Crying attacks

The last few years, there's two things that seem to be constantly chasing me that I live in fear of: my MO habit, and these recurring attacks of panic and hysterical crying. The first often causes the second for me, but I have made great progress on my MO habit, feeling much more positive than I have for a long time. I kind of hoped that would lessen the crying problem, but it doesn't really seem to have worked out that way, as other things cause the crying too.

Basically, every time I make a mistake or have to receive criticism, I start to feel a huge buildup of negativity, self-loathing, and panic - it feels really overwhelming and out of my control, although my family says it makes THEM feel trapped and like I always want to be the victim, even though I was the one that started the problem. It always seems ridiculous at the time to me when they say that though, because a) at the time I am currently flagellating myself for what I MYSELF did wrong, so how could I be a victim, and b) I get this feeling of why can't anybody see I've gone into Crisis Mode here and am in serious need of some help that I no longer am able to provide for myself. I have been seeing a counselor and that's helped a lot, but often I feel really down and like I'll never be truly better and free of the crying attacks.

It was really hard this evening, because I had a spell of about a week where I tried to be positive, and somehow, it worked - I handled things as they came, and had almost no anxiety for nearly a week! But now today, two big spells of crying and panic, my family's exasperated again, right back where I started. Really disappointing. I told myself last July that I would work to have this situation in a manageable place by this coming July, that's my goal, but I really wonder if I will be able to do it, or if this whole stupid cycle will keep going the rest of my life.

Anyway, I've gotten some really good support on other things that feel overwhelming for me that I can't really confide to anyone else on here, so I thought I'd say something about this too, and see if anyone had any good thoughts - thanks for reading.

 

That's what I was kind of talking to my mom about tonight, actually, I think you're right in a way. It's a weird thing, because it makes others feel like I'm in control, but it also makes me feel out of control... kind of like when people say the bee is more scared of you than you are of the bee, or similar things.