The Hurt.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately you can't force him to change. He has to want to change for himself.

I'm not sure what the best way to go about dealing with this is...

One way to talk to him might be to encourage the good things he does. Rather than bring up all the negative things about him. Find the good things, and encourage them.
- Tell him "I really enjoy it when you talk to me" "I love it when you do _______" (fill in the blank)

Say things in a non-accusing way using the words "I feel". When you do that you're conveying something that you feel, rather than just accusing him of something he did wrong.
- Instead of saying "You're neglecting me!" Say "I feel sad when we don't spend time together."

I don't know if introducing him to this community would help, or just make him feel mad and make things worse. As far as I know, most of us came here because we realized that we have a problem. He may be so stuck in his ways that you'll never get him back.

Maybe a mutual friend needs to come into the picture. Maybe a guy friend he trusts. Maybe counseling.

Porn and masturbation for an addict is kinda an all or nothing kind of thing. If he quits, you will become closer... if he doesn't, your relationship will worsen. As far as I know, that's pretty much the only options.

If he truly is doing no good things for you, and nothing you can do will help him change, maybe you need to leave him.

Check out YourBrainOnPorn.com and the links in my signature, they will help you realize that it truly is an addiction, and it will take a while for him to recover if he chooses to.

I'm just offering thoughts... I do not know the answers, this is a very tough situation.
We are here because we want to quit, and we still struggle with this for a long time.

 

I wish I knew what to say or how to comfort you.

Time4aChange is right though. He has to want to change. Until he does there is really nothing you can do. Most of the people I communicate with are here of there own volition. You are here seeking change in your life, I assume, since your here. Maybe it's time to commit to that endeavor instead of him. Work on yourself and maybe you will spur him on to want to fix himself. If this doesn't work you still get to move forward in your progress and life quest. Whatever happens it's a win-win for you.

Not sure where in the world you are but there's a saying here in the US, maybe just the midwest where I'm from, not sure, but it says "Don't try and teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig" Meaning you can't make someone do something they don't want to or are incapable of doing.

Don't waste your time "teaching" work on yourself in the mean time. If he follows suit great. If not consider making a change.

Stay strong and strive to achieve,
Geyser

 

Realizing it is an addiction is a huge step.

This will take time. One of the most important things for me is trying to stay so busy with the things I want to accomplish in life so that I don't have time to be alone on my computer very much. Most of my time spent on the computer is at nofap so that I can get encouragement from other guys going through the same things.

If he is withholding information, it's probably something he's ashamed about. Chances are that he can't even be 100% honest with himself... that part needs to happen before he can open up to you.

Get him out of the house doing things that he enjoys.

Learn what you can about this addiction, the more you understand, the better you can relate to him hopefully.

This will not be easy for you or for him. If he loves you, you have a fighting chance.

 

Sorry to hear about the hurt, and thank you for sharing. It is a helpful reminder how our addictions affect our partners.

The part you shared about feeling that he is not 100% honest, perhaps withholding, and you feel you are not allowed to ask anything must be very difficult. As mentioned, on one hand, shame can make and addict extremely defensive. On the other hand, addicts can withhold as means of protecting their addiction, however misguided that may be.

In my case, it took awhile before I fully confronted my addiction and accepted full responsibility for my behaviors. I realize I also was very passive aggressive, which made the relationship really difficult. Over time, I've learned to change. In some ways, recovery has been more than just stopping addiction, but transforming myself to a better person.

For what it's worth, my intention was not to hurt my partner. But until I fully accepted my role and the damage it was doing, I acted pretty childish in my selfish behavior.

Ultimately, honesty is critical. Perhaps try giving your partner some space for a predetermined period of time that you can live with and focus on things that help and enrich you. You could even ask your partner how could you best provide support. I realize that is really taking the high road, when you have already been very hurt.

However, there should be a limit. If your partner is not ultimately willing to be honest, that is not your issue. In my experience and with friends in addiction, honesty is absolutely critical to recovery. Secrets continue to drive shame and the addiction cycle.

Your partner is responsible for their own recovery. It is not your job to fix your partner. Support is important, but as mentioned above, you cannot change someone who doesn't want to change.

Wishing you the very best of happiness and peace.

 

Hi Blackmilk, thanks for sharing your thoughts here. Nobody knows about my addiciton and the fact of the matter is that until recently I had no idea how far it has gone.

I always wondered how it would affect the people around me (my fiance above all) and you have just described my darkest fears. Actually, you described me. I know that what I'm doing is just wrong. I realised it's cruel to the only person I ever loved and I'm taking steps to recover.

I don't like the person who I turn into when I PMO. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. After 3 weeks into the recovery I noticed a huge positive change in my behaviour. I'm sure the same change will hapen in your partner and, for what it's worth, I do believe there is hope. As long as we realise we have a problem and decide to change it.

 

Everyone seems to be assuming this is from PMO addiction, but the description seems strange from what I have read as well as seen on this forum. Granted I am not in a serious relationship at the moment and people who are addicted to PMO and not part of this forum may be different from those you are addicted and here, but what would be the reason for him not to be open, not to answer questions, and to get mad? If he *does* realize it is an addiction, as you say, and therefore is not in denial, then it would seem that he would at least accept some emotional help rather than push others away. I know behavior change is super hard, but the stories I have heard of one getting angry are due to inability to give up an addiction that they are trying to give up, or because of nagging of a person. It doesn't sound like he is even making an attempt to change? Avoidance, secrets, lying are things I associate more with someone trying to hide something, not from a contemplative addict, when I would expect rationalizations, depression, and other things, which could include anger. The question of whether to tell a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend about an addiction has come up often here and while there is a lot of apprehension about revealing this information, I have never seen anything but positive descriptions of what ensued after that, and no one who has regretted it, because it lifts a weight from someone who thought they were alone, and is really more of a relief than trying to keep up a charade. If you already know about it, then he is not in that situation of not having revealed it. Could there be something else going on that he is not willing to discuss, that has nothing to do with PMO? What is the underlying reason for his PMO? I don't intend to suggest anything, but it sounds different to the behavior of accounts I've read, which could be a biased sample since everyone here is very interested in changing.

 

Why are you still with him?

 

Thanks for the details. It didn't sound right that everything was from PMO addiction but from that additional description of what he has gone through, I can see how it is all fitting together. It must be incredibly difficult to go through all that and be going through it.

 

If you are going to go through this with him, you deserve 100% honesty. You need to know what's going on with him. The secrets will only drive you two further apart.

The man you thought you met, may never return. That is a very possible reality.

You both need to be on the same page. Lies cannot be the foundation of a good relationship.

I wish you the best. Let us know how things go. I hope he is able to have a full recovery and fully devote himself to you.