Those with spouses/S.O.'s/partners

Oh Heneman, I can't tell you that I understand how you feel, but I understand completely how your wife feels. And I probably know how this has affected your marriage. First, you must understand that you're not a rotten asshole. And your wife's response to this issue is identical to what mine was. And it hurt me so bad because I really love my husband. And I bet your wife really loves you too. You know, though, a healthy marriage cannot survive on lies and secrecy. Is it still not possible to try counseling? I would encourage you to find a counselor who works with addictions, and ask for guidance on how to approach your wife. She will find out, at some point, and it would be better coming from you than having her discover it some other way. Perhaps counseling will help bring you two closer together, and may help your wife see this for the real addiction that it is. It's as powerful as any other addiction, chemically speaking. Keep your chin up, Heneman. It may become stormy, but there are surely better days ahead.

 

Heneman, thanks for sharing your experience. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I can kinda relate.

I've been PMO'ing since my early teen years, always thought it would eventually stop when I get older maybe it's a teen thing, then thought it will stop when get into serious relationship (or any relationship) and then thought it would stop when I got married. I have the most amazing and beautiful wife, I met her 5 years ago, got married 3 years ago, the longest I have gone without PMO was 10 days since then, and I lie about this to her everyday, it hurts me to lie to her and I regret it every day.

I have not told my wife about my problem, mainly because I don't want to hurt her feelings and not sure how she will react, and due to some of her previous relationships she has a big thing about trust. I have tried stopping before and I've never realized that I had a problem, never thought it is an addiction, until about a year or so ago, I found an article on PMO addiction, then realized how serious my problem is and how it affects my life, personally, my relationship with my wife and socially and that I had to do something about it, that lasted 2 weeks and I was back on the PMO train again. I'm good with computers so I pretty much know how to hide things and leave things pretty much untraceable, whether it be PC, Phone or Tablet, you know the drill, so this has kinda made it easy for me to get away with it.

Now, I don't know if my wife suspects anything, if she does she hasn't showed it, but as this also affects our sex life, she has asked me if I don't find her attractive or is there something I don't like about her, because quite often I don't last during sex or I don't get turned on, I usually come up with a lame excuse, I love everything about her and find her so attractive, but the P has made my mind numb. So in an attempt to overcome this addiction I've decided to join this site (about 2 weeks ago), shared my experience, for the first time ever and it feels like I lifted the world off my shoulders and I've made a commitment for no PMO for 90 days.

By sharing my experience with others and being part of this awesome community it feels easier for me to overcome my addiction. I am more motivated than ever now that I have accepted that I have an addiction and I know what this addiction affects in my life. Even though I lasted only 9 days now, I personally have noticed a difference already in my life since I joined and made my commitment, I feel more confident, I have more energy and am more focused and I know I will reach my goal.

What helps me whenever I feel the urge to PMO, I just pop in here, have a bit of a read to motivate me and post a comment or two to motivate my fellow Fapstronauts.

Hope my experience give a little bit more perspective.

 

Mate step 1 is acknowledging you have a problem, step 2 is taking steps to resolve this problem. You have obviously done both, and you feel bad about your PMO, thus you are at least on the right track.

I don't have a partner, but my PMO helped speed up the break up of my last relationship (there were a lot of other issues). PMO robs your partner of the relationship they deserve, in addition to robbing you of the live you deserve.

Stay strong mate.

 

Yep, my regular PMO habit drained away a lot of the warmth and affection I otherwise would have had for my last g/f.

And because PMO wasn't always enough of an illicit fix for me, I had a one-night stand with a girl I met on a casual hookup website. Wonderful idea, except it turned out that a male friend of the casual hookup girl also knew my g/f. And he blabbed. My distraught g/f tried to forgive and forget, but our relationship never fully recovered from this breach of trust.

And even if I hadn't been (deservedly) caught red-handed, there's no doubt in my mind that women are far more intuitive than men. Even when we think we're successfully hiding our PMO habits, or worse, wives and girlfriends invariably know more than we think they know.

 

You described my issue to a T. From my wife having a horrible past and upbringing to her viewing it as a form of infidelity to me having to be squeaky clean this time with no relapses. I feel guilty every day because she already suffers from depression and I only add to it. I'm probably the #1 cause of it. The only thing you didn't say is if you have intimacy issues with your wife or not? I do, PMO took over our marriage many years ago. I'm on my last chance with my wife. I'm making this one count! Good luck on your quest and remember to set goals. Relapses happen but when they do, try to beat your record. It helps.

 

You have reflected my story almost perfectly. I have just relapsed. After about a 30 day period. I have been struggling with this my entire life. My wife knows that I have an issue and sometimes she throws it in my face. I know I have and addiction. I am struggling to survive. Spiritually I am a wreck as well. I am supposed to be the spiritual leader of a church, but how can I do this and I am so filthy inside?

What has helped me in times past to get past the overwhelming urge is to recognize the situations that cause me to relapse. High stress is key for my issues. Find out your triggers then you can try to avoid those triggers until you have enough will power or someone else nearby to help you beat it.

 

It's tough.
It was when I went to the yourbrainonporn.com website that I realized this was an addiction. (BTW- that website might be useful for your wife to read through).
Someone also suggested to me the video of Mark Queppet's Sacred Sexuality Project: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDGwFlYFPqw - this one is with him and his fiance.

What I have found is that the secrecy was the most killing thing - what kept the addiction locked in place. I started by telling two friends first, then my girlfriend. And, I told her at a time when she was still mad at me about a fight we had. I just couldn't go on any longer with not telling the truth about it. I have since shared with some other friends. It has been a little uncomfortable, and beneficial. In addition to no longer feeling like a fraud, it also helps me keep from PMO'ing as I have told all these people that I have stopped.

It has been hard and uncomfortable to tell the truth. And, as they say, the truth will set you free. What they don't say is that it will be uncomfortable.

So, I would suggest finding a way to tell her, and tell others in your life.

Going out on a limb here - you need to do what will heal you and have you kick the addiction. You are not the source of her depression. You may trigger it, and you are not the source of it. Things like that, as well as our addiction, started a long time before we met whoever we are with now. And, you keeping things a secret is not serving her and it is not serving you. The secrecy and lies will just keep things stuck in place.
I am not suggesting telling her in an uncaring way. Find a way that will work. It may be you tell some friends and get their support in working out how to tell your wife.

It's unfortunate that this is just beginning to be seen as an addiction - there isn't a Porn Addict Anonymous yet.

I hope this helps.

 

Heneman,

I am in an almost identical boat. My wife views porn as cheating. My porn use almost caused our divorce a few years ago, and I gave it up...briefly. Now I have just kept it deep under raps.

She asks sometimes, and I think she knows I am lying to her, but allows her false hope to overcome her doubt.

Part of my motivation to come here, and hopefully, lay the habit to rest for good, is to stop lying to my wife.

 

Fortunately for me, my wife never saw porn as cheating. It was something she rolled her eyes at in an "oh jeez!" kind of way. But she never took it as an indication of dissatisfaction with her on my part, she just saw it as something most guys do.

However, I think this was part of the problem. While her laid-back attitude about porn was great, it also enabled me to consume more and more of it, I didn't think it was bad because SHE didn't think it was bad. As time went on, I spent more and more time online, fapping daily, sometimes multiple times daily, totally under her nose. She never knew when I did it or how often I did it. But having to clear my history all the time, hurrying to put my clothes back on when I heard her pull into the driveway, locking myself in the bathroom, keeping all these secrets were weighing down on me. Once I began to notice a change in my ability to perform for her I knew I had a problem.

Getting to the point here...She and I have had multiple discussions about my addiction. I've told her most of what I've done, what I've looked at, when I'd do what I did. I made it clear how much it bothered me and how muchI think it was affecting my ability to concentrate in my daily life, and perform sexually.

Bringing all of this out into the light, talking to her regularly has been the single greatest asset to me. Secrecy is like the cement that holds the addiction in place. If you have no secrets, it begins to crack and I'm feeling that now.

I frequently refer to my addiction as a "monster" or "creature" in my brain that feeds off this porn and masturbation induced dopamine haze. He doesn't want me to tell my wife or anyone else about this, he likes it being kept dark and secret because that's the ideal environment for him to thrive in. He hates the light, truth and honesty is the light that will eventually kill this monster.

 

Scott,
That is pretty much my situation right there.
I made it harder on myself by getting resentful when I accidentaly replaced my porn infatuation with fantasies about my g/f... I suggest you don't fall into that trap along your journey.

 

I had a very similar problem. Here is how I stopped:

1. Admit that you have a problem
2. Admit to yourself that your problem is harming your life
3. Create a list of ways that PMO is negatively affecting you
4. Place said list anywhere that you might relapse
5. Don't be afraid to print it out or set it as your wallpaper on your desktop/phone
6. Find someone you can confide in. Someone that you know you will be comfortable talking to. I don't recommend it being your wife. You need someone who can be strong when you are weak. Someone that can give you courage when you have none.
7. Cut yourself off from porn. Trash those VHS tapes. Burn your erotic literature. Delete any and all porn from your computer.
8. Tell yourself that quitting is what you truly want. Tell yourself that you don't ever want to see porn again and you aren't going to relapse ever again
9. If you do relapse, don't get upset. When you're in the middle of a race, just because you stumble a bit doesn't mean you can't finish. Talk to your accountability partner. Figure out what went wrong and how a relapse could be prevented in the future.
10. Identify situations where you might relapse ahead of time and avoid them at all costs
11. Create a porn free environment around you.
12. Set random alerts and alarms on your phone. These alarms help break your focus if you're on the path to a relapse.

Mentality + Action = Success!!!

 

thank you Zach, I have tried most of these but there are a few I haven't. I especially like no. 12, that is a great idea!

 

Regarding relating to the addiction as a monster could be useful. What I hear Scott saying is that the monster is the urges and the thoughts to go watch porn and masturbate. You and I determine what action we will take in the face of those urges and thoughts - what we do when faced with the "monster".

It's distinguishing between the thoughts and urges and our action. So, it can be completely consistent with what you say about being responsible for your actions.

The other thing I feel is great is that it doesn't identify the urges and thoughts as myself. The urges and thoughts are in a way a disease, a monster. It's up to me what actions I take in the face of the disease. Seeing the urges and thoughts as a "monster" leaves me at least a little more free to take actions in a direction different from what the "monster" is saying.

Sorry for any rambling - I may have said the same thing 5 times.

 

My personal choice to metaphorically identify my addiction as a "monster" is based mostly in the fact that, working as a graphic designer, I think in very visual terms. However, I admit that being a very visual person is also part of what got me here.

Visual metaphors like that help me to put a "face" to the problem. It is by no means an attempt to deny my own accountability for what I do or have done. The monster is my own creation, it lives and thrives due to my own actions, (and inactions) it's not something that controls me like a puppet or a "scapegoat" I can assign blame to. But now after years of living with this thing in my head, I'm doing my best to kill it.

I think of the porn as the oxygen it needs to breathe, by cutting off it's supply, I'm trying to suffocate it.

 

Number 12 can be annoying, but I can't tell you how many times I've been about to relapse and suddenly my phone goes off. It's like a reality check. It makes you realize what you're doing.