A New Beginning

Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?

 

Welcome to the site. Wonder why he left that stash of magazines lying around?

 

Welcome to the forum. Sometimes our addiction grows so big and affects so many areas of our life that we get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. You found a good place to start your recovery. Getting clean for the sake of your family can be a strong motivator. @Ted Martin runs an online men's support group... maybe he can chime in and give you some details about his support group. Meanwhile focus on stopping PMO and becoming a better man. I think your wife will notice the changes. There are also articles out there on how to restart a sexless marriage. But right now just work on setting short, easily achievable goals and build on that success. Read my success story post for some ideas on how to get started. I wish you success on your journey.

 

Steve brother, you are in the right place! You're in a community of amazing people who are willing to help you every step of the way. I got started today as well and I must say the level of feedback received makes me look forward to the new man I would be at the end of these 90days. Whenever you feel as though a relapse is close, don't try to fight it alone, if you can get yourself an AP (accountability partner) that would help you even more. I wish you all the best on this journey and look forward to a transformed husband and father at the end of your 90 days!

 

Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips to help you along your journey.

 

Welcome @Porn No More! You are on the right path. You can't do this alone and need to learn to lean on others for support and accountability. This forum is a great step in that direction. Unfortunately, the weekly group that I lead is not actually online, it's a face to face group that meets at a church. So unless you happen to live in south-central PA, I'm afraid that won't be of much help.

 

I think accountability plays a key role in our recovery journey However, it can't just be focused on the behavior alone. It's got to be more than just that. We have to get at what is underlying the behavior. M is just a symptom of an underlying problem. It's like having a cold and all you do is focus on what type of tissues to buy for your runny nose or what kind of cough drops to get. It's focusing on a remedy for the symptoms and not getting at fixing the root issue which is the cold. Creating a safe environment for accountability to explore that is definitely critical.

That being said, it’s also important to make sure that the accountability questions we ask each other get to heart level matters and not just how long it's been since you PMO. I see three main types of accountability. Cop accountability where the cop takes a “gotcha!” legalistic approach to the person being held accountable. There is also coach accountability where the coach tries to be very positive and encouraging and finally there is cardiac accountability where the person gets to heart level issues and matters with the person being held accountable. This gets at the underlying things that manifest with symptoms of acting out (porn, masturbation, affairs, etc.) The key with accountability is not just focusing on the symptoms which is how the person acted out (cop and coach) but to get to the underlying root issues or causes that were behind the acting out (cardiac).

For me some of these issues included: perfectionism, guilt/shame, self-condemnation, feeling unlovable based on the level of my degradation, not being in touch with my heart and emotions, etc. I know for me when I started focusing on those root issues and heart level things and not just trying to control my PMO behavior is when I started seeing real recovery strides being made and began having success for the first time in my life. A couple of years ago I would not have thought it possible to go without M for even a week. Now in the last two years, I've only M twice. Be sure as you look to abstain the next 90 days to consider your focus too. I know when I did is when the results came. Blessings to us all as we walk this recovery road together. Remember it's about direction, not perfection.