I can't get over my ex gf

Yea I have been reading up on beta and alpha stuff a little bit, I had definitely gone full beta. I had a lot of chances to change that during the relationship, but I didn't so she ain't coming back. I definitely won't be contacting her anymore I have learned my lesson now. Since I have been a constant PMOer for so long, I haven't really obtained my male charge yet (since I started at 16 years old as a boy). The more I think about, the more I realize she was more of a man during the relationship than I was. It sounds pathetic and sad but I can't dwell over it. Appreciate the feedback.

After the breakup, I realized there are a lot of things wrong with me. PMOing being one of them. Those were harsh words lol but it's fine I get it. No offense taken. Anything it takes to get over this depressed state of mind. Looking back, I can't believe I did all that. Shows how much I have grown since but definitely have a long way to go still.

 

This is exactly what I need to work on. I have only been led by my dick. I used to try to go to the pretty cashier, search for the pretty girl in class to sit near, only try to talk/look to the pretty girl and ignore other women. It's a hard habit to break because when I see a pretty girl, my body gets this irresistible urge to talk/touch/fuck her. PMOing for so long has definitely fed into this. I'm on Day 2 so far so hopefully the results will help me with my priorities.

Thanks a lot man! I did compromise my feelings a lot during the relationship. I stayed at her house a whole lot more than she stayed at mine, making it less convenient for me (She lived 25-30 minutes away!). She wouldn't be happy at ALL if I was spending her free time with some other person, family or friends doesn't matter. I would get frustrated with this but I was so afraid of not having a pretty girlfriend to cuddle with that I went with whatever she wanted. It's funny because we rarely had sex especially in the months leading to the breakup. She was busy with school and work but still. She even told me few times she lacked empathy and she rarely asked about how I was. When confronted, she said "You can just talk about yourself like I do, I shouldn't have to ask you". Is that normal stuff? I don't think so. When I started to show a vibe that I didn't care for her that much after all this wearing down on my conscious (feeding the depression) and when I didn't increase my income to buy her stuff (I have spent a lot of money on her), she noticed and dumped me. She has symptoms of a borderline personality disorder due to her ex abusing her so I can't blame her for everything but I'm sure I can get a girl with less baggage. I had plenty of layers of resentment and anger towards her and she looked at it as me being a negative jerk. Oh and on top all that she is a feminist who dislikes men in general. Told me "I'm kinda different than the normal man sometimes I guess". I feel I have changed so much in the last month.

 

This "nice guy" label has followed me for so long. I can't believe I was so blind. She would be cold and distant due to her BPD and I would react negatively without remembering that this is the way she is. I would want sex and she would say no let's cuddle but I was fine with that so we cuddled a lot more than sex. Thank you, because you have opened my mind to a lot of realization. I looked online and it sounds like I have anxiety-preoccupied attachment due to my upbringing. My abandonment issues have allowed me to be taken advantage of.

 

I do need to focus on my life first for sure. I just know the stories she told me of how previous men have mistreated her. Her dad's lack of empathy. Her ex's treating her like shit. I even convinced her to go to therapy for her BPD couple times, but she felt it was too uncomfortable and stressful after having to "open up about her abusive ex" so she stopped going. I feel like I forgot myself during the relationship because I was so comfortable that I mistreated her, maybe not as much as she did towards me, but definitely worth thinking about. Is it wrong that I think a second chance at this relationship with a different perspective is worth the try? With my new perspective, if I notice that she hasn't changed and she isn't the one, I could just leave her myself if needed. Or is this wrong thinking?

 

Man I hear you. I really do. That's why I'm going to wait a month or until I fully recover from this break up to see if I really want to ride that emotional roller coaster again. But if a girl is broken like that and you are strong enough to help and support her towards a level of recovery which leads to a strong relationship, wouldn't that be a great accomplishment? I might be fooling myself and people like this might never change as well.

 

I just want to backtrack from this. I probably have some sort of PTSD because I'm more bipolar than ever. I been reading around about toxic relationships and BPD, if they don't seek help they aren't going to change. Or avoid the topic and change to something about her. Her mom is a narcissist and so is she, so I highly doubt that will happen. I remember times I tried to get her to change or do stuff that was helpful for us and she would just call me negative/nagging. I can't believe I even considered getting back with her. It truly shows my mind has gotten really f**cked over. Thank you all for guiding me towards rational thinking again.

 

This sounds like almost exactly what I went through. I used to, for the most part, only feel good around her when I was either touching, cuddling, or doing her. That's a messed up mentality for me to have. I used to love her ass the most and that's wrong. It's too bad I can't apologize about that but I'm so far on a 4 day no relapse streak and hope to continue. I'm resetting my mind as I'm starting to realize all the mistakes I made in the relationship. I showed myself as a desperate boy by reacting clingy and insecure to the break up and doing creepy things like calling her at her job. She hasn't texted me besides telling me to stop in a month and half. Thanks for the support man, I hope she gives me a second chance too but I'm already starting to prepare myself for someone else.