Not who I am

This is not who I am.
I won't relate to that! ...that's how I feel now. But then on other occations I get the urge. Like a true addict.

This is not who I am.
I remember myself. Well, actually I started with porn at the age of 12. But the escalation was slow. 33 years later, I broke a sick record of 11 (!) orgasms on one night. Then slept the whole Sunday.
I remember how I perceive myself. Not needing that thing like w psycho. Just being. Happy.

This is not who I am.
I'll keep calling myself "porn addict" to beware of the danger of relapse.
But I won't percieve myself as a porn addict.
Yes, our modern world contains a media filled with temptations.
Yes, young girls dressed povocatively can turn me on.
Yes, being turned on is natural.
NOT being turned on is the problem. Ignoring it because it's nothing compared to porn.
No, I won't turn to porn when I see some kinky advertisement.
No, I won't think sick thoughts when that lovely girl in bikiny passes by.
Yes, I'll acknowledge to myself my attraction to her. I may feel lust. Clean lust. Natural lust. Not thoughts of perverted actions, that are NOT my natural tendencies, but an acquired taste that porn gave me.
Because this is not who I am.

I am... me. Clean.
I get happy when I work out, like today. When I sleep well and naturally get up early. When I do my work, and have time left for other things - because I havent waisted it on porn.

This is not who I am... spending time on posts in NoFap as if it were a fine substitute addiction. No. Riding my bike and doing pushups is the cool substitute. Watching TED or a good deep movie with my beloved.
So... enough for today

 

I,m here just so I don't relapse. Support group.
I'm not in a search for meaning.
I'm an artist. Writer, composer, player and actor.
I'm a lover.
I'm a teacher.
I'm a husband and parent.

I want adventure in my life. Romantic adventure.
I dream of a world in which our lovers could really love us. Free of their silly envy and annoying restrictions. But our lovers are gone. Four years, four hard years have gone by - and last week we broke up. And I cannot except - I won't except - a life with no new romance.
I feel it the the core of my being: I'm polyamoric. It's love I seek. Romantic sensual sexual love. In that order of importance.
I do love my wife. Oh so much! I believe we can give together, and receive together. As we did these years. But we need time off. To heal from the loss. To enjoy the change in our lives. My presence.

You ask whether I'm allowing myself this or that...
The goal is no PORN. I can masturbate. I can fantasize non-porn fantasies. (Yes, I do stop if my mind goes there. No, It doesn't go there much, and it's easier every day). Sex with wife? SURE! As much as we can enjoy! No, we don't do it enough yet.
I did change my terms though. I decided to stop ANY form of masturbation for at least 1 month, in order to keep the stamina for real sex. I'm calmly willing to not get any in cases when we are too tired, or that I don't feel like it. (Porn was always "easier" to me). So after 25 days without porn I changed to no-masturbation.
How do I create a second banner for it? It's easier not to relapse when I know it's there. Like a sign.
The no-masturbation is for a month, and maybe I'll stretch it. The no-porn is for 120 days, but the idea is just to set a reachable goal... and keep it forever.

 

Oh, and to answer the P.S.
It IS better than addiction to porn. Buy I use it to postpone tasks I don't like. Just like I did with porn. Or with opening the refrigirator for the 27th time - finding that surprisingly there's nothing new there. Or watching a stupid sitcom... anything just not to do what I HAVE TO... work!

So, here's a good place to get and give support.
But if it becomes a substitutory escape - I achieve nothing.
I'm not a native English speaker, and a post like this is a bit time consummingfor me... You get the idea... The forum is great - I just shall use it wisely.

 

Suddenly my counter has red a number 1 on it. Why?
Is it the day I started?

 

I now added a new chalenge - 30 days with no sort of M. Only coupling sex.
But... I didn't manage to ater its text
And I have to reset it for today's morning.It was too much... not having sex at all for so many days... It became physical distress, not healthy.
How do you guys avoid ANY kind of sexual pleasure?

 

Oh! Now only need to reset for today morning.

 

Hi William.
When I'm with my wife I enjoy her very much, and it is natural to me to be thoroughly and completely with her. I had a period of time when I couldn't O unless we'd do something kinky while I M. I could go for long time, being very erect.
At this perios in our life, we were expecting a sexual adventure. We decided to swing. The desicion taken with caution, out of a belief that our marriage is very strong. At that time we didn't suspect that porn is an addiction. It was just something I do. Like eating or showering.
We didn't actually swing. We went much further - we connected deeply with the 1st and only couple we met. Fell for them, hard. Had a romantic relationship that lasted 4 years, and ended 8 days ago.

With my lover I had difficulties to perform, unlike with my wife. I suspect that porn has a small contribution to the issue, since my wife, which is the 'mundane', can get me hard and O, but the lover couldn't. The problem was mainly with my feelings. Too much in love. Too sensitive, fearing that I'm being objectified.
I dreamed all through these years of sleeping with her. (like not sex, like really going to sleep). The last year my performance improved a bit. It took me exactly 3 years to O with her. Part of it is because I was too busy feeling love to feel passion, although sometimes the passion was borm out of the love (when I felt secure and loved) and then the whole experience was... AMAZING! (She's smart, sexy, beautiful, athletic, romantic... and it was very special). She's the only women Iv'e ever been with except my wife - and the same for my wife with him.
So now i'm both recovering from a heartbreak, and from porn.
I did believe we'd grow old while still being lovers. I thought that with time (and porn rehab) we'll start having longer meetings, and they'll start at some point to express more love. It's a very significant loos for me. And as with every highschool crush I ever had - I don;t see that I learnt any thing. I love to love, even at the cost of being badly hurt... which I was all through this relationship. I did learn to take responsibility over my feelings: I got hurt - she didn't hurt me. It's mine solely. My expectations, my needs, my strengths and weaknesses. She was the best she could be for me. So was he for us.

While recovering, I find how deep the addiction is.
It's easy being able to function with my wife - she's with me so many hours, each day... at some point once in a while I'd get hot - and there she is. When I was addicted (I know, I know - an addict is ALWAYS an addict) I'd still get the heat for her, so when I did, we could... It's not like with the lover, with whom I had restricted time, and the meeting is decidedly about sex - which I think can be kinda turnoff to me. I need it to "hppen" out of tender caresses, slowly, and with zero expectations - and she expected SO MUCH

I hope to get as tingly and turned on by "plain mundane sex" as I could be from porn. NOthing could arouse me as a sick porn story, or extreme thoughts of what REALLY is going on in the head of the porn actress I'm currently watching.
Hmmm... YUP, still affects me - the mere thought of thinking it...!
So yes, I get turned on with my wife. I love her, and our sex, be it tender lovemaking or rough passion, it's always about her - but no, it doesn't make me as hot as some extreme porn ideas. And I really want it to change.