Couples- I need advice!

Sit down together and let him know that his actions aren't acceptable to you and he needs to change. He has to agree to change and you have to be prepared to walk if he doesn't agree. Then, make an action plan to meet the changes you require.

I actually had to hit rock bottom and fear losing my family to realize I had a serious problem and needed to change. Also, I wouldn't have been able to change by myself. I needed a group like this.

Counseling and we both have delved into researching this addiction.

Defensiveness and minimization are common defense mechanisms. He's protecting the addiction, though.

You're not crazy. Be prepared to leave, though, if he can't meet your relationship needs. I'm not saying that's what you should do. I'm just saying he needs to know there are consequences. If he thinks he can placate you and keep his addiction, he'll try.

I hope you can work it out.

 

I think you should be more understanding, woman, and give your man a little space. Every man needs space, you are suffocating him, that's why he doesn't show interest.

What you can do to improve your relation is be less selfish, and understand that it's not all about you, your mind, your problem, your feelings.

If you think I'm being rude, that's Ok, you asked what is the best way to improve your relationship, not to flatter you. Right?

 

There seems to be a pattern in your posts regarding women. Why are you always so quick to blame the woman? Your response here isn't even supported by Op's post. You have no idea whether she's smothering or being selfish.

Look inside yourself and ask why you would respond so harshly and with little evidence to support your conclusions. Keep in mind, for those of us in relationships (if I remember correctly, you're not in a relationship) our addictions hurt them the most. You're blaming the victim, in other words.

 

If you don't agree that's entirely your problem. Look inside yourself because you might be a hypocrite and I wasn't talking to you in the first place.

 

the fuck people criticizing me again.

 

btw I bet OP is a full grown woman she doesn't need a hero on a white horse to save her @outedskeleton

 

there is a pattern in your posts too. They're all stupid and nonsense

 

There's no need to be hostile. I probably am a hypocrite. On some level, most of us all.

I responded because I'm here to help, learn and grow in my recovery. Your response seemed more about your own hurt and past then about the Op's struggles with her SO. I don't think it's fair for her to receive unsubstantiated criticism. And, I'm concerned about your constant attacking of women here. It seems you have been wounded deeply in the past.

This should be a safe place for us and those hurt by this addiction, imo.

 

Ok, personally attacking me is unwarranted. I hope you find peace and can overcome this anger. It will destroy you.

 

Hiya guys,

Although I and the other moderators are open to challenge, please be mindful of the delivery of your words to each other. If you ever feel offended by another users post please report it and we will act accordingly.

@Frühlingstimme, just be mindful that you are just an observer and do not really know what is going on between four walls and therefore do not have an accurate understanding of what is going on. All we can do is take the poster on their word and except how they perceive their own experiences.

If you feel anoyed about a comment made take 30 mins out and reflect.

Warmest

G

 

I was not rude, by the way. What exactly I said that offended you? I attacked you personally? I re-read my message and I don't remember calling you selfish. Anyway the house already burned, you should have read that way earlier.

Anyway I'm done with this site, everything I say get twisted and turns against me. I'm off.

Bye and good luck with your bf

 

FWIW, @Frühlingstimme, I think you should stay. I believe you have value and can contribute to this community. I also think you can gain a lot being a part of this. I just believe your views on women in relationships with addicts is a bit skewed. You may have a personal story that negates what the norm is, but, for the most part, our partners didn't make us addicts andv it's our addiction that causes us to pull away and make them feel inferior. Blaming them is the same as blaming the abused for the action of the abuser. Anyway, I hope you reconsider and stay.

@Zombie_Chickie2.0 Sorry for hijacking your thread.

 

Hey Zombie,

My wife and I had communication issues, due to my PMO for the first 12 years of our marriage. One of the tools that have worked for us is FANOS. One person listens while the other goes through the letters. It isn't a time to judge or to argue but to listen. It can get intense at times but you can always take a break. Not every need may be able to be met but it never hurts to voice them. Below this post in my signature is a link that will explain more about it. I hope this helps. Stay strong.

 

Improving communication is not as easy as it sounds. I was a poor communicator and I seemed to lose skills as my addiction worsened. I was stuck in my own head and it was hard for words to come out of my mouth. The things we talked about had no emotional content and we lived as roommates for many years. I was also terrified that any subject could potentially touch on my 'problem' so I didn't want to open up and share my feelings.

As part of my recovery I understood that reconnecting with my wife was a priority. We decided to talk every night about something substantial during my reboot. Early in my reboot there was a lot to talk about and share. There was also a lot of old wounds we needed to talk about and take accountability. I still sometimes let things slide and we don't connect as often as we should. But now it is easier to say, 'There's something I think we need to talk about.'

In one of your earlier threads you questioned if it was worth staying in a relationship with an addict. Has he done anything to get help yet? Or is he still stuck in his delusion? Are you hoping that trying to improve communication is going to give you an opening to talk about his problem? If he hasn't gotten help yet then he might prefer his emotional bubble. He may want to avoid anything stressful or challenging. He may shut you out of his inner world because it takes work to engage and porn is easy. He has to WANT to communicate. He may have to relearn how to communicate.

So, what needs to be done to reconnect? The same things he did when he started dating you - talking, going out, spending time, getting to know you, phone calls, texts, initiating meaningful conversations, and talking about difficult feelings.