Married - and not looking back (60 days clean)

Hey everyone!

I am 31 yo man who just got married on 12 Nov. And today I have just realized that I have been clean of PMO for 60 days Haven't even realized that before. Crazy feeling....

Below is my success story (some of it).

I was addicted to PMO since early teens, 12 years or so. Since then, P blossomed in my life in secrecy as I gave more and more of my time and attention to it. Like in majority of cases, I developed tolerance to it and began seeking more thrilling genres to satisfy myself.

Add to this my constant same-sex attractions which I have had since I can remember. Developed most probably due to deficiency of healthy masculine attention and affection and boosted by various forms of abuse, these attractions have made me believe I was the worst person in the world - and this, in turn, drove me even deeper into fantasizing and wishing I was someone else.

I seriously began questioning the purpose of my life about 4 years ago - and around the same time I had realized that I am nothing but a man with a confusion on sexuality. Yeah, people dubbed me "gay" and "fag" and other ugly things, but I chose to be defined by how Jesus created me to be. Hence came the turning point to me climbing out of this pit.

I will not go into details of all the ugly things I did before I decided to change - will just say that that isn't a life to be proud of. Today I am blessed to be married to a godly woman who loves me and whom I can love back and God is gracious to me - and that is enough.

I have been relapsing with PMO at least once a day when I started my recovery. During these 4 years there was a time when I went for 15 months without P, yet I MO'ed every other week or so. If I would abstain from MO completely, I would get a difficult case of "blue balls" - vasocongestion - and that would hurt like hell. So I would eventually MO in order to get rid of the pain, rather than to indulge in any pleasurable and distracting activity. Eventually all the semi-regular MO, together with some personal traumatic events, pushed me back into consuming P and I was devastated.

I had problems with anything you can think of: self-esteem, depression, social anxiety, lack of performance and productivity etc. I was addicted to nearly any genre of porn - looking for anything that might give me that "magic kick". It is only by grace of God that permeates my hard work that I feel I can walk away from that now.

When I was in the last few months of 2016, preceding my marriage, I have been abstaining from PMO and MO as long as I could to avoid the pain of my condition - which would average about 7 days at a time. Often, although not every time, when I would have to MO to relieve the pain, I would slip back into watching PMO. Some odd times I would succumb to PMO for an hour or two at a time. It wasn't nearly as much time as I would spend on P about 5-10 years ago, but still I felt devastated. I was thinking about my wife-to-be, about my own purity and what I wanted to achieve with NoFap and sometimes it felt like all this was impossible to me.

My wife-to-be and I were not sexual together - in fact, we weren't even physical. We only gave each other short hugs and never even kissed. We decided to keep the whole experience for until after the wedding. I believe that was also key to my success today since it contributed to my skill of self-control.

Once we got married, we would have sex 10 times a day... No, actually not at all... I was thinking it would be like that, but... alas, I had a severe case of ED. It wouldn't go up. And you know, it was my first week of marriage and she and I had such a deep and productive discussion about our mutual sexual expectation. Everything was supposed to be perfect - except that I couldn't get it up at all.

I was really depressed. Like, heavily... I thought that years and years of PMO usage have damaged me beyond hope. All I had left was prayer and making the best of what I had. So we started focusing more on her and her satisfaction. (There are many ways to make a woman happy even with a limp stick!)

During the second week my erection started coming back... First in the mornings, then later during the day too. I attribute this to full abstinence from any kind of stimulation from M or P. Eventually the pain became strong again during the second week and I needed a release. She could not help me because I was still desensitized so I had to MO in front of her. That was very difficult as I felt a lot of PA (performance anxiety). It is actually the weirdest feeling, since you want to climax and you stimulate yourself like crazy - but nothing is happening (while it would definitely happen if I would be on my own).

Eventually I have managed to get a release. Since then, things began to improve. My erections allowed me penetration, even though I would not last until climaxing. But I decided not to give up. My understanding was clearly confused by all the P videos where men have nearly a 24/7 erection in any position and with any woman. How unrealistic! )) I was determined to change that thinking in my head and to fight for my body and my marriage.

Today, 60 days after my last solo MO session, I can say that I have never thought my marriage's sex life will be so great! We have sex at least 5 times a week and I keep my wife very satisfied, to say the least. Sometimes we both are so exhausted that neither can carry on. ) I do not manage to climax every single time I am with her, even if I have a full erection. Sometimes it is by choice, because I learned the joys of delaying gratification (through many years of fighting and persevering); sometimes I would have ED again and I would feel frustrated. But I know I am making progress and that it is all going to get better.

Do I still have urges to watch PMO? To fantasise about men and women? To stare at some hot guys on public? Yes to all of there. You know, marriage isn't a cure for PMO, HOCD, same sex attractions or any other sexual brokenness. The Cross is the only thing that saves and gives hope - not another human. Yet, I know what is important to me and what defines me. I know what to invest my time and faith into and what to starve off.

Sometimes its hard, especially if I am in a difficult moment and I don't think things will improve. But having sex with my wife helped me realize how non-sexual the underlying triggers for PMO addiction are! I honestly expected to be triggered every time when I am with her in bed - but honestly, those are the times when I am triggered the least. The flashbacks are there yes - but the most powerful urges still keep coming when I am alone, isolated, anxious, stressed and tired. Just like in the old days.

So, what did I learn from all this? A lot of things, too many to mention. But probably some of the most important ones would be to know what defines you and who you are. Because out of that will come your dreams and visions for the future. And from that will come your desires and wants. And that will direct your steps. So are you happy with what you believe about yourself? I know that Jesus gave His life for you and me because He considered it to be worthwhile. So you better get up on your feet and realize that you are more important than you think. And that you are worth fighting for and never giving up on!

My story here is a very short version of what had actually been happening. So ask me anything if you want to know more specifics. Blessings and good luck on your journey!

 

Hey Sam!

First of all, congrats on getting married soon! The time before the wedding is very special and happens only once in a lifetime. Be patient and invest into your relationship and into your self as much as you can - it will all pay tenfold when you are married! )

And I also want to compliment you on telling your fiancé about your PMO struggles. Well done! First of all, she can see that you are a man of integrity; secondly, she knows what she is getting herself into by marrying with you (your struggles are her struggles too, if two are to become one, you know); and, thirdly, you know for sure she loves you the way you are, even if she would be challenging you on remaining in purity.

I am not sure how you feel about being accountable to her about your struggles. I personally found that for me my wife does not make the best accountability partner, unlike my male friends. She still knows what is going on, but I don't tell her all the details and not as regularly as to the guys. But she is OK with it - for her to know that I am clean and that I am giving my best and that I have men in my life to be accountable to is enough.

Together with the above, I want to say that revealing PMO struggles to her was devastating to both of us - many tearful evenings and a lot of mistrust. But, with God's grace, we managed to work through it all and are very strong together in our love and commitment. So one of the most important things I could tell you to focus on is clear, direct and specific communication.

Good luck with all the prep, both logistical and mental - and let me know if I can help you more with something. Also, your fiancé is welcome to write to my wife if she has some female to female questions about PMO affecting her man.

 

I am glad, man! Blessings and don't ever give up!

 

Hey man!

Thank you so much for sharing! I am very happy for you - it sounds like you have made some solid progress! I am glad you love each other so much and that you are prepared to work hard - so many people think NoFap is like magic and don't realize the paramount need for the effort and guts to say NO countless times.

I agree that religion doesn't really help one with one's life, except to make it more difficult and complicated. I was also religious for many years and was suicidal all the time, until I realized that Jesus is a living person and one needs a personal relationship with Him. I am happy that you have managed to leave the destructive lifestyle behind, it's good!

Good luck with your journey further on and I pray for your success and full freedom!

 

Excellent! You have a great gf - sounds like you are both mature and committed to a long-term relationship, which is great and so rare (and hence precious) today.

Keep loving and adoring her all the time - so that she knows PMO isn't the only thing to you. Figure out her love language (if you don't know what that is, ask me) and smother her in that. Have regular times together, once a week, say on a Friday night, would be perfect. And just be there for her whenever she vents her emotions.

Keep blessing her and whenever you will need her to be there for you, all that love you have invested into her will turn in her into strength with which she will carry you )

 

Hey man!

ED's are embarrassing, yes. But if you just accept it as a result of your lifestyle and grieve the fact that you will probably never be a mental virgin again, it makes it easier. Nearly all porn clips have these muscular studs with 24/7 erections and that is a very unrealistic picture of what one should expect of oneself. So the sooner you make peace with the fact that you are you, the better. And then there is always God's grace.

Good luck on your 7 day journey!

 

It is good that you realize that you might have pride. It is a dangerous thing and one can even become proud in seeking not to have any pride.

The more you stare in your own eyes, the more you realize how imperfect and incomplete you are without the grace of God. And until you realize that you played a role in nailing Him to the Cross, you will not fully realize that you can also have the share of grace He offers. Just like you can't do anything about the fact that Jesus suffered and died, so you can't change the fact that He is offering you grace unlimited - today and every day. No matter what you do, you can't change that. Meaning that you can never be self sufficient. And that is deadly to pride. And so I am back where I started my argument )

 

You are welcome! Same here, great to connect!