Day 150 Hardmode

Please bear with me through this post its going to be a very long one. I have gotten to know a lot of you here and am eternally greatful for the support and motivation I have received. Im 17 years old and my last relapse was on Friday September 2nd 2016 (about 5 months ago). I am going to start off by describing how I genuinely feel at this present moment, and then go into more detail about the long term benefits and my plans for the future. So here is what I feel like right now and the day I have had im just gonna let it all out:

1/30/17 Today is a big day... 150 days on no porn no masturbation and no orgasm. I feel good, but am not as happy or as enthusiastic as I often am for some reason. This is a huge accomplishment yet happiness seems to elude me to a minor extent. Part of this is because I seem to experience ups and downs day to day, with events of each day playing a significant role as well. I have so much on my mind. As I did my english homework last night (It took about 3 hours and I was really getting into it.) I came across a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay "Circles" that resonated with me very deeply and accurately which put into words a sensation I so often feel: "To-day I am full of thoughts, and can write what I please. I see no reason why I should not have the same thought, the same power of expression, to-morrow. What I write, whilst I write it, seems the most natural thing in the world; but yesterday I saw a dreary vacuity in this direction in which now I see so much; and a month hence, I doubt not, I shall wonder who he was that wrote so many continuous pages."

I have ups and downs very often and cant figure out why. I have no doubt my future self will at times ponder how I wrote all these accounts of my life despite the futility of it all, but my future self will also continue to give deeply personal accounts that flow from my mind at times as well.

Today in english class my teacher called me out in front of the class. I hold nothing against her and am not ashamed or embarassed; this is very compelling evidence of how I have changed. She said "come on Mankrik (thats not my real name lol) what did you put for the annotation of line whatever I know you did it" I was silent for a few seconds before mumbling that I had not annotated that line which was true, but then I gave a valid answer after analyzing the text on the spot. I was not scared or ashamed like I would have used to have felt in such a situation. In fact the only reason I was not participating was not because I was scared of what other people would think. I was feeling uncomfortable and nervous but only because my mind was drifting the whole class and I was thinking about this girl I have liked for a long time who sits near me.

The biggest driving force in my life still looms over me and the hole still remains vacant. I want to love somebody. I want someone to love me. I want those feelings of uncertainty and excitement but I also want to find refuge and security in a relationship one day. I am not obssessed with my crush any more though. She is nothing more than a girl I am attracted to and want to get to know better. And I am going to keep trying to talk to her and ask her out. I had planned a conversation about what I was going to say to her after class and was nervous but determined. Today she left class and went the opposite way she normally goes. And I immediately came to the realization I wouldnt get to talk to her today as she disappeared into a wave of people and I felt sad having been anticipating that moment when we would talk again ever since our last interaction. The thought emerged that she didnt want to talk to me and was avoiding me because she thinks im a weirdo. But I quickly abandoned such a ridiculous notion. I went the way I normally go and never saw her she probably had to go do something - plus it was really cold outside. Theres no use thinking about such minor details - I just hope she goes the normal way next class and we can talk. Sometimes I am eager to approach her and am fully confident while other times I am overcome with fear and doubt - I cant explain this drastic contrast.

Im going to keep on going though. With everything. Diet exercise nofap and graduating high school with an advanced diploma. I am content with being on my own but I am going to continue to actively pursue a significant other. This time in my life is very stressful, but I know I will look back fondly on these times. I see a greatness in myself I was never able to previously unearth. I will ask my crush out and if I get rejected I will still be happy to have told her how I feel and will have no regrets. I know that if I keep doing what im doing things will keep getting better. Throw myself into the abyss and realize its only a featherbed. (I didnt make that up and dont take credit for it, I heard it somewhere just dont remember where)

So im sorry for the deeply personal account of my day today especially to those of you seeking only motivation, just needed to get it out of my system and I thought it would be valuable to snapshot how I truly feel at this current juncture.

Now its time for me to discuss my journey as a whole, what I have experienced, and what my future yields.

Mentality is everything. All the solace and comfort you need comes from within yourself. My nofap journey has been founded on a few major principles: 1) nofap is not about a streak or number of days, but rather a lifestyle change (this is still very true, but I have experienced a lot of rewiring that leads me to believe time and number of days is a very relevant factor) 2) The physical benefits of nofap are great, but the mental shift is much more important. Nofap has taught me a level of self discipline applicable to many facets of my everyday life which I will discuss later. 3) Porn and masturbation just arent worth it. You spend so much time and energy on a sensation that lasts mere seconds. Porn companies get us in their vice at a young age and then negatively influence our entire lives. Be smarter than to fall prey to this like so many do. 4) theres light at the end of the tunnel. I had faith in this through out my entire journey, but know I have experienced it for myself. Love and forming a long term relationship is the purest most admirable pursuit, and it is the ultimate sexual satisfaction. Having a deeper level of love and connection with someone that goes beyond mating sex is the most natural and fufilling way to live - porn and masturbation are irrelevant if you attain this.

There are so many mental and physical benefits I have received that I attribute primarily to the mindset bestowed upon me by nofap. Lots of people I know and even myself see me as a whole new person physically and mentally. I was lost for a long time but I have finally found my way in terms of who I want to be and what I want to achieve because of nofap. Here is a list of as many things as I can think of nofap has caused or at least influenced for me:

Diet and exercise strictly and regularly but is also enjoyable and sustainable. Have attained physical peak in terms of performance and aesthetics and am now a successful high school athlete despite being previously overweight and out of shape my whole life.

My overall attitude about life has improved. And my quality of life has improved. I am usually feeling cool confident and positive although theres still room for improvement, I am leaps and bounds happier than I havs ever been and love my true self. Dopamine levels are where they should be.

Mental clarity and focus and enthusiasm these benefits are very evident even as I am creating this thread. I have found new passions and am doing a lot better in school.

Better in social situations and social anxiety is way down. This is huge for me and something I have always struggled with. Still not where I want to be but so so much better. I can speak clearly and confidently and express my ideas to others verbally much more effectively although writing remains my strongest communication device.

I understand what love really is now. I am actively pursuing a relationship with a beautiful girl. I was so far from this before nofap and I consider this to be one of my greatest improvements albeit still a work in progress. Confusion and frustration still remain, but the future looks bright.

Cold showers and continuing the mental discipline in combination with nofap, diet and exercise, and stepping outside of my comfort zone. These have been the pillars of my success. Everything is interconnected and all these lifestyle changes build on each other.

I will continue no PMO for life. I will inevitably be confronted with challenges and new ideas about life. I am still young and have plenty of time to figure things out. My main goal and strategy though is to abstain from PMO to motivate myself to find a meaningful relationship, and then be sexually content when the relationship is achieved. I want to make it clear I do not plan to succomb to urges of sexual release with reliance on a partner. Obviously I will have sex but I will have control over my sexual temptations just as I do now, and mainly focus on emotional love and connection with someone I have deep mutual respect and understanding with.

So much to said, and theres still concepts and experiences I wish to share... Sorry this post is so fucking long. If you actually read this far impressed. Do nofap just do it. Best choice I ever made. Life is great and only gets better. 150

 

Thank you, I am very glad to know im not alone and there are others out there who can comprehend and identify with what I have been through/ what I am going through. Best of luck to you in your own endeavors my friend.

 

This means more to me than you know. I am certainly going to make my best effort to stay on the right track no matter what life throws at me because I know it will pay off in the long run. Thank you for the kind words.

 

Interesting observation - I did not intend that effect but I definitely know what you mean and I see it now. Thanks for reading btw I remember the quote you posted in the life motto thread: "I like living. It gives me something to do." Good stuff.

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this thoughtful post very glad to be able to find things in common with other users on the forums. It was my pleasure to write and share this post and I really appreciate the sincere and insightful response.

 

Appreciate these tips seems like a tried and true method thank you very much for reading for my particular scenario though the girl I like has been going to school with me for years now and we know who each other are but we have never really spoken any. We hardly see each other and my attempts to interact with her have not been spectacular... any specifics on how to approach such a situation?

 

Thanks for the response and words of encouragement. Mad respect for anyone attempting nofap regardless of days. Hopefully things work out with this girl but whether they do or dont should definitely prioritize school lol I am focused and getting things done but it just seems like im constantly thinking about this girl. Good luck to you on your streak and your pursuit of a meaningful relationship - Im going to try my best to keep doing what im doing and being content with just myself but trying to patiently make a connection with this girl

 

I dont really know what we have in common and I dont know what her interests are specifically besides shes really smart makes good grades and plays in the band. She is pretty popular but not overwhelmingly so, she definitely has friends and is part of the popular crowd, but I dont find this super intimidating. I get very little chance to see her since we only have one class every other day. Only get the chance to talk to her 1 on 1 after class on these days. Going to try to find stuff in common with her before asking her out but struggling to make a good impression.

 

The urge still lingers to an extent but my mindset is much stronger so it is easily contained. The biggest transition in my mindset and outlook towards women and love started at 90 or so days, but continues to progress. 90 was when the rewiring began but I am really glad to have kept going, as I have made a lot of progress even since then.

 

Yeah we are both pretty quiet but also both pretty emotionally mature. I definitely need to be more foward... Going to see her tomorrow