I have a terrible confession.

Pm'd you mate

 

I have lost faith in the decency of humanity, so I am not shocked by your revelations. That in itself is shocking! I know of the programme to which you refer. Because of the way our addictions have addled our morality, it is not surprising that if you knew of this clandestine software that you would try it out. Even though you did not find it sexually stimulating, you did watch it i.e. child pornography. Even though it is not your fetish, you were still curious enough to search for it and watch it. The trouble here is that you are, rightly, urging people not to do as you did - but that's the point: you DID!

Pornography is virtually endless. Whatever we have lowered our tolerance to, there will always be something more depraved that we can move onto (both sides of the legal/illegal boundary). You say you masturbated to normal porn. But what exactly is normal porn? It is all dirty and perverted. As you said, if you had dug deeper, you would have found worse. You need to ask yourself why you risked arrest and why you watched it when you discovered the paedophilia sites. You say, hopefully people won't go this far. You say you did and that you are truly sorry. But why Charlie, why?

 

That's fine, of course, but I think that this is an important issue to discuss. It could affect any one of us.

 

Totally, though some things are better discussed in private

 

Well, Charlie... should I say "don't do this again" or do you get the point yourself?

Honestly, I'm deeply saddened by how our culture progresses. And yet I have strong faith in humanity and know that we are not wretched by nature. It's only wrong people that are currently in power.

You know yourself what you want and what you don't want. You have made the judgments already. The path from wanting to doing is rarely easy or short, but I wish you courage and strength for going through it. Stay with us and thanks for sharing.

 

I'm guilty of doing that search also.
Never found anything illegal and refuse to do it now. Plus, some of those people on the forums are in law enforcement fitting in undercover. Keep that in mind. But it is morally wrong. Be conscious of not allowing the addiction to control your life.

 

@Charlie there are some things we can't forigive to ourselves but God forgives everything if you decide not to do it anymore

 

If you're looking for illegal porn, then you are already breaking laws to get a fix.
It may be time for a new plan on how to defeat the pmo addiction.
Are you getting enough support? When you feel you are about to relapse, try and find someone to talk to instead. We all make mistakes but the best thing is to find out how to avoid it in the future.

 

i have 2 problems with your post:
1. what you in fact are doing is saying to a group of drug addicts, i tried this new drug and its soooo mucht stronger then everything i tried and you can get caught. ohhh this is so bad please dont search for it.
2. a porn addiction doesnt mean your some sort of bottomless pit without any restraints or self regulation, i mean i know how porn works, you get tired of vanilla porn and you look for more hardcore stuff, but there is an end to it a point on which you say this is is enough.
for example i liked hardcore porn and really it couldnt get to hardcore for me, unless i saw the girl in question totally didnt enjoy it, that is where i drew the line.
being a porn addict doesnt mean your totally inhuman, it just means you broaden your limits not that there are no limits.

 

Someone in my extended family was recently arrested for molesting his daughter. I'm sure you've heard similar stories and yeah it's bad etc etc. But I'm seeing up close and it's crazy scary -- this guy's life is effectively over. If he's found guilty, he's going to jail for at least 5 yrs maybe more. There's no way his wife can pay the mortgage. They have young kids and they're going to be basically homeless. When he gets out, what will he have? Nobody will talk to him now. His tech skills are going to dry up in 5 years off the job. Plus who would hire him? Where's he going to live? He'll be a registered sex offender.

Crazy. Scary.

No lies - in all my years my addictive behavior has been 100% limited to what's on the screen. But the idea that even searching for the wrong stuff could bring something like that down on me is absolutely frightening.

 

I totally agree with Advanced Search. And would like to add that you sound sad for the way you feel from doing it but I am not convinced you fully regret all of it, which makes me sad for you. Man if I had gone as far as you say you have I would throw my towel in the ring and tell my family about my problem and openly get counseling. I strongly recommend you do that. You are not a bad person because you did a bad thing, but it sounds like you need help mate.

 

My sympathy is with the raped children who 'charlie' decided to view as 'entertainment'.

Users on this site often seem to fall into a false compassion that feels more sorry for the perpetrators rather than the victims. That's fucked up.

There's a pretty obvious line that none of us should ever cross.

 

I totally agree with you. On the other hand I think it is good that charlie 'came clean' here (asuming this is not a troll post). Everything isnt black or white and to put it in perspective, if you heard about someone raping 100 children and getting caught after that, wouldnt it have been better if he seeked help to end the behaviour after the first one?

Just to be super clear about it, I think it is horrible to look at child pornography obviously, but cutting the losses and seeking help for it should not be judged as something bad imo.

 

Not to mention the effect it's going to have (prob having now already) on his daughter. Will she wonder if she caused him to molest her? could she have stopped him? How low will her self esteem have dropped due to this, the one man in her life who is supposed to love her unconditionally, provide a safe haven for her to grow in, has used her and abused her.... this is something that will affect her her entire life, esp as she see's her safe, warm, loving family environment ripped apart from his actions! What will she become? how will she now view sex/love..... can she ever trust a male again? And all this for what..... because he couldn't get a handle on his addictions, it didn't just happen, he walked a downward slope that eventually led to a perverted conclusion. One that they both will pay for for the rest of their lives !
My best friend went thru something similar, he was accused of molesting his 6yr old niece, the police were involved, and b4 her mother confessed she had made it all up to get back at her ex, we walked thru the endless consequences if he were found guilty, it was a chilling road of discovery, almost made him suicidal. This is a can of worms that gets opened far too often in our society yet no-one starts out wanting that... and they wonder why we're so anti-porn... we've looked down the rabbit hole and are scared shitless at what we see at the bottom !

 

IGY, that is a great point that there is no such thing as "normal porn."

Someone mentioned about what culture has come to. There is no need to invoke culture here. The OP did the search and accessed material of his own volition. And if you are doing it based on software your brother told you about that you do not fully understand, you should be very careful because you may not be as anonymous as you think.

 

Using that program is really not as "safe" as you think unless you're really hot with computers. It's even less safer if you go onto one of the illegal porn sites which will probably be constantly monitored by the police. If anyone is resorting to child pornography and can't stop you should seek help because if you let it control you, chances are it will ruin your life like people have mentioned above.

 

I'm saying this if you not familiar with Charlie: Have good faith in Charlie. He's been here a long while, but we're very young guys compared to you older NoFap members. What's important is that he acknowledge what he saw was wrong.

No doubt a lot of young boys who barely became teenagers don't know the dangers of the internet. Many teenagers become addicted to porn, but some escalate and look deeper into the web, not knowing what's there. There are many stuff on the internet young, inexperienced people never heard of and discovered accidentally like child pornography. Just to remind everyone: Search safely on the internet in the shallow waters. Never surf to the deep end in this sea.