Pilgrim's Progress - Day 150

I've made it. 150 Days clean.

A little bit of background on myself.
I started PMOing at maybe 13 or so, and have been doing it regularly for the last four years or so. I had my 21st birthday almost three months ago, so that gives you an idea of how long I had been in this stuff.
Two years ago, I met a girl, who eventually became my girlfriend almost four months ago. I started looking at myself, and my life. Last April, I was baptized, and then had an 83 day streak before resetting. It was that reset that eventually sent me here. I had a couple of week-long streaks, then I got totally fed up with my sin, and I came here. I started a journal, found accountability partners, and began the fight in earnest.

Then, three weeks ago, my girlfriend and I split up. It was not a typical breakup, where each party hates the other and doesn't want anything to do with the other. Both of us were very happy in the relationship and very much wanted it to go on. But there were circumstance beyond our control, and we couldn't continue the relationship with the status quo, so we ended it.

Since then, my life has slowly spiraled out of control. Many things that I took for granted have been overthrown, many of my ways of thinking have been shaken or destroyed, and many of my assumptions are being challenged. My life is being changed, and in many ways I hate it. It's painful, almost unbearable at times. I have spent more time crying in the past three weeks than I have in the past three years.

There have been times when I wanted to PMO very badly. I didn't want to have to think anymore, it was too painful, and porn offered me a way to spend my time without thinking. Thankfully, I turned to God, and to my accountability partners, and I was able to stay strong. Thus, I've made it to 150 days clean.

I'm on shaky foundations, my life is turning inside out, my emotions are being rubbed raw every day, stress is lurking in the back of mind 24/7, my spiritual life is uncertain, and I'm so lonely, yet I crave being alone.

My life is a mess.

But I've been clean for 150 days. "Rejoice. Again I say, rejoice." This is God's blessing to me right now, I am so grateful for his mercies.



TIPS AND TRICKS:

1. Prayer
This is the most effective way of combating temptation that I can find, or that I will find. There is no one more powerful than the God of the universe, and he will listen when you pray. Reach out to him. He cares, more than you can even fathom.

2. Bounce Your Eyes
I appreciate this one even more now than I did when I finished 90 days. It is so important. Be vigilant in where your eyes are going, and control them. I have been able to calm myself and keep myself free from desire simply by controlling my eyes.

3. Accountability
This is also perhaps the least important, but it is still more important than I can stress. Find someone that you trust and tell them. Have them hold you accountable. Get them to call you once in a while to check up on you. Even better, find someone that you can text when you are being tempted, who will strengthen and challenge you to remain clean. Be accountable, both to man and to God.

4. Create Options
When you are being tempted, have an escape plan ready. If you are working in your room, and you suddenly feel the urge to open your favourite site, get up and work somewhere else. Or go for a walk. Or text a friend. Or turn on music. Or workout for 15 minutes. Do whatever you have to do to wait out the urges. You can't fight them head-on, you will lose. Every. Single. Time. So be safe, and create options.



BENEFITS:

1. Time and Energy
PMO drains you. That's no secret. There are thousands of guys on here who can attest to that. PMO drains you of time, because every minute you spend jerking off in front of a screen is a minute that you could be doing something else. And PMO drains you of energy, because you never feel energized after a session. You never feel ready to take on the world. You feel limp, and weak, and depressed. PMO drains you of your spirit, perhaps even of your soul.

2. Increased Confidence
I am more confident in myself now that I am clean and free. No, I still have to figure out everything about myself, but I am no longer weighed down by the weight of my shame and guilt.



I've made it to Day 150, and I'm extending my goal to 183 days, exactly half a year. I will never let my guard down, I will never got back to the shadow of myself that is left after PMO. God has seen fit to free me, and I am going to take this gift of a life and live it to the fullest. It's not easy, it's actually really hard and painful.
Life is full of sorrow, and heartache. Life is full of uncertainty, and stress. Life will slap me in the face, knock me down, spit on me , mess me up as hard as it can because Life is the Devil. But I have God, and he is stronger than the Devil.

I wear two reminders of the life I have been called to. On the ring finger of my right hand is a black ring with dragons etched on it, and on my neck is a silver chain.
God has called Christians to be as "wise as serpents" and "innocent as doves". Well, the dragon is the wisest of snakes, and there's no way I'm wearing a dove necklace, so silver is a good substitute.
As a child of the living God, I am called to be fierce and fearless in my actions, like a dragon, but I am called to have pure attitudes and thoughts, like silver.

Heart of Silver, Hands of Fire.

This is my calling, this is who I strive to be. And PMO has no place in that vow.

- Sunshadow