year was very tough in terms of classes,because I was doing engineering major, and even though I was a straight A student in high school, I was not prepared for university, but I could not take Calculus or Physics in high school, but nonetheless I was in classes with students who had reached Calculus 3 in high school, and had taken ElectroMagnetims Physics, so classes were tough. Besides classes, the internal fights inside of me fighting against my male urges got 1000x times worse, because unlike high school, here at the university, there were hot girls from every inter-nationality and they dressed very provocatively. There were so many hot girls, it was crazy. Anyways, so I tried to listen to my urges, and ask girls out, and maybe eventually just "get laid" and fulfill my curiosity of what sex feels like, but that didn't work. I am a shy person in general, and I was awkward, because I did not know what to say. So throughout freshman year, I asked three girls, and they all rejected me. I was down. They were just very beautiful girls,but none of them agreed to even have launch with me. I'm not ugly, but I'm not muscular too. I'm just your average skinny guy. Apparently, the girls wanted guys with muscles, strong guys, and they were not attracted to me. At the same time, I got exposed to internet pornography. I understood that it was bad, and my values did not want me to look at porn, but my brain rationalized to look at porn only once in like 2 weeks when I get really overwhelmed with my urges.

The following year, my porn consumption increased, and motivation was going down. But still did not like the idea of jacking off to a picture on a screen, so I pulled myself and talked one girl, and she rejected me, and then to another and she also rejected me. I got depressed at this point. I was really down for a about a week,and what's even worse the second girl that rejected me told one of her friends with benefit friends whom I know from the dorms about what happened, and now every time he came to study my housemate, he would throw hints at what happened and laughed about me, and whole situation, sometimes even insult me indirectly, but I didn't let him get into my mind and I ignored him, even though deep down I was hurt.

Anyways, second year passed, and third year my porn consumption increased even more, and now I was noticing changes in my behavior. I started totally not caring about school, and doing things when I feel like only, and because of that, I failed a class, and my GPA went down to shit. My porn consumption just increased, which made me more unmotivated and all my love for learning went away, and that year I did not ask any girl, and I just kept to myself, and I watched porn when I had the urges and masturbated my urges off. I didn't let anyone know what was happening with me,because I did not have any close friends, and my family wouldn't understand. They would think that I am a disgrace,and my father would disown me if I told him that I watch porn, so I never shared any of this with my parents.

Anyways, now I'm a senior, and I still have not had sex, and porn is killing all my motivation and hiding my depression. Now, I am barely passing my classes with C and my GPA is below 3.0, which is terrible for an engineering major, and I don't even know where the hell I wanna be in 1 year, and have no goals, and I'm really depressed because of my sex-deprived situation. Now, I don't talk to people much and just to myself, and I don't go out or do anything. I stay in my room the whole day on weekends and just sit on my computer and waste time on useless shit. I'm really depressed, and I'm addicted to porn, and my life is slipping away. The only thing keeping me alive right now is my family. I love my family, and I don't want them to lose their son, so I'm doing my best, but it is very hard to get back to how I used to be.

Every-time I think of the person I was in high school, I just get more depressed, and it ends up just hurting me. I want to get out this mess. I need help. I tried going to the counseling available in school, but I am concerned about my privacy, because they will keep a record of everything, and I don't want that. But I need help. I need urgent help. I am not suicidal, but just depressed. Everytime I try to get out of my addiction, I fail. The longest I've been addiction free is 13 days.
I need help, and I need someone to pull me out of this hole that I'm stuck in. I've faced so many things in my life, and overcome so many challenges, but this is the hardest!!!

I know this is long, but I just needed to say what's been bothering me for the past 4 years.

EDIT: Spelling Mistakes

 

Thank you for your kind words brother. We are all brothers fighting for our rights to be normal humans again, and breaking from the enslavement of our society.

 

What do you mean by "Just give yourself a time to breath and relax?" Do you suggest I take a year off school?